The concept of having a “sunset moment” every so often to pick our heads up and reconnect with the long term view of the life we are trying to build seemed to resonate with many based on the feedback and comments received from last week’s topic.

As a reminder from last week, there is a fairly sizeable body of evidence in both academic circles and practical experience to indicate that we build strength to persevere towards our goals when we can see clearly what we are trying to achieve.

As we continue on our own personal journey to build and strengthen our character, there is a common near term adversary that we all face in trying to reach our goals and make meaningful progress toward that “sunset moment.”

The common, near term adversary that comes against each one of us at various points in our journey has numerous descriptions, but it can be summarized as fear, anxiety, and worry.   This near term adversary has the potential to drain that precious energy we need to keep moving forward towards our goals and many times, this adversary can be forceful enough to get us off track and switch our long term view entirely.

 

We all have various coping mechanisms to deal with fear, anxiety, and worry.  Some of us are nail-bitters, some toss and turn through a sleepless night, some repeat simple, routine tasks, some take pills, some overeat, some don’t eat, and some drink alcohol a little more often during the rough times in the journey.  Regardless of our coping mechanism, the reality is that we still have that near term adversary attempting to sabotage our efforts to reach our goals.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, below are a few ideas to deal effectively with our common, near term adversary:

(1)    Acknowledge the Reality.  We all face fear, anxiety, and worry.  We should possess the courage to call them out directly and not deny their existence.  No matter what phase of life we are in and no matter what level of worldly accomplishment or “validation” event we have passed through, we will still face fear, anxiety, and worry as we transition into the next turn in life.

(2)    Take Action.  The best known antidote to fear, anxiety, and worry is action.  When we take action toward goals, the adversary loses its grip.  Just like the ‘butterflies’ before a big game, after the first play, they are gone and we are focused on the task at hand.  The biggest risk we face in dealing with fear, anxiety, and worry is that we don’t get out of bed and get in the game.

(3)    Keep the Faith.  The very fact that we are still standing is testament to the fact that we have already passed through some difficult challenges in the past.  Whether they were in school, in the home, in the workplace or in some other endeavor, we faced this adversary before and we overcame.  Whether we describe our faith in terms of a relationship with God who knows the whole story or we have faith in the truth found in principles like perseverance and courage, we should rally our faith to keep moving forward against the near term adversary.

We will continue to face struggles as we journey towards achieving our goals.  When we possess the courage to stand up and face the near term adversary of fear, worry, and anxiety, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to make meaningful progress towards achieving our goals and motivating those around us to overcome their own challenges.

As we approach spring each year so much of our nation emerges from a long, cold winter.  With the time change that accompanies the move into spring, the longer evenings afford all of us the opportunity to observe a later sunset and quietly reflect on the challenges of the day.

In the busyness of life, we often fail to take a moment to reflect on where we have been and briefly remind ourselves on where we desire to go in order to build our energy to continue the journey. The longer evenings brought on at this time of year support the chance for some meaningful reflection during those sunset moments.

As we continue on our personal journey to build and strengthen our character, there is an opportunity with longer evenings and those upcoming sunset moments to reflect on day to day happenings and also on the big questions about what we desire to see in the years to come.

The Book of Proverbs says, “Where there is no vision, the people will perish.”

Real world experience and academic research would reinforce the importance of determining clear goals and specific plans to achieve those goals in order to make meaningful progress on any endeavor.  In addition, psychologists would describe something called “purposeful imagination.” Basically, if we can clearly see ourselves achieving those goals, emotionally feel what we would feel like in achieving those goals, we build strength to endure the inevitable challenges we will face in achieving our goals.

We hear a great deal about “vision” and “purpose” statements for individuals, families, and organizations.  These are very powerful tools to focus effort and rally a group to a cause.  Many times, with the effort to hang a vision statement on a wall, we fail to reconnect consistently to that statement and over time, our direction drifts off course.

There is a significant opportunity to use the long, slow quiet of a sunset to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, both tomorrow, and in the long journey of life.

When we take the time to look forward 5, 10, or 20 years, what do we see?

What is the state of our closest relationships?  Do we see relationships that have endured the inevitable ups and downs and continue to strengthen a mutual commitment to each other?  Do we see children that are productive members of the family, the community, and the workforce?  What is the legacy we leave behind to those that matter most?

What is the impact we are having over the years?

We all should work to develop the habit of making time in the quite of a sunset moment to reflect on the big questions.  Take a walk in the park, sit outside, or just briefly look off in the distance during a slow period of a child’s practice to see what we truly desire to see in the years to come.

As we take the time to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, we will build energy to persevere on our journey and we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to not only see the future we desire, but make meaningful progress towards achieving it.

There has been a steady amount of academic support, business experience, and personal testimony to the concept that when we view our role as serving others, we form a strong foundation to create value.  Whether we are serving our customers, the teams we work on, members of our family, or people in our community, the idea of serving others helps solidify our efforts to accomplish great things.

After the basics of survival are met, psychologists would tell us that our next greatest need is to know we matter to someone or some cause greater than our own.  The two primary ways we find opportunity in meeting this critical need is in our personal relationships and through our chosen career.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, there is an important paradox in the role of serving others that we need to understand as we genuinely work to meeting this important personal need of knowing that we matter.

Long-term, personal relationships:

We have all heard the saying, “opposites attract.”  It is definitely true in the scientific world and it also seems very common in the human condition with finding a mate.

We see the real-life examples of this all around us when we see the “organizer” who is paired with the bumbling slob.  The “stable and secure” with the chaotic and risky.  The “provider” being able to help the one in need.  The “afflicted and struggling” being supported and encouraged to change by the martyr.

We all bring certain strengths to a relationship and we use those strengths in an honest, genuine attempt to serve and help our mate.  Most healthy relationships are grounded in serving one another.  This heart-felt commitment to serve and support our mate provides the foundation for meeting this need to know we matter to someone.

We feel secure in using our strengths to fill the gaps of our mate because it is a known skill for us and we are confident in our ability to deliver the service and meet the need.

We genuinely feel that by serving our mate in meeting these needs, we will satisfy our own need of being wanted, needed, and appreciated.  Our mate will recognize our service and respond with acknowledgement that will confirm we matter.

Because of differences in how we show love and appreciation and in our personalities and communication styles, the paradox comes into play in two ways:  Many times our mate will (1) Not “see” our intent to serve and will view our efforts as belittling or demeaning and (2) If they do “see” our intent to serve, they will respond in a manner that does not resonate positively with us.  The eventual outcome is that we don’t feel appreciated and we fall short of meeting the need to know we mattered to someone else despite all of our genuine efforts to serve.

Overtime, with this disconnect, frustration sets in.  We start to resent those qualities in our mate that we originally intended to use our strengths to serve and help.  We quit serving, contempt sets in soon after, and we start talking about “irreconcilable differences” as grounds for a break-up.

The cycle continues as we find another mate with the same gaps as our first and we faithful try again to serve and lovingly fill those gaps with a known strength of our own.

Roles in the workplace:

We can find ample opportunity to meet the need to know we matter to a cause above ourselves in our chosen career field.  The relatively consistent feedback loop of setting goals, measuring goals, and receiving recognition for achieving those goals seems to be a well-proven process of finding a place to serve and be recognized and appreciated for that service.  In terms of meeting that strong emotional need to matter, we seem to find a good fit in our chosen career.

The challenge for leaders with a workforce and a marketplace that continues to grow more complex, the desired needs of people in our organizations vary a great deal and the traditional means of simple financial tools to recognize great effort seem to be losing their effectiveness.  With a growing workforce that is being accustomed to “point and click” to get exactly what they want, when they want it, leaders have to be prepared to respond to these trends.

Despite the changes in workforce demographics, employees still possess a strong need to know they are making an impact and they matter to a cause bigger than themselves.   When leaders fail to recognize the efforts of employees in a manner that resonates with them, their engagement weakens and high rates of turnover soon follow.  Leaders have an increasingly important role to develop feedback mechanisms and reward systems that are flexible and dynamic to meet the needs of today’s diverse workforce.

The Balance:

As we all try to balance the effort between work and family, the Servant’s Paradox™ has a tendency to shift the balance over to work instead of relationships in the home when the need to know we matter is felt greater in the workplace than on the home front.

Ideas to Keep Us Moving Forward:

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, below are a few action steps to take as we face the reality of the Servant’s Paradox™:

(1)   Recognize the truth that we all have a need to know we matter to someone or a cause bigger than ourselves.

(2)   Acknowledge that the vast majority of us genuinely focus on serving with our strengths to meet the needs of others in relationships and in organizations.

(3)   Work to understand the different ways we feel appreciated in the home front and in the workplace.  From the standpoint of a mate, understand the manner in which our mate feels loved and how they see that love communicated.  From a leader-employee relationship, understand the most desired method of recognizing effort and accomplishment.

(4)   Leverage the understanding of these differences and act on that knowledge to deliver in a manner that resonates in our personal relationships and in our roles in the workplace.

(5)   Keep serving.  It is the timeless, universal principle that will not disappoint in the long run.  The long run is all that matters.

As we put effort into understanding differences and acting on that knowledge, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to sustain our efforts to serve others, for us to meet an important need to know we matter, and we will take a healthy step towards addressing the balance of needs being met in the workplace and on the home front.

 

 

Benjamin Franklin is recognized as one of the wisest men in our nation’s history.  He is known for a method of decision making that has been widely used throughout the world.  Essentially, Franklin’s process is a matter of drawing a line down the middle of a piece of paper, listing the pros and cons, reflecting on them, and then making a decision.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we determine what list we bring out when we face difficulties and need to make a decision.  These are times when we just can’t take Yogi Berra’s advice; “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”  In reality, when we face challenges and need to make a difficult decision, there are two lists we bring out to help guide our decision.

The First List is the one that energizes and encourages us.  It reminds us of the times when we actually accomplished something special.  The times we received that fortunate break, the positive direction from a close friend, and the help we needed.  It reminds us of the blessings of a good start, of being born at a great time, in a land of freedom and opportunity.  This list reminds us of the nice things that people say about us.  This list speaks to us about our growth and potential.

The Second List is the one that drains and discourages us.  It reminds us of those nagging challenges in our lives that we continually face. This list highlights the troubles in our family and the hurtful, personal attacks we have felt in our lives.  This list shows the people around us who seem to get all the breaks and live at the corner of “lucky” and “easy” streets.  This list reminds us of the times we have been misunderstood and got the short end of the stick.  This list speaks to us about our disappointments and regrets.

The reality for all of us is that at every decision point, family challenge, or workplace event, we have a choice as to which list we review.  We will read it, review it, ponder over it, and we will rely on it to decide what to do next.  The choice is ours to make and whether we acknowledge it or not, we make this decision all the time.

Here are a few reasons why the First List should be the only one that matters:

(1)    There is a ton of scientific research and practical life experience that would recommend “count your blessings, name them one by one” really does work in elevating our level of performance, maintaining mental and emotional health, and reaching our goals.  There is too much proof to disregard the importance of reminding ourselves of the list of blessings in our lives when we face difficult and challenging situations.

(2)    We cast a shadow on those around us, whether we accept it or not.  When we choose from the Second List, we often drag that attitude around for a while and it has the potential to bring down those around us who we care about most.  We all are in a position of influence and it is not a kind thing to do when we bring a dark cloud over others based on our reliance on the Second List.

Every point of transition and decision are clear opportunities to learn and grow.  They are not dead-ends to remind us that we have limits.  We are not mice running in the proverbial walled box looking for cheese and no chance for freedom.  Each fork in the road opens up a new opportunity to learn, grow, and reach our potential.

As we read from the First List and crumple up the Second List, we choose hope, courage, and opportunity.  When we base our decisions on the First List, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

The smorgasbord concept became a part of the American restaurant scene after the Swedish brought this part of their culture to the 1939 New York World’s Fair.  Most baby boomer generation families will remember the original all you can eat concept as the smorgasbord.  Somewhere over the last 30 years or so, the term smorgasbord has been replaced by the All You Can Eat buffet in our current vernacular.

Regardless of the term we use, the all you can eat buffet concept is still with us today.  What a wonderful blessing.  I can eat all I want of a variety of foods: fruits, vegetables, meats, breads, soups, and of course, desserts, for just one low price.  In addition, the different likes and dislikes of everyone in the group are seamlessly addressed and there are almost no complaints about the choices.

Unfortunately, we all know what often happens at the buffet.  We eat way too much.  We regret the choices we made as we walk out the door and uncomfortably squeeze into the car for the drive home.

In today’s world, we have a virtual smorgasbord in every area of our lives.  The old style industrial concept of whoever is in power determines what styles are stocked on store shelves, music stores, bookstores, and certainly what we watch on television, has been flattened with the efficiencies of point and click convenience in today’s world.

We all can get what we want, when we want it, often for prices that seem unbelievable low…many times for free.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, the “all you can eat” lifestyle presents us with some challenges to ensure we don’t overeat in too many areas and to ensure we take full advantage of the opportunities to customize and support our own unique style.

Here are a few ideas to help guide us as we walk up and down the smorgasbord table of today’s reality:

(1)    Choices.  The number of options in life has exploded.  We can start our “dream” business overnight with an easy to build website.  We can customize the sneakers we buy.  We can watch our favorite TV show when we want to watch it.  We can go to classes at Harvard online for free.  Now, more than ever, we have to determine priorities and make choices. “Winging it” with all of the opportunities available to us today, will cause most of us to overeat everywhere and regret not making specific choices.

(2)    Responsibility.  With choices, comes responsibility.  We can no longer say, “Well, I just did not have the opportunity.”  We are no longer confined to what is on a store shelf to get what best fits our unique style. We are no longer confined to the public library or an expensive degree program to get a formal education.  When we overeat at the dessert table instead of eating some fruits and vegetables, we can’t play the blame game.

(3)    Individuality.  Many times in life, our unique talents, gifts, and desires get minimized in the mass production model of our industrialized world.  We picked certain careers based on what we saw around us and some perceived set of expectations.  We wore the clothes that seemed to help us fit into those expectations and through it all, we have minimized our own uniqueness. Today’s “all you can eat” opportunities give us a chance to re-birth our uniqueness in areas of work, family, fashion, and culture. We all should do a little soul searching to make sure we did not lose who we are based on some past confinements.  We should exercise the courage to be ourselves.

(4)    Time.  We all have some uncommitted time – Time when we are not on the job or at school, taking care of critical responsibilities at home, or working in some other area of service.  With today’s “all you can eat” entertainment offerings, we run the risk of overeating on entertainment under the concept of just needing some time to chill out, veg out, or honestly admitting to wanting to be a coach potato for the evening.  Our point and click entertainment choices combined with everyone’s personal electronics presents a unique and complex challenge to “family time” being customized to everyone going into their corner of the room with their own entertainment device.  The entertainment industry no longer controls a limited offering of watching Walter Cronkite deliver the evening news or I Love Lucy to make us laugh.  We all need to be vigilant to ensure we use our uncommitted time wisely and keep some family time as “together time.”

With today’s “all you can eat” lifestyle, if we don’t guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions with principles like moderation, self-control, and discipline, we will soon realize that we can’t make pants or belts big enough to contain our habits.  When we effectively leverage these principles, combined with cultivating our own uniqueness, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to learn, grow, and have a positive impact on those around us.

By the time this blog is distributed and the close of October is upon us, we are all moving quickly into the November and December holiday season.  Downtowns across this country are filled with trucks, cherry pickers, and workers hanging lights on “Main Street” preparing for the holiday season.

The holiday season brings a great deal of activity to most homes, businesses, and communities.   There are the finishing touches placed on projects to be completed before year end and the fine tuning of plans and budgets for the next year.

Most importantly, this time of year brings people together.  Whether it is events in the office, the community, or parties in the home, large groups of family and friends gather together.

As we continue on our personal journey to build and strengthen our character, the holiday season presents a great opportunity for each one of us to have a positive impact on others.

We all know there are plenty of struggles and challenges in our world today.  We can debate whether things are more challenging now than in past, but one thing is for sure, our world has become more complex and more intense over the years.  Looking more specifically in our homes, family conflict continues to be the most heart-breaking of all of life’s struggles.  Given the central role that families continue to play in our world, it is a place that should consistently garner our attention and effort.

I wanted to raise two ideas that I hope will be helpful and encouraging to have a positive impact in the home this holiday season.  Like most things that matter, we can’t just “wing it.”  We need to be intentional and prepare.  Consider this message part of the preparation phase for the holidays.  These two ideas can help to build and strengthen our character and have a positive impact on others.

(1)    A Word of Encouragement.  Research on relationships would show we all need about 4 or 5 positive comments to overcome one negative comment in supporting our emotional health.  We all seem to be bent on listening more to the negative and tuning out the positive. I am sure if we all conducted an inventory on comments we give or comments we receive, there probably is a deficit on the positives.  As we gather together this holiday season, we should focus on speaking encouragement into those around us.  Chances are good that those closest to us have been internalizing a little more of the negative than the positive throughout the year.

If some poor choices have resulted in this being a very difficult year, there is always the opportunity to speak hope and encouragement into someone for a fresh start into the New Year.  If relationships have become so strained because of some poor choices and gathering together is not even a possibility, I would recommend taking a small step and write a letter (a real letter, not an email) and see if the written word of encouragement can be a helpful first step in restoring the relationship.

We all could use some encouragement, especially in the home.

(2)    Tactile Connection.  In our digital world, we so often hear that we are “connected” with so many people.  “It was great to connect with you” is a common phrase on social media platforms.  We have significantly expanded how we describe getting connected as our lives have gone digital in so many areas.  Relationship research would show that without physical connection, relationships grow weaker.  Without tactile connection, we physically get weaker and our immune system is more susceptible to disease.

The reality is that as our world has become more connected with things like the internet, smart phones, and social media, families are actually becoming more disconnected primarily from a physical, tactile standpoint.  As we gather together during these last few months of the year, be intentional about making a “connection” with those in the home through a warm embrace and a consistent touch.

In addition, where there is a strained relationship, a genuine hug has been proven to be more effective than words as a first step to mend a broken and troubled relationship.  Be courageous and take the first step to attempt a genuine, warm embrace.

We all could benefit from a warm embrace to strengthen and secure relationships in the home.

As we begin planning and preparing for the holiday season, we will build and strengthen our character when we speak encouragement into others and make a physical connection with others in the home.  Our Character Creates Opportunity® to build strong, secure relationships with those closest to us.

 

As we continue on a journey to build and strengthen our character, the topics for the next two blog posts will be around the important opportunity for our personal growth that comes in the form of transitions in life.  In today’s post, we will focus on transitions in the typical seasons of life.  Next week, we will focus on the need to create transition moments in life in order to continue to raise the bar in our personal growth or as a helping hand to get out of a rut we have created during the somewhat steady, routine seasons of life.

Psychologists, counselors, and a fair amount of academic research would indicate that transitions in life can be a major source of stress and anxiety.

As students, there is the stress of transitioning from middle school to high school and high school to college and/or the workplace.

As adults, the transition of single life to married life, married life to life with children, and then the reversal of roles as children transition to take care of aging parents.

In the workplace, we see transitions happen with new leaders joining the team, promotions or downsizing, acquisitions, new markets we enter, etc. that all bring about stress and strain in the workplace.

Over a few generations, we have seen our communities in transition from relative safe-havens to places where metal detectors greet us in schools and public buildings and the thought of a child riding a bike across town makes us anxious.

The stress and strain in these transitions is unavoidable for most of us.

However, with a slight shift in mindset, these transitions offer tremendous opportunity to grow and reach our full potential.  The mindset shift occurs when we acknowledge the reality that (a) there will be periods of pain and discomfort in all transitions (b) there is truly no way to turn back the clock to the way things were as life is always moving forward whether we acknowledge it or not (c) embracing these inevitable transitions opens a door to reach out full potential.

Once we make this mindset shift, the benefits to our own personal growth and to the positive impact we can have on those around us is tremendous.  When we are intentional about learning and growing through these typical transitions in life we will:

(1)    Gain a broader perspective:  As we transition through new experiences, we develop a greater understanding of other people’s points of view, experiences, and approaches which expands our thoughts and improves our decision-making ability.

(2)    Build resilience and strength for the future:  Life will never be free of transitions.  We can have confidence in knowing that as we grow through this current transition, we will become stronger and more resilient to deal with the next challenge in our journey.

(3)    Get a chance to push the “reset” button:  Let’s face it…we all make mistakes.  When we walk through these major life transitions, we are afforded the opportunity “start again” with the benefits of past learnings to guide us to more effective choices in our new roles and relationships.

In dealing with the typical transitions in life, the choice is ours.  We can go “kicking and screaming” through these transitions, or we can embrace the chance to build and strengthen our character and realize the truth that Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential.

If I asked you, “what are the most difficult challenges you are facing today?” – What would you say?

Some may describe a particular relationship struggle in the home.  Others may describe a challenge at work in achieving a particular objective or dealing with a boss or coworker.  While others may describe some seemingly insurmountable financial difficulties either personally or in their business. Still others may have health issues that are all consuming.  Some may have lost purpose in their chosen career.  Perhaps others may describe a struggle with the past that continues to weigh them down.

What would you say?

Many of our struggles with work, finances, career choices, and even health issues have a natural ebb and flow throughout our journey of life.  If we gathered up all the academic research in human psychology, talked to countless numbers of “life-coaching” gurus, and reflected back on our own lives, we would all describe that despite our world growing more complex and intense, the most difficult and lasting struggles are still found in the home.  Family conflicts are the most heart-breaking of all of life’s toughest problems.

When we separate out the “normal” short-term ups and downs, we come to a clear conclusion that most long-term, sustaining family conflicts have their beginnings during the major transition points in life.  Just to state a few of the obvious ones:

• Transition into marriage.  “Two become one” is a lot easier said than done.
• Transition into parenting.  Time, effort, commitment take on a whole new level understanding.
• Transition for children to adolescence to adulthood.  Moving from “being taught” to “choosing to learn” is a responsibility that not everyone wants to accept.
• Transition of parenting.  The parental struggles of purpose and meaning when grown children become exactly what we want them to be, self-sufficient to take on the world.
• Transition of generations.  The grandparent struggle for purpose and meaning when grown children and grandchildren are actively engaged in the building of their own lives.
• Transition of life & death.  The struggle with the loss and the legacy.

Here are a few suggestions to support and encourage Intentional Family Engagement to more effectively deal with the tension that occurs through life’s most critical transitions:

(1)    Regroup:  Whether it is a marriage that has fallen off the tracks or families seeing a lack of care and concern, someone needs the courage to be the catalyst to “gather around the table” and raise the issue.  Avoidance is not a healthy option.  We don’t need the brilliance to come up with a solution, just the courage to start the discussion.

(2)    Understanding: This time (as we all probably fell short the first go around), genuinely try to understand the other person’s point of view.  Too often we are continually angling to have our point of view “win.” For perhaps the first time ever, focus all effort on trying to understand the other person’s point of view to a level that we can describe it back to them to his/her satisfaction.  Then and only then, should we proceed with raising our point of view.  It has been my experience, that when I have done this, my supposedly “brilliant” point of view was not even relevant to the real issue at hand.  Understanding is the most critical step along the path to resolving family conflict.

(3)    Seek a new direction.  Albert Einstein once said, “The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them.”  We need to come to the reality that the quick fixes that may have worked in the past, are most likely irrelevant today.  A new direction, anchored on timeless principles like honesty, loyalty, and commitment, should be our rallying cry.

If the three points above don’t work for you and when all else fails, just take the advice of one of my children who has a discerning heart to sense conflict in our home and simply have the courage to say, “I need a hug.”  Believe it or not, there is an overwhelming amount of research to show that a physical touch can break down walls of conflict in the home.  Even when tensions are high, both sides in the home should find the courage to touch.  It has been shown to make all the difference in getting on the right path to healing the wounds suffered during a family conflict.

As we develop the courage to regroup, seek understanding and a new direction, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to effectively address the most difficult of all of life’s struggles, family conflicts.

Exercise provides a tremendous benefit to our physical and mental health. 

We all have probably experienced the pattern of a rigorous workout routine or some sort of physical activity followed by sore muscles in the next day or so.  With some consistency over time, we build greater strength and endurance to take on even greater physical challenges.  Combined with good nutrition, our body has a great process for tearing down muscles with exercise and then rebuilding stronger over time.  With a stronger body, we could all live a healthier more abundant life.

The same basic concept on building physical strength can be said about the process to build and strengthen our character.   There is some exciting emerging science in the field of neurobiology that describes a similar process in our minds that supports mental health and in turn, healthier relationships and the foundation for greater personal impact.  Dr. Daniel Siegel from the UCLA School of Medicine and co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center has been doing some amazing research on how we can more effectively wire our brains to improve our own self-awareness, our empathy for others, and our collective sense as a family, a team, etc.  Mental activities like our feelings and thoughts flow as patterns of energy within our brains.  Our brains actually change connections and those connections grow stronger in response to our thoughts and the focus of our attention.  The process is called neuroplasticity.

Our character is built and strengthened when our thoughts, decisions, and actions are based on principles like honesty, courage, and loyalty.  When we consistently choose to have principles guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions, we are fundamentally changing the mental maps of our brains.  We begin to hard-wire and strengthen the most effective pathways to endure the ups and downs of life while heading in a healthy direction to build strong relationships in families, the workplace, and our communities.  Over time, we create and strengthen the patterns to be honest, courageous, forgiving, and faithful, no matter what the situation, based on the physical changes taking place in our brains.

The reverse is also true.  When we focus our attention on thoughts, decisions, and actions of deception to take the easy way out, hiding the truth to avoid embarrassment, or running from the tough conversation, we physically change our mental map.  We build strength around those connections in our brain to make deception, avoidance, and dishonesty the well-worn pattern of our behavior and our character is weakened.  When we encounter the need for courage to have the difficult, but necessary conversation, we avoid it and take the easy way out because we have strengthened our brain to go down that path.

Just like my inconsistent workout routines over the years, I can see seasons of my life where I developed well-worn mental maps in both areas.  Perhaps you can also.  The great news is, we all have the choice to get back on the most effective path.   Just like beginning a new exercise routine, it is a little painful at first, but once we build the pattern, the strength follows, and we start feeling better.

As we anchor our thoughts, decisions, and action on principles, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to hard-wire our brain to take the most effective path to health in our relationships, our businesses, and our communities.

“It is better to give than to receive.”  We have all heard that old saying.  Over the years, there has been a tremendous amount of academic research and real-life testimonies that have demonstrated the positive benefits of a focus on giving rather than receiving.  We reduce the rates of depression and anger while increasing productivity and impact.

Most recently, another research report confirmed the positive outcomes associated with an effort to give rather than receive.  Researchers at the University of Illinois recently released their results of a study demonstrating that 15-16 year-old students who invest time and effort into pro-social activities such as helping family members or serving a charity are less likely to suffer any level of depression than those who focus more of their time and effort on themselves.  The university researchers detailed their findings in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Many times we think about the joy of giving in terms of gifts to others and how wonderful it is to see the appreciative look on someone’s face.  The giving of gifts is a wonderful gesture.  However, the benefits have a relatively short time horizon and limited impact on maintaining a positive spirit. In contrast, the focused effort of giving ourselves to a relationship or a cause greater than our own, presents a real opportunity to sustain the lifting of our spirits and creates a strong defense against the grips of depression and anger in the journey of our lives.

As we look deeper into the opportunity to sustain the benefits of giving over receiving in relationships and worthy causes, we can identify the real challenge we face.   Consistently giving ourselves to a cause greater than our own, although difficult, many times is done alongside others and the collective force of the group helps support and encourage our continued individual effort to give.

The real challenge we face in sustaining the benefits of giving rather than receiving lies in our closest relationships.  When considering relationships that we have for the long term, obviously those in our homes and many times those in our work, we need the discipline to give over the long run.   Relationships have their share of ups and downs unlike the sporadic gift giver that can “drop and run” with a smile.  Close relationships are where the real opportunity lies to see the fruits of our labor to be givers rather than receivers.

The discipline to give consistently over time in our close relationships is a clear character building opportunity for all of us.

I wanted to provide a few thoughts on how we can maintain the discipline to give over the long haul in our closest relationships.

#1 Setting the proper expectations as we go into a relationship is a good place to start.  Focus on asking and answering the question, “What can I give to this relationship” as oppose to “What I can receive from this relationship.”  Maintaining the discipline to deliver on the expectations of “what can I give” works for marriage, being a parent, an employee, a leader etc.  We build a healthy foundation for the long term by addressing the right question from the beginning.

#2 As Winston Churchill said, “When you are going through hell, keep going.” What may seem like a living hell will come at some point in close relationships.  We all wish it was not true, but the reality is that we, at some point in our closest relationships, will all experience that dark point of feeling the relationship has reached a permanent breaking point.  The most effective way through the struggle and into better times, is to maintain the discipline to give rather than focus on ourselves and what we are not receiving.  It is not easy in the challenges of a marriage, of dealing with a “prodigal” son or daughter, or a difficult, unfair boss, but maintaining the discipline to give in those toughest of times, will continue to build a defense against depression and anger to return a positive impact.

Close relationships are where the real opportunity lies to see the fruits of our labor to deliver on the truth that “it is better to give than to receive.”

As we focus our efforts on giving rather than receiving, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build a wall of protection against depression and anger in our closest relationships.