Let’s face the truth.  All of us have made mistakes, fallen short of goals, and had a few really painful disappointments in life.

There has been a great deal written about a recent trend by many academics to build resumes of their failures to demonstrate to students (and the world) that we all have failed numerous times in the pursuit of goals in order to better prepare students for the real world.

Given that we have all fallen short, the opportunity for redemption, or helping us to become more acceptable, especially in the eyes of those closest to us, is extremely relevant as we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character and reach our full potential.   The opportunity for redemption is very appealing to meet a most important human need beyond the basics, the need to know we matter and are accepted by those around us.

Like most efforts in reaching our full potential, the steps towards redemption are no different, we have some internal work to do on ourselves and we have some external effort we can offer those around us.

Internal Steps:

The inward journey towards redemption begins with a good inventory of those times we have fallen short.  The easy part is the concrete shortfalls in a career journey, academics, financial failures, etc.  The really hard part, but most meaningful inventory, are the times we have fallen short in the relationships closest to us; A lost temper, a hurtful word, or a rejection when we were needed most.  That is the list that hurts the most.

This type of inventory helps in two important ways (1) The list keeps us grounded and humble.  The Scriptures warn us that “pride comes before the fall” so we all should want to avoid that painful reality as much as possible. (2) The list helps us to be less judgmental of those around us.  We have a tendency to not be as critical when we have some self-awareness of our own shortcomings.

External Steps:

The external journey towards redemption begins with a word of encouragement to others.  Offering an encouraging word to others is many times the gateway for developing a deeper relationship with someone close to us.  We live in a world that emphasizes the negative and an encouraging word can be like oxygen to someone suffocating in an environment of negativity and pessimism.  We all carry a few heavy burdens known only to ourselves and an encouraging word is a helpful boost as we journey along.

Encouragement, especially to those closest to us, can help in a few important ways (1) Helps others feel better about themselves and begin to feel they matter (2) Creates an environment where others may become more open to share struggles without the fear of judgment and shame (3) Enables others to move forward in their own journey even if it is silently alone.

These internal and external steps are necessary on the continual journey towards redemption.  The journey towards redemption is ongoing in the real world as life is not stagnant.  We encounter new people, new experiences, new challenges, and ultimately a few more failures along the way.  Similar to the phrase, “life is a journey not a destination” so can be said of the process towards redemption with those closest to us in our homes and families.

As we continue to move forward with these steps towards redemption, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build strong and healthy relationships with those that matter most.

“There is a time for everything” so it says in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.  The word Ecclesiastes is most often translated as “the preacher.”  Preach on my friend.

For those of us preparing to sprint to the post office in the coming days to pay our taxes in the United States, it is truly a time to pay.  Although we all probably have a strong opinion about whether these tax dollars are spend efficiently or not, regardless, it is a time to pay.

However, the reality is that there is always a time to pay.  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, we will come to realize there is a need to consistently, day by day, make a payment to reach our full potential.

In the ebb and flow of our closest relationships, we usually don’t realize we have been missing a few payments until something really blows up.  We then realize there was a pattern of missed payments that could have strengthened the foundation instead of weakened it.

In our chosen profession, we usually don’t realize we have been missing a few payments towards our professional growth to remain competitive in the marketplace, until the pink slip arrives at the next downsizing. We then realize there was a pattern of missed payments that could have kept us competitively in the game longer.

In our own personal finances or while we are on the subject of taxes, in our nation’s finances, we usually don’t worry too much about the occasional use of credit to carry us through some lean times.  We then realize there was a pattern of missed payments and the remedy is painful to get our financial house in order.

Similar to the quote from Ernest Hemingway’s book, The Sun Also Rises, in which a character is asked, “How did you go bankrupt?”  He responds, “Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.”

Our payment always seems enormous when the proverbial dam breaks.  However, our real opportunity to reach our full potential in all areas of life, is to make the habit of small and manageable, daily payments.

Making daily, consistent payments to build health in our close relationships is the most effective time to pay.

Making daily, consistent payments to our personal and professional growth is the most effective time to pay.

Making daily, consistent payments in overseeing our personal finances is the most effective time to pay.

These daily payments form helpful habits that focus on prevention rather than the massive payments we will make when the problem is out of control.

As we make daily payments in the important areas of life, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to build a strong foundation for a bright future.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, I wanted to write about a principle that gets little mention in today’s “loud and proud” environment.  When we call roll for those who have delivered lasting, positive impact in our world, in our communities, and most certainly in our homes, there is a common virtue among them that is tough to find in the intensity of our world today.

The quality of gentleness, or “strength under control” as the more practical, relevant definition, continues to be an effective behavioral anchor for us in dealing with relationships in the complexity of life today.

I am confident that if I polled the readers of this blog, we could all give a few solid testimonies about when we “lost it” in a relatively intense or even seemingly routine interaction with a family member, coworker, or friend.  We occasionally blame our response on the hectic commute across the town, the stressful day at work, the loss of the big game, our finances, the weather etc.   However, we all know we fell short in demonstrating strength under control and we most likely took a big withdrawal out of the proverbial “relationship bank account” and needed to work extra hard making deposits into the future if we wanted to repair the relationship.

Maintaining gentleness in today’s world is not easy.  The real-life situations of dealing with an unruly child while hustling to get ready for work, an irate customer call just as “normal business hours” have passed and your daycare is closing, the spouse that just seems oblivious to the situation you are struggling to get through, or the aging parent who does not realize her limitations are all situations that put our gentleness to the test.  It is not easy to maintain strength under control, but it is well worth the effort.

There are several positive outcomes that we can all expect by demonstrating a greater degree of gentleness or strength under control in our interactions with others:

1. Gentleness has been shown over time, either through time-tested philosophers or academic research, to be the more effective method in strengthening relationships and sustaining positive behavioral change compared to the typical “loud, proud, and loss of control” technique we all so quickly adapt.
2. We will quickly replace the regretful thought of “oh, I should not have acted that way” with the cherished memory that we did the harder right, rather than the easier wrong, and more times than not, maintained a productive connection to continue the relationship another day.
3. Our example will be “watched” by those around us and whether we ever see it or not, others will be positively impacted by our actions.

One final note of truth from the late Leo Buscaglia, PhD.  I am not sure if you remember Leo, but he was “Dr. Love” in the 70s & 80s who was famous for his sold-out “Love 1A” class at the University of Southern California.  His PBS Specials (which are on YouTube for those interested) were an earlier and less rehearsed version of modern day TED Talks for healthy relationships.  Leo Buscaglia, in describing a relevant truth of those exhibiting the virtue of gentleness said, “Only the weak are cruel.  Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

We should all strive to be strong and model the principle of gentleness.  As a result, we will continue to make steady progress on building and strengthening our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a positive, lasting impact in our relationships.

There is no doubt that we learn and grow through experience.  “Experience is the mother of all learning,” so the saying goes.  Most psychologists would add to that statement and say that we learn the most during difficult and painful experiences.

The typical question we ask when life gets tough is “why?”  “Why is this happening to me?” “Of all possible times, why now?”  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, how we respond to the typical question “why” will make all the difference in reaching our full potential.

Some answers to the question “why” are pretty easy to figure out and relatively direct.  Why did I wreck the car? Well, I was texting and driving.  Why did I fail the test?  Well, I did not study.  Why did we not reap an abundant harvest this year?  Well, we did not spend time preparing the land, cultivating the crops during the growing season, and we were just hoping the fall would bring forth a great harvest.

Many times there is not a logical or practical response around the “why” question:

• Why am I or a loved one suffering a life threatening disease or illness?
• Why are some of my closest relationships continuing to struggle?
• After 15 years of hard work, why was I the next person called during the downsizing?
• Why can’t I just catch a break every once in a while?

The cold, hard reality in this life is that we will never know the answer to many of the difficult “whys” is our lives.

Below are a few thoughts to help walk down a more effective path when we face difficult times and want to ask why:

• It is quite typical to ask “why me” and “why now” during a struggle. We should not beat ourselves up for being human and asking the “why me” question every now and again.  It is not helpful to linger a long time with these questions, but it is ok to acknowledge we are human and the question is in the back of our minds from time to time.
• Acknowledge the reality that there probably is not an easy, logical explanation for the present struggle. Simply playing the “it is their fault” blame game on complex issues such as close relationships or work related struggles is not helpful.  There is usually enough responsibility to go all around on the complex struggles in life.
• Gain perspective and peace quickly that there is an opportunity to learn and grow in the pain and struggle. The one gift that is there for the taking in difficult times is the learning and personal growth we can receive as an outcome from the experience.  When we can develop a mindset of continually personal growth, we can ensure we are on a path to reach our full potential
• Focus on moving forward. We know there will be unavoidable difficulties and painful experiences that we will encounter. There will definitely be things we said or did that we genuinely wish we could take back and ‘do over.’  However, there are no ‘do overs’ in the life we are living.  We just need to keep moving forward in the direction of our hopes and dreams.

Life can only be lived in the present moment.  As we focus on learning and growing instead of trying to answer the “why” questions, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity® to build healthy relationships and the chance to have a positive impact on those around us.

If I were to ask you, “What are the most difficult problems you face today?’

What would you say?

Maybe you are in a real struggle with a close relationship.  Maybe you feel stuck in a job that is not satisfying.  Maybe you or a loved one have health issues that are all consuming.  Maybe you are facing a difficult financial situation. Maybe you feel flooded with commitments and obligations. Maybe you are struggling to find meaning and purpose.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, how we fill the gap between our current problems and our response to those problems can make a world of difference in bringing about the outcome desired.

Whether we look at documents of history, read psychology textbooks, or review our own personal experience, we would come to the cold, hard reality that we only bring about positive change and personal growth in our lives when we face difficult and painful situations.

Discontent and frustration over our current situation is the first step in growth.

The gap between our struggle and our response presents our opportunity for positive change.

When we stand in that gap, what do we do?

What do we do with the normal and unavoidable frustrations between a parent and a growing teenager?

What do we do with the inevitable frustrations between couples?

What do we do when faced with a teacher in school who seems unreasonable and illogical?

What do we do when a missed promotion at work seems so unfair?

When we stand in the gap between those difficult situations and our response with thoughts and decisions based on principles like courage, hope, responsibility, and understanding, we build and strengthen our character and are best positioned for growth and a positive outcome.

When we stand in the gap with thoughts, decisions, and actions guided by anger, apathy, and the death-nail of relationships, contempt, we weaken our character and most certainly bring about an undesired outcome.

The reality is that some of these issues are complicated and intense.  It all certainly sounds much easier said than done.  However, all good and worthy things start with a strong foundation.  The foundation that can best fill the gap between extremely challenging personal struggles and our response is built on principle.  Principles like courage, honesty, commitment, and hope can build a strong foundation to bring about positive change.

Building a strong foundation is a simple, daily choice we can all make.

As we build a strong foundation on principle, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to make the most effective choice when we stand in the gap between our situation and our response.

 

“Will this be on the test?”  This single question is probably the most dreaded question for any teacher to hear from a student. In a moment’s time, that question erases all aspiration for learning in the classroom, sets the foundation for a low bar in our educational experience and if we are not careful, for life itself.

When that question is asked, we expose the raw motivations of a student who just wants to get by.  If we are honest with ourselves, we all asked that question in the classroom or in our minds as the teacher began covering another topic.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, we need to be intentional about not asking that same question in other areas of life.  We face a significant risk of failing to reach our full potential when all we care about is just getting by in the near term.

Most adults will acknowledge that one of the biggest shortfalls in our academic experience was that we focused on just making it through to graduation, grades were the only benchmark, and we were not really trying to learn the material.  Doing whatever it took to just get by.

The mindset of doing just enough to get through the experience is a huge headwind against ever reaching our full potential.  A “Will this be on the test?” mindset is harmful in many areas of our lives:

• In the workplace, we fail to stretch and grow. We add minimal value to the business and the people we work with to achieve our collective objectives.  When the downsizing happens, we may find ourselves on the wrong list.
• On the home front, we risk casting a shadow on those closest to us that the minimum is just fine and we create habits that lay the foundation for a limited impact in our world.
• In our areas of service beyond home and work, well, truth be told, if all we care about is what is on the test, we probably are not venturing beyond the minimum of work and putting food on the table.

As we look to learn and grow in our life’s journey instead of just asking “Will this be on the test?”, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on our world.

We are all familiar with the adage that “Hindsight is 20:20.”  With the benefit of looking back, many times we can see mistakes more clearly and we can assess weaknesses. The adage is rarely used in the context of looking back upon brilliant decisions that brought about great results.  Psychologists use various terms to describe the process: Hindsight bias, the knew-it-all-along effect, and creeping determinism are just a few.

Let’s face it, we all have made and we will continue to make a few mistakes along our way.

Given we all have influence on those around us in the many roles we play whether they are in the home, the workplace, and the community, we need more effective ways to discuss mistakes and move beyond the hard-wired tendency to use hindsight as a sledgehammer to pound home the lessons brought on by mistakes and less than satisfactory outcomes.

As we build and strengthen our character, we have an opportunity to use the benefit of hindsight to positively influence another individual to make more effective decisions as they continue the journey.

The typical conversation flow from the clarity of 20:20 hindsight is to sledgehammer mistakes made with comments like “I told you so” or “If you had listened to me in the first place” or “What were you thinking?” These comments have been shown to have very little positive impact on improving decision making and are detrimental to maintaining open communication with those we care about most.

Below are a few ways to more effectively use the benefits of hindsight and avoid using the Sledgehammer of Hindsight on those we care about most:

• Understand the thought process: Don’t start the discussion highlighting the outcome as that is the obvious part of the equation. Instead, start a discussion to better understand what the facts were at the time when initial decisions were made.  “What did you know to be true at the beginning?” Understanding an individual’s thought process around known facts is as area of great opportunity to grow and develop.  Many times it is fears, anxieties, and past mistakes that cloud our ability to objectively assess today’s facts and make effective decisions.
• Assess the commitment. Once a decision was made, addressing the commitment demonstrated to carry out the decision is another area of great insight to help someone reach their full potential.  Once the facts are gathered and a decision is made, it is the personal commitment to carry out the decision that most often determines the outcome.  The half-hearted commitment is a potential drag on all of us throughout life.  

Avoiding the Sledgehammer of Hindsight in discussing mistakes with those we care about most will demonstrate empathy and support improved decision making in the future.  In addition, we stand a better chance of keeping lines of communication open which are so often shut down in our homes with those we care about most.   

As we use the benefits of hindsight to positively impact those around us, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build long lasting health in our relationships.

I think Tom Petty was right when he sang, “The waiting is the hardest part.”

There is excitement at the start of any major endeavor.  Whether it is a new job, the start of a relationship, the preseason for an athlete, or the “black Friday” kick off of the holiday shopping season, there is always a great deal of excitement in the beginning.

Then there comes the unspectacular, slow-moving grind between a great start and the exciting finish and the accomplishment of the goal.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, the perspective we bring to the waiting period can make all the difference to the eventual outcome we are seeking.

It has often been said about athletic competition that the success achieved during the season is a direct result of the hard work and effort put in during the “off season” when there are no fans cheering and there is just the quiet of practice.

In pursuit of any academic endeavor, there is excitement at the start of the program and on graduation day, but in between is filled with the long, slow grind of the learning process.

Many close relationships have the excitement and “fireworks” at the start of the connection only to be replaced with the often unspectacular day to day plugging along of building a life together.

In the raising of children, parents work to do their best to build a strong foundation and prepare children to stand on their own in the world, then there is the waiting to see if they can actually do it.

The waiting period for life’s major events may seem like a long, slow grind with nothing happening, but in reality, this is the process of refinement.  Similar to the refinement process of removing impurities from the smelting of gold and silver, the waiting period is part of our own personal refinement to ensure the purity of our intent.

In the journey to build heath in a close relationship, it is the refinement of “me” not “you” that strengthens the relationship.  The refinement process removes the impurities of selfishness, stubbornness, and apathy to bring out the purity of love and sacrifice to make a close relationship work over the long term.

The preseason for an athlete is when the refinement process begins to shape and strengthen the mind and body to sustain health through the long, arduous season.

The process to achieve an advanced education takes time.  The waiting period between that exciting start and graduation day will remove the impurities of shallow motives and half-hearted effort only to reveal the purity of commitment and the quest for learning and growth.   

As we all will encounter the waiting in our journey towards the accomplishment of life’s goals, here are few thoughts to continue in the journey:

• There are no overnight successes. We do ourselves a favor by eliminating that dream and replacing it with the reality that anything worth something is going to take time and effort to achieve…even “love at first sight” takes effort over the long haul to make it last.
• Purification happens during the waiting and purification is essential to achieving a worthy goal. Time spent moving towards a goal takes effort and that effort removes a great deal of impurities to ensure what emerges is the purity of commitment and focus.
• The learning and growing that occurs in the waiting period is what will build our strength to set the bar even higher after we complete the current goal we are facing.

As we gain perspective on the value of the waiting period and even though it is still “the hardest part,” we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build great relationships and reach our full potential.

There is no denying that we live in a fast paced world.  Information about world events travels in an instant, products and companies in the marketplace are seemingly disrupted overnight by innovation from all corners of the world, and schedules in our home and communities seem jammed to capacity that planning a meal with friends takes on the complexity of planning a massive military operation.

In this busy world of ours, many times we do need to figure out how to keep pace just as a matter of survival.  Ask someone in the taxi business how their life has changed since UBER came to town. Ask someone in the music business how their life has changed since the days of NAPSTER, YOUTUBE and streaming music.  Just mention Amazon.com and most traditional businesses (not just bookstores), start to get anxious.

These events are not just “business” events.  These massive, rapid shifts in the marketplace impact homes, families and communities.  It is important that we all figure out how to keep pace with our rapidly changing world just to ensure we can provide the basics for those closest to us.

However, even in our fast pace world, there is the need for pause and reflection.  As a matter of fact, our intentional effort towards making time to reflect on the things that matter most, is even more critical in a fast paced world.  As we continue to build and strengthen our character, the power of reflection will provide opportunity to more effectively navigate a world that is moving at light-speed.

“The unexamined life is not worth living” Socrates

Whether we describe it as prayer, meditation, quite time, or whatever, the need to make time to consistently reflect on our lives, the relationships we are building, the choices we are making and the direction we are headed is critical to reaching our full potential.

In the busyness of this world, without reflection, we run the risk of heading full steam over the proverbial cliff, climbing the wrong mountain, or unknowingly dismissing those close relationships that we will most certainly regret at some critical moment in the future.

Here are a few thoughts on leveraging the power of reflection to reach our full potential:

1. Be intentional and make a plan. Nothing worthwhile ever gets done when we just “wing it.”  Sustaining a plan for reflection takes some personal initiative.
2. Be specific and consistent on a time. Some of us are early morning people, some are night owls, and some can tune out the noise in the middle of a busy day to find some time.  Just like the research tells us that great, healthy sleep patterns are found with a consistent bedtime and wake-up time, the same is true for strengthening the power of reflection.  Find a time that works and stick with it.
3. Be focused on the big picture. In reflective moments, try to move from the day to day issues to the longer term big picture thoughts of relationships, areas of service and legacy building.  Reflecting on these items has been shown to build hope even when facing very difficult circumstances in the present.
4. Be prepared to take a few notes. Jotting down a few thoughts and ideas has been demonstrated to be an effective first step in achieving our hopes and dreams in the important areas of our lives.   

As we become intentional on finding some time to reflect away from the busy lives we all lead, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

There was a recruiting campaign that the US Army developed in the 1980s called “Be All You Can Be.”  Even though the US Army has launched several effective themes since (“Army of One” and “Army Strong”), the “Be All You Can Be” theme continues to resonate in popular culture as it speaks to reaching our individual potential.

When we genuinely care about making progress towards reaching our full potential in the important areas of life, there is always a struggle to keep moving forward.  Whether it is our own experiences, the thoughts and opinions of others, or the unfortunate “poor timing” of our last effort to make a change, we begin to question what we are doing and the probability of success in reaching our goals.

In the real and practical world, as opposed to sitting in the audience and listening to some pump-up motivational speech, there are a few unspoken questions that either become STOP signs to our progress or guardrails as we continue on our journey.  The unspoken questions are “What will they think?” and “What will I tell them?”

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we acknowledge these unspoken questions and deal with them in a way that does not impeded our progress in reaching our full potential…Not someone else’s view of our potential (fill in the blank…a boss, a spouse, a parent, a child, a key stakeholder) but our own personal view of our potential (the sky should be the limit, in case you have any doubts).

Here are a few considerations to effectively address these unspoken questions:

• Acknowledge that it is our own fear that is woven into these unspoken questions. Fear of failing, fear of what others will think, or fear of disappointing someone is often reflected in addressing these questions.  Fear is a reality that most of us face, but in the long run, it is not a healthy driver of our decisions on the journey to reach our full potential.
• Acknowledge that we do care about the answers to these unspoken questions. It is not an effective strategy to say we just don’t care about what others think. The reality is we do care.  The greatest desire after taking care of our basic necessities of life is that we all want to feel a connection with others and that we belong.  Thinking about the potential answers to these questions is interconnected to meeting our basic need to belong.
• Acknowledge that the choice is ours: STOP sign or guardrail. As opposed to letting these questions become STOP signs to making a necessary change in our life, we should leverage them to refine our thinking and clarify our intentions.  This step will help us strengthen the decision we are making and solidify our resolve to move forward with the change no matter what we face. 

One final consideration that falls into a slightly different category than the above points is for each of us to work hard at not pre-judging a potential response by someone close to us.  Just because they responded with “what, are you crazy?” the last 100 times we made a major decision to take action and change course, does not make it helpful to pre-judge their next response.  Just as we hope to learn and grow, we should give the benefit of the doubt to those closest to us that they have the potential to learn and grow to become an encourager as opposed to an impediment to our efforts to reach our full potential.

As we learn to more effectively address these unspoken questions, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and reach our hopes and dreams.