There has been a great deal recently written and discussed on the topic of loneliness.  Most of you reading this blog have been “around the block” a few times and can most likely relate to the reality that all of us walk through periods of loneliness in our lives.  Prior to the last decade or so, the topic of loneliness was never discussed around the dinner table, in the classroom, and rarely even mentioned within the confines of traditional religious services.  There was very little authentic sharing of one of our most common human experiences of being in the dark valley of loneliness during certain points in our lives.

Regardless of whether we believe the topic is open for discussion or not, the reality still exists that we all have felt terribly alone at certain points in our lives.  There were those school-age experiences of when the best of friendships became strained or a ‘first love’ ended or never actually got started (those of us who were rejected in the school hallway can relate to that reality).  There was perhaps a time when the choices we made caused us to fall out of favor with the ‘cool’ group and we felt all alone.  The quiet struggle of dealing with being away from home for the first time in a dorm room at college, a cold hard bunk-bed in basic training, or some other place that removed us from the comforts of home brought us into the valley of loneliness.

We do not escape the periodic grip of loneliness as adults either.  The times of strained and broken relationships with those closest to us always seem to result in a feeling of loneliness.  In the journey of marriage, all of us (it is not an exaggeration to say 100% of us) have walked through a period in our closest relationships where we have felt absolutely all alone even when we have someone sharing the same bed with us.  In the workplace, falling short of some performance goal or being an ‘outlier’ on the lower end of some performance grid can bring us into a very lonely spot.  The ‘politics’ still present in many organizations can result in us feeling left out of the ‘cool’ crowd and all alone just like in grade school.

Even in the ‘golden years’ of life as senior citizens in retirement, the feelings of loneliness are sometimes even more present.  As children and grandchildren progress through new experiences and quite often a very busy season of life, grandparents can feel a huge sense of isolation and loneliness.  We could devote a significant amount of time to this topic as 10,000 baby boomers each day in America will reach the age of 65 for about the next 20 years.

The occasional pep talk of just “get motivated” is a good one and may just be the snap-back to reality we need to get us back on track.  However, for most people, if it were that easy to snap out of it, they would, and often do give themselves the ‘halftime motivational talk’ and keep moving forward without anybody ever noticing their own internal struggle.

The unfortunate reality is that sometimes the shadow of loneliness grows long and it takes a more intentional effort to overcome.  In the book, The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway, there is a scene when Mike, one of the main characters, is asked how he went bankrupt.  He responded, “Two ways.  Gradually, then suddenly.”  When I speak to adults about the topic of loneliness, I see essentially the same description.  A small infraction in a relationship that is first ignored, then another comes along, then another, until a major event triggers a bankruptcy in the relationship and the very real sense of being all alone in the dark valley of loneliness sets in.

As we continue on our journey of building and strengthening our character, there are a few steps we can take to become more resilient in bouncing back from the inevitable feelings of loneliness we will all encounter.  The first step, like in most situations, is to have the courage to face reality.  In this case, the reality being that we will encounter times of feeling all alone throughout our journey of life.  We are not the exception, we are the norm.   Accepting this reality will help us to not lose energy on an unproductive sense of denial or surprise when we arrive “gradually, then suddenly.”

The next steps are the real tough ones.  In our most struggling times of loneliness, we need to (1) resist the desire to think only about ourselves and (2) move with compassion in service of others.  Compassion is defined as a desire to alleviate the suffering and burdens of others.  We should make the choice to lift our eyes off ourselves and turn to those around us with compassion and a desire to serve.   We will soon realize that one of the major benefits of serving others is the light on our own personal struggle becomes strangely dim.

Below are just a few ways we can work our way more effectively through a period of loneliness by serving others.

In the workplace, consistently passing along sincere words of encouragement to hard working coworkers or stepping up to help someone else deliver on a major project are a few practical ways to move with compassion and serve others.

In the home, when the feelings of loneliness creep into our closest relationships, we need to overcome our natural desire to “go to a neutral corner” and move forward to directly, with sincerity and humility, meet the needs of the one where the relationship is strained.   We need to rebuild the connection with compassion to serve rather than be served.

Making a decision to move with compassion to serve others will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to move efficiently out of the valley of loneliness and into healthier and stronger relationships, especially with those closest to us.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, I wanted to write about a virtue that gets little mention in today’s “loud and proud” environment.  When we call roll for those who have delivered lasting, positive impact in our world, in our communities, and in our homes, there is a common virtue among them that is tough to find in the intensity of our world today.

The quality of gentleness, or “strength under control” as the more practical, relevant definition, continues to be an effective behavioral anchor for us in dealing with relationships in the complexity of life today.

I am confident that if I polled all the readers of this blog, we could all give a few solid testimonies about when we “lost it” in a relatively intense or even seemingly routine interaction with a family member, coworker, or friend.  We occasionally blame our response on the hectic commute across the town, the stressful day at work, the loss of the big game, the weather etc.   However, we all know we fell short in demonstrating strength under control and we most likely took a big withdrawal from the proverbial “relationship bank account” and needed to work extra hard making deposits into the future if we wanted to repair the relationship.

Maintaining gentleness in today’s world is not easy.  The real-life situations of dealing with an unruly child while hustling to get ready for work, an irate customer call just as “normal business hours” have passed and your daycare is closing, the spouse that just seems oblivious to the situation you are struggling to get through, or the aging parent who does not realize her limitations are all situations that put our gentleness to the test.  It is not easy to maintain strength under control, but it is worth the effort.

There are several positive outcomes that we can all expect by demonstrating a greater degree of gentleness or strength under control in our interactions with others:

(1) Gentleness has been shown over time, either through time-tested philosophers or academic research, to be the more effective method in strengthening relationships and sustaining positive behavioral change compared to the typical “loud, proud, and loss of control” technique we all so quickly adapt.

(2) We will quickly replace the regretful thought of “oh, I should not have acted that way” with the cherished memory that we did the harder right, rather than the easier wrong and more times than not, maintained a productive connection to continue the relationship another day.

(3) Our example will be “watched” by those around us and whether we ever see it or not, others will be positively impacted by our actions.

One final note of truth from the late Leo Buscaglia, PhD:  I am not sure if you remember Leo, but he was “Dr. Love” in the 70s & 80s who was famous for his sold-out “Love 1A” class at the University of Southern California.  His PBS Specials (which are on YouTube for those interested) were an earlier and less rehearsed version of modern day TED Talks for healthy relationships.  Leo Buscaglia, in describing a relevant truth of those exhibiting the virtue of gentleness said, “Only the weak are cruel.  Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

We should all strive to be strong and exhibit gentleness.  As a result, we will continue to make steady progress on building and strengthening our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have positive, lasting impact in our relationships.

There is a great deal of material written about and attention given to leaders. One of the burdens of leadership is often summarized in the quote it is “lonely at the top.”  There are many times when a leader needs to step forward and decide. The leader has gathered all the input, sorted through the data, and then at some point a decision needs to be made.  There is that moment of decision when the burden is only fully felt by the leader.  This is when a leader confronts that cold reality that it is truly “lonely at the top.”

However, today’s message is not about the “leader”, but about the often underappreciated role that most of us play…The role of serving to get the job done.  Mostly out of the spotlight, behind the scenes, and without the typical fanfare that comes with the “lonely role at the top.”  Similar to an offensive lineman blocking for a great running back or providing protection for a great quarterback to find the open receiver, the offensive line, like many of us, do our job faithfully day in and day out without being in the spotlight.

Although many times underappreciated, there is something extremely honorable about the commitment of those who get the job done in our workplace, our communities and our homes.  A tremendous example is quietly set by those getting up on a cold, dark morning and getting the job done on a consistent basis that is worthy of appreciation, but so often goes without it.  It does not matter what role you play; whether you get up and load boxes into a truck, pack a lunch for children, sit and hold grandchildren, or plan the strategy for an organization.  The day in day out choice you make to get up and get going despite going underappreciated for not just days, but perhaps years, is worthy of praise and honor.

Truth be told, our most underappreciated examples of honorable, quiet service most often occur with those closest to us in our homes and extended family.

We may not realize it, but those around us, whether they are our children, our coworkers, or our neighbors are all impacted by our example to get up and get going.  The spotlight or the press can be fleeting and inaccurate over time on those individuals in high-level positions.  However, the day to day example of those in quiet service to a cause beyond themselves and honorably fulfilling their commitments are to be given the highest praise for their impact is positive and lasting on those around them.

All of us, at certain points in our journey across the various roles we play, will feel underappreciated for our efforts.  Whether it is an insensitive spouse, a young adult going through that “know it all” phase, a preoccupied boss, or selfish coworkers, we all will go through times of service where we just feel underappreciated.

In most cases, especially in the home, the tide does eventually turn.  The insensitive spouse or the “know it all” young adult eventually has that “light-bulb” moment when they realize the quiet service that has been delivered faithfully over the years.  However, if they do not, it is important that we do not lose our drive to deliver on our commitments to do our job and fulfill our obligations.  Continuing to move forward in quiet service is the right thing to do.

If you have felt underappreciated for a while, take this writing as a little “pat on the back” of encouragement for a job and an example well done.  In addition, we all should do some self-reflection and see if we are that insensitive spouse, “know it all” young adult, preoccupied boss, or selfish co-worker and start today to put forth some encouragement and recognition to those who are in honorable, quiet service around us.

There are two key points from today’s message:

(1) Keep moving forward in quiet service no matter how seemingly underappreciated or unrecognized our efforts become.  Our day in and day out example to maintain our commitments will have a positive impact on those around us, even if we do not see it today.

(2) We should avoid allowing the negative energy of bitterness to set in when our service goes unnoticed or the praise and recognition for the task goes to someone else.  Continue to transfer energy into serving and minimize the negative energy that can creep in when recognition or appreciation is non-existent. If not, it will have a negative impact on our ability to deliver on our commitments.

There is a famous poem that has been attributed to a number of individuals.  The most famous accounting is that it is written on the wall in one of the Missionaries of Charity orphanages in India that was founded by the late Mother Teresa.  The poem is entitled, Anyway.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.   Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

In essence, the learning is to continue to build and strengthen our character by doing what is right, regardless if we are appreciated or not and regardless if someone says thanks or not.  Our efforts will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a positive impact in our world and on those closest to us.

The positive financial impact of compounding interest is well known and has been reinforced by some of the brightest minds in our history.  Benjamin Franklin described compounding as “Money can beget money, and its offspring can beget more.”  A quote commonly attributable to Albert Einstein is, “Compounding is mankind’s greatest invention because it allows for the reliable, systematic accumulation of wealth.” Compound interest is one way our money can make more money. It is a simple, yet effective way of building financial strength.

As we look to continue to build and strengthen our character, the concept of compounding interest can provide some insight.  Before we go there, it is important to acknowledge that we all have an element of our nature that wants a quick fix to our struggles or a fast track to achieving our life-long goals.  We want financial security now and there is a strong appeal to some quick, potentially high return investment.  We listen to a motivational speaker at some high energy sales conference and we expect great results on day one.  We attend a weekend marriage retreat and plan to apply the ‘5 principles of a great marriage’ on Monday and then we expect to finally have the relationship we desire.  We get the DVD series and new juice blender to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks and we believe we have found the fountain of youth (we have cabinets full of DVDs and blenders in case any of you are wondering).

The reality is quick, lasting fixes don’t happen in the major and most important areas of our life.   As we think about the principle of compounding interest, there are some relevant learnings that compounding can have in many areas of our lives beyond financing.  When we look at a graph of building financial strength with compounding over time, the ‘wealth curve’ appears relatively flat in the early years and then slowly builds momentum and the curve gets very steep in later years.  The consistent application of some small dollar amount placed in a savings or investment portfolio will put any one of us on the path to building a small fortune over time. The principle is that we need to stick with it, leave the money alone, and let the interest grow.

Guiding our thoughts, decisions, and actions by the principle of compounding in other areas of our lives can help to build and strengthen our character.

In Relationships:

There are probably many things we can do to improve the relationships of those closest to us.  There are countless books and blogs out there to help all of us.  Applying the principle of compounding by making a decision to do something small and consistent over time will help.  For example, we could just focus on being a better listener.  When we feel like immediately jumping in with a comment or correction, if, just once a day, we held back and focused on listening with the intent to understand the other person, we would be on a better path to building strong relationships with those that matter most.  Just changing our behavior once a day in conversations will build momentum in our relationships and the compounding interest curve will continue to rise with the eventual outcome being healthier relationships.

In Health and Wellness:

We all have struggles with some aspect of staying physically healthy.  For some it is overeating, others it is getting little to no exercise, for still others a lack of sleep can contribute to health problems.  There are plenty of resources out there to help us get on the right path to improving our health.  With the principle of compounding, find one small, relevant step we can do and stick with it.  Perhaps leaving a few bites of dessert behind is a potential step to take or drinking one less can of soda throughout the day.  For others it may be walking one more lap around the block or maybe 5 more minutes of some cardio-workout.  The point is that whatever the choice, making one small change, consistently over time, will pay tremendous interest over time with regards to our health and wellness.  There is a great deal of academic research and practical experience to dispute the lasting impact of any extreme fad diet or exercise regimen.  However, the consistent application of small incrementally positive steps toward improving our health will make a lasting impact.

In Personal Development:

We all have areas we need to improve professionally and personally.  Perhaps attending some high energy seminar will kick us in gear to take the first step.  However, it will be small incremental changes that will bring about lasting change.  For example, reading books relevant to our chosen profession for 15 minutes a day or keeping a daily journal of progress toward some goal are small steps, that over time, have proven to produce huge dividends in personal growth and accomplishment.   These actions start small, build over time, and gain momentum to have a positive sustainable impact.

Remember the compounding of interest…just keep making steady, small, consistent steps in the right direction and the results will be tremendous over the long haul.  The curve will be relatively flat at first, but it will get steeper over time.  It is how we finish, not the “dash and flash” at the start, that really matters.  As we continue to apply the principle of compounding in other areas of our life, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity® for us to make a real difference in our world.

 

As we continue on our journey of building and strengthening our character, I wanted to address the topic of intention.  Intention simply refers to the course of action that an individual decides or proposes to follow.

Several months ago, I had a very ‘out of the ordinary’ experience in that I was chaperoning a group of middle school musicians (one being my son) to Chicago to visit a world-renown, music school and conduct a band practice with a very famous music teacher…and eat a ton of deep dish Chicago pizza.  The chaperones were allowed to sit in the back of the room and observe the instruction.  The last time I met a music instructor was in my third grade band class when I attempted to play the trumpet, so I was very interested to see how things may have changed over the years.  The music teacher gave some great music lessons and buried in his instruction were some valuable life lessons.

As one would expect, the group of young jazz musicians made a few mistakes throughout the day and the teacher provided some encouraging words to keep them on track.  However, when it appeared that the kids were drifting a bit and became a little careless in their practice, the teacher shut things down and gave what amounted to an amazing half-time locker room speech that would have made Vince Lombardi proud.

He spoke about the importance of intention when hitting a note.  Just going through the motions would result in many off key notes being played.  If they are not going to strike a note with intention, they might as well not even hit it.  In addition, he did acknowledge that they will still make mistakes in playing.  Sometimes they would play an off key at the start or they may wander in the middle of the selection, but “you live with your finish,” so be intentional about finishing strong.  Always focus on a strong finish as you will have no more notes to play at the end.  His rallying cry worked and the still tired and hungry jazz band ended up sounding like a group of professionals.

Beyond playing effectively in a middle school jazz band, I think there are two takeaways from the instructor’s pep-talk that are insightful for us to consider on our journey to build and strengthen our character.

#1:  We must live with intention 

Our homes, our businesses, and our world continue to grow in complexity, intensity, and uncertainty.  We can’t afford to just “wing it” and go through the motions.  If we think we can build a solid 30-40 year career in a job just by showing up, we are living in a fantasy.  We need to be intentional about how we add value today and what additional skills we may need to acquire in order to stay ahead of being commoditized in a global economy where someone will always be able to do our job faster and cheaper.  Regardless of industry, we all are only a few years away from being “outsourced” or “downsized” unless we become intentional about staying ahead on additional training, skill development, job experiences, etc.

In our homes, we are all facing the reality that as our world gets more connected with things like the internet and social media, we run the risk of enabling those tools to get us disconnected within our own families if we just “wing it.”  Just look at the average family driving in a car or sitting at a restaurant.  Just about everyone has their own screen in front of them connecting with the rest of the world only picking up their heads to announce their order to the waiter.  There are six of us in our family, we all have smart phones, and we all battle this reality pretty regularly.  If we move forward without intentionally getting involved in the lives of those closest to us, we run a greater risk than just a temporary shutdown of internet service.

#2:  We should focus on moving forward in order to finish strong 

We all have a story or two about our past.  Some may be good and some may be bad.  Our past should not define us; it is just what got us started.  Often, we unfortunately spend a great deal of energy “grinding” over our past.  It is our responsibility to learn from it and focus on moving forward to finish strong.  We are each responsible for writing the rest of our story with an intention on finishing strong.  It does not matter whether we are 30, 60, or 90 years old, we can move forward with the intention of finishing strong as we will never know when our last note will be played.

If we make the choice to live with intention and avoid the seemingly easier path of just “winging it” in the short run, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity® for us to finish strong in the areas of our life that matter most.

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”  “You are out of touch with today.”

At any family gathering throughout the years, we have all probably heard these phrases on more than one occasion.  Typically, as individuals get set in their ways, either in a job or in their home life, the phrase, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is said to address a personal short-coming or to rationalize another person’s response to something new and different. The normal dialogue back and forth between generations typically results in someone in a younger generation responding to an older person, hopefully as respectfully as possible, with “you are out of touch with today.” 

Both statements are indicative of two areas that we need to address on our journey to build and strengthen our character:  (1) We must remain teachable throughout life in order to reach our full potential and (2) We need to remain open to learn from anyone by removing the self-imposed obstacle of prejudgment.

(1) Remain Teachable:

Our world continues to grow in complexity, intensity, and uncertainty.  The issues we face in many areas of our lives will not be effectively addressed with the techniques that worked a few decades or even a few years ago.  The pace of change in most of our markets is lightning fast and business leaders need to continue to seek improved solutions to add greater value in addressing more complex customer challenges.  In our homes, whether it is managing our finances, maintaining a strong marriage, or being a more effective parent, our environments are continually changing and we need to be open to new ideas to be more effective in our rapidly changing home front.  The principles of love, understanding, compassion, etc. are timeless and always relevant.  However, how we deliver on those principles needs to adjust with the changing environment.

We must make the choice to remain teachable and continuously learn in order to remain relevant to those around us.  Making that choice will help to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for better relationships.  Blaming someone else, or worse yet, in our own mind saying, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” will work to weaken our character and our relationships.

(2)Remain Open:

In addition to remaining teachable to stay relevant, we need to be open to learn from anyone.  Generationally speaking, the young should remain open to learn from the wisdom of the old and the old should remain open to learn from the new ideas and energy of the young.  In addition, diversity of experiences, backgrounds, gender, race, etc. provide potentially valuable insights to practice an openness to learn.  However, many times we prejudge the potential teacher with our own thoughts of: “What can I learn from him? He has never worked in my industry?” or “She does not have a degree in this particular field, what could she possibly teach me?” or “He is an old man, there is no way he can relate to what I am dealing with?” or “He is only a teenager, what could he share that would change what we already know?”

Diversity provides a great foundation for learning.  Many times we prejudge diversity of thought or expression to close the door to learning from others.  Making the choice to remain open and willing to learn from others who may appear ‘different’ than us will help to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for our own personal growth. Prejudging people because they are ‘different’ or allowing ourselves to fall into ‘group-think’ that quiets their voice, will work to weaken our character and hinder us from reaching our full potential.

Remaining teachable and open to learn from others will help us to be more effective in our lives.  The outcome of our efforts may be small and appear insignificant, while others may enable us to reach a huge opportunity or avoid a major tragedy. 

Elie Wiesel, the winner of the Nobel Peace prize, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and many other distinguished honors, chronicled his journey from his hometown of Sighet, in Hungarian Transylvania, to the Nazi concentration camps in his book, Night, and provides a vivid reminder of the importance to remain open to learn from anyone. 

In the beginning of his story, Wiesel is a Jewish teenager and studies the Torah and the Kabbalah under a teacher the town calls Moishe the Beadle.  Moishe was somewhat of a jack-of-all-trades in the Hasidic house of prayer in the town. He was quiet, poor, and mostly overlooked by the townspeople.  Elie’s instruction was cut short when Moishe was deported by the Hungarian police as they began rounding up the Jewish religious leaders in 1941. 

After almost a year, Moishe returns to the village and begins to warn everyone about the future plans of the Nazis.  He told them about his experience when he was deported and how the Gestapo beat them, put them into forced labor camps, and began torturing and killing them.  Moishe had been shot in the leg and left for dead, but he managed to escape and return to his village.  Moishe continued to warn everyone in the village through the years 1942 and into 1943.  However, the people dismissed him as a bit out of touch with the times and as a deeply religious person, they dismissed his revelation as a bit over the top and beyond reason.  Then, one day, the town is seized by the Nazis and every individual in the village boards a train for the death camps to the north.  Elie Wiesel lost his entire family and most of his fellow villagers at the end of that train ride.   

Elie Wiesel, in this harrowing account of his experience, reminds us of the need to remain teachable and to remain open to learn from anyone, not just those who look and act like us, are from our generation, or share a similar set of life experiences.  If we make the choice to remain teachable and open, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a greater impact in our life’s journey.

I received some comments on a recent topic about defining character and the process to build and strengthen character.  In one of my earliest blogs, I attempted to outline some aspects of character and I want to use today’s blog to dig a little deeper on the topic.

There are a number of ways individuals and organizations define character.  The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes character as “the way someone thinks, feels and behaves.”  At Harvest Time Partners, we describe character as the ‘inner voice’ or ‘compass’ that guides our thoughts, decisions, and actions.  We build and strengthen our character when our ‘inner voice’ is anchored on principles like honesty, courage, compassion, and commitment.  These principles are timeless, universal, and self-evident.  From very early in our development and continuing throughout our lives, our character is built and continually strengthened as principles guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions,.

The reverse is also true.  When our ‘inner voice’ is anchored in pride, selfishness, cheating, and lying, our character is weakened and with repetition becomes corrupt.

The process of building and strengthening our character is no different than the process of building and strengthening our physical health.  There is pain, discomfort, and struggle in the process of building strength and endurance.  Muscles breakdown through exercise, we feel sore, and overtime, muscles grow stronger by new tissue being grown in the recovery process. 

Our ‘inner voice’ that defines our character responds just like our bodies.  When I was a cadet at West Point, we were constantly instructed to make decisions by “doing the harder right, rather than the easier wrong.”  That was very clear direction on how to build and strengthen our character with an understanding that there would be pain, discomfort, and struggle in making some of those decisions.  As we do more of the “harder right”, we get stronger and we are able to more effectively handle difficult, complex situations in life just like our muscles are able to effectively handle more strenuous activity. 

Again, the reverse is true.  If we don’t push ourselves physically, we become weaker and create more problems as we age.  As we continue to make decisions to do the “easier wrong” we weaken our character and at some point, we lose all discernment about truth and right or wrong. 

There are two realities that we can’t escape regardless of our choice to do ‘the harder right’ or ‘the easier wrong’:

(1) The Law of the Harvest, simply put, we reap what we sow is a natural law that holds true in describing outcomes with respect to the development of our character.  Building and strengthening our character with principle-based thoughts, decisions, and actions, will more often than not, enable us to reap an abundant harvest in our lives.  Weakening our character with thoughts, decisions, and actions guided by lies, selfishness, and pride, will more often than not, position us to reap a very poor harvest in our lives.

(2) The Power of Example.  The example we set will have a direct impact on those around us. There is nothing more influential on the lives closest to us than the power of our quiet, consistent example.  If we set an example of loyalty, honesty, and respect in our lives, our families and our coworkers will more times than not, follow that example.  If we lie, cheat, and steal, more times than not, our families and our coworkers will make those same choices, or at the very least, tolerate that behavior in others.  In Judeo-Christian teaching, scripture describes that the actions of parents are felt down to the third and fourth generations.  I am sure if we all looked honestly into the ‘inner voice’ that drives our thoughts, decisions, and actions, we can see our parents and grandparents.  Likewise, in the workplace, we see how the culture of an organization is reinforced by the actions of its leaders and even through transitions, promotions, and acquisitions it is very difficult to change the culture of organization as the power of prior example is tough to overcome.  

We are all on this critically important journey to build and strengthen our character.  There is no “EZ-PASS” lane and no finish line.  Regardless of our ‘inner voice’ that drove past thoughts, decisions, and actions, we should all feel a sense of hope that we can begin today to anchor our ‘inner voice’ on principles to help build and strengthen our character.  In return for our efforts, the Law of the Harvest and the power of our example should give us encouragement to keep moving forward and ensure we have a more positive impact on our life’s journey.

Our Character Creates Opportunity® for us to improve the bonds in our home, our workplace, and our community.

When discussing topics around the importance of character, I often hear phrases like, “people just need to do the right thing” or “it is pretty basic, just like the things we learned as young kids in school.” In many ways, how we build and strengthen our character is pretty straight-forward.    

The vast majority of people would agree that our homes and our world would be in better shape if we lived our lives with integrity, took more personal responsibility, removed bitterness and resentment from our thoughts, focused on serving more than being served etc.  In addition, people finding a career path that truly taps into their strengths and fuels their passions is the most effective way to have a lasting, positive impact in the workplace.  Organizations, filled with people who are personally and professionally aligned with the vision and culture of the organization, tend to outperform their dysfunctional peers by a wide margin.

Given the above understanding, the key question I want to address today is then, “why don’t we do it?” 

When I reflect on some of the choices that I have made over the years, both in the home and the workplace, and when I have spoken to many individuals about some of the choices they have made, there seems to be a common theme.  When you are able to cut through all the justification language, the well-articulated rationale for a certain choice, the defensiveness around a decision, etc. more times than not, we are left with some form of fear, often buried beneath insecurity, that is the force that holds us back from making the most effective choices.

When we need to have that difficult conversation about an important issue that is hindering the growth of our most precious relationships, we often allow the fear that we don’t have what it takes or the fear of a potential “bad” outcome that holds us back from moving forward.  Our mind is filled with thoughts like:   

• “The last 10 times I tried to have this conversation, it ended up really bad, so just forget it.”
• “He / she always twists my words around and I can’t think fast enough to respond.”
• “As soon as he / she rolls those eyes at me, I just lose it.”

In the workplace, when we need to have those challenging conversations with a boss, a coworker or an employee, we often allow fear to hold us back with thoughts like:

• “If I raise this issue with him, I know it will be the death nail to my career with the company.”
• “He gets so defensive when I talk about working as a team.  Forget it…I will just do it myself.”
• “The last time I saw someone challenge the boss’ opinion, they were ‘ripped apart’ so forget about speaking up.  I will just deal with it.”

In making major career choices such as remaining in a current position, seeking a new position, leaving one company for another, or making a complete career change, we often allow fear to hold us back with thoughts like:

• “I don’t know if I can handle that kind of responsibility.  I will just stick with what I have done in the past.”
• “If I don’t seek assignments with more responsibility, “they” may think I am not as “hungry” or committed as others and I will be on the chopping block when times get tough.
• “I really feel energized when I think about moving into this new career, but what if I fail?”

Deep down, the truth behind many of our decisions not to “do the right thing” is because of fear. 

Fear has its place in our lives.  In some short term situations like walking at night in a bad part of town, a little fear is good to keep us on high alert.  Having a little fear when the doctor says we need to eat better and exercise more maybe just what we need to get motivated.  Just before we make the decision to buy that new car, take that big vacation, or financially “stretch” into a larger home, a little fear is good to ensure we understand all the potential outcomes before spending the money. 

However, in the context of strengthening relationships and pursuing a life of positive impact, it is not healthy to have fear be the driving force behind our thoughts, decisions, and actions.  We should put fear in its place as we stand on the strength of character with timeless, universal principles like courage, discernment, and discretion in order to make the choice to do the right thing.  Have that difficult conversation, put the issue on the table at work, and pursue that career choice that you find most fulfilling.

There is one very practical step that I have learned to use to help ensure I am not letting fear have an unhealthy impact on the choices that I make both personally and professionally.  As I think through the potential positive and negative outcomes of a particular decision, I simply ask myself one additional question; “If I was not afraid, what would I do?”  

In the end, addressing this basic question helps me acknowledge the reality that somewhere in the mix of major decisions there is always a little fear and it opens the door for me to be brutally honest with myself as I work through making the decision.  Just raising that question usually gets me to look in the mirror, stop kidding myself, and move forward with doing the right thing.  However, there are times when answering that question still does not get me to move forward in the right direction.  In those times, at least it allows me to be honest with myself about the real reason for not doing the right thing.    

I would encourage you to ask yourself that one additional question when working through the important decisions in life.  

Fear has its place in our lives. As we guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions by principles such as courage, loyalty, and commitment, we build and strengthen our character and we help to minimize the negative impact of fear in our lives.  Our Character Creates Opportunity® to strengthen relationships and have a positive impact in our life’s journey.

As we just finished the first full week of the New Year, historical data would suggest that 25% of us have abandoned our new year’s resolution goals and by the end of the month, that rate could go as high as 50%.  Be a trend breaker this year and continue to make progress towards your goals!  As we continue our journey to build and strengthen our character, we need to discuss a topic similar to setting and achieving goals and that is reaching our potential in a world that tries to simply drive us towards comparisons.

There is a great deal of measurement and assessment in schools, sports, the workplace, and our homes that is necessary to establish benchmarks and standards to provide a sense of order and guidance to all those involved.  Many times, these important measurements and assessments drive the unintended consequence that our “relative ranking” to others also becomes a measure of our own self-worth.

Healthy competition and the assessment of that competition is a good thing to help us reach our full potential.  However, we have to be disciplined and self-aware around our own personal interpretation of the measurement to ensure that it remains a simple assessment of fact, and not a definition of our true self-worth.  In addition, in our roles as parents and mentors, we need to be especially proactive in ensuring our children don’t fall into the trap of identifying their self-worth by their class rank, their time in the 40 yard dash, or the colleges they do or do not get into.

The “keeping up with the Jones” mindset is the adult manifestation of finding our self-worth in a measurement of what I have relative to others.  Spending a great deal of energy thinking about how our bank account, salary, career progress, accomplishments of our kids, state of our marriage, etc. stack-up to others can all be adult manifestations of finding our self-worth relative to others.

In terms of determining our self-worth, I like to remind myself of John Wooden’s definition of success:  “Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”  The legendary basketball player and coach was in essence, saying, you find peace when you give it all you have to reach your full potential, regardless of what those around you achieve or don’t achieve.

Our greatest challenge in life is to reach our potential.  It is not winning a certain championship, reaching the corner office, solving some major problem in the world, or getting our kids prepared for life. Our greatest challenge in life is to reach our potential.  In a similar concept to the note above and Coach Wooden’s definition, Judeo-Christian teaching defines sin as not just some transgression against a rule or standard of living that breaks our connection to God and peace in our lives, sin is just simply falling short of the mark that God has on our lives…in essence, not reaching our God-given potential.

In striving to reach our potential, there are just a few points that I would like to reinforce:

1. Reaching our potential has nothing to do with our relative ranking vs others.  Our relative ranking may help us get motivated, but reaching our potential has to do with us doing our very best to becoming the best that we can be.
2. Understanding our potential in all areas of our lives, both at work and at home, requires self-reflection, honest assessment, prayer, and wisdom that comes over time. 
3. We will find a sense of peace, like Coach Wooden described, if we can consistently give our best effort in our journey of trying to reach our potential.  

When we spend time and effort on determining what our true potential really is, I am reminded of my old high school pole vaulting coach who used to say to me every time before I would jump, “Espo, the sky is the limit!” 

It has been my experience in working with individuals and teams over the years that we all have a great deal more potential in our roles at work and at home than any of us thinks we do.  If each of us can “raise the bar” on our thinking about our true potential, we will make steady progress on building and strengthening our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our potential.

 

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, an important dimension to address is empathy.  Empathy is literally our ability to recognize or “feel” the feelings and emotions of others.  Strengthening an emotional connection to others through empathy is critical as it builds our skills of understanding and it is through understanding that we learn to appreciate different perspectives and begin to value the unique strengths that individuals bring to our world.

Some of the very basic ways to build and strengthen our ability to empathize with others is through effective listening and focusing our attention on the other person.  In most conversations, we have a tendency to believe in the perceived importance of our response and spend our energy thinking about what to say very quickly after hearing the first few words out of someone’s mouth.  We mentally hustle through a set of assumptions, personal experiences, etc. after hearing someone’s initial comments and we miss a critical opportunity to listen and focus which will enable our ability to empathize more effectively.

We have to exercise a fair amount of discipline to listen first and speak later as much of our experience in school, the workplace, and the home front demonstrates an importance of being quick with a response.  The effective listeners in meetings, in the classroom, and in the home have a tendency to be steam-rolled by a quick and perhaps loud individual.  In addition, as we all participate in today’s “online chatter” via text, email, and various social media, it is important to understand that studies have shown these forms of communication decrease empathy in children and adults.  Wise business leaders, teachers, and family members work hard to draw out the “listeners” as they help us all see a deeper understanding that many times will help to advance the cause of the team or more effectively complete the task at hand.

There is a significant, additional benefit of building our empathy through effective listening and focus that is sometimes missed in discussions on the importance of listening to others.  As we strengthen an emotional connection to others through empathy, our efforts are usually rewarded by the other person feeling compelled to reciprocate in focusing their efforts on listening to us.  This cycle of reciprocation of listening helps to create a more caring and understanding environment which is critical to solving our biggest challenges in the workplace and in the home.

If each of us can take some incremental steps towards improving our ability to empathize with others through effective listening and focus, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for improved relationships in the workplace and in the home.

What techniques have helped you to become a better listener?   Please share a comment below