We are all familiar with the adage that “Hindsight is 20:20.”  With the benefit of looking back, many times we can see mistakes more clearly and we can assess weaknesses. The adage is rarely used in the context of looking back upon brilliant decisions that brought about great results.  Psychologists use various terms to describe the process: Hindsight bias, the knew-it-all-along effect, and creeping determinism are just a few.

Let’s face it, we all have made and we will continue to make a few mistakes along our way.

Given we all have influence on those around us in the many roles we play whether they are in the home, the workplace, and the community, we need more effective ways to discuss mistakes and move beyond the hard-wired tendency to use hindsight as a sledgehammer to pound home the lessons brought on by mistakes and less than satisfactory outcomes.

As we build and strengthen our character, we have an opportunity to use the benefit of hindsight to positively influence another individual to make more effective decisions as they continue the journey.

The typical conversation flow from the clarity of 20:20 hindsight is to sledgehammer mistakes made with comments like “I told you so” or “If you had listened to me in the first place” or “What were you thinking?” These comments have been shown to have very little positive impact on improving decision making and are detrimental to maintaining open communication with those we care about most.

Below are a few ways to more effectively use the benefits of hindsight and avoid using the Sledgehammer of Hindsight on those we care about most:

• Understand the thought process: Don’t start the discussion highlighting the outcome as that is the obvious part of the equation. Instead, start a discussion to better understand what the facts were at the time when initial decisions were made.  “What did you know to be true at the beginning?” Understanding an individual’s thought process around known facts is as area of great opportunity to grow and develop.  Many times it is fears, anxieties, and past mistakes that cloud our ability to objectively assess today’s facts and make effective decisions.
• Assess the commitment. Once a decision was made, addressing the commitment demonstrated to carry out the decision is another area of great insight to help someone reach their full potential.  Once the facts are gathered and a decision is made, it is the personal commitment to carry out the decision that most often determines the outcome.  The half-hearted commitment is a potential drag on all of us throughout life.  

Avoiding the Sledgehammer of Hindsight in discussing mistakes with those we care about most will demonstrate empathy and support improved decision making in the future.  In addition, we stand a better chance of keeping lines of communication open which are so often shut down in our homes with those we care about most.   

As we use the benefits of hindsight to positively impact those around us, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build long lasting health in our relationships.

I think Tom Petty was right when he sang, “The waiting is the hardest part.”

There is excitement at the start of any major endeavor.  Whether it is a new job, the start of a relationship, the preseason for an athlete, or the “black Friday” kick off of the holiday shopping season, there is always a great deal of excitement in the beginning.

Then there comes the unspectacular, slow-moving grind between a great start and the exciting finish and the accomplishment of the goal.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, the perspective we bring to the waiting period can make all the difference to the eventual outcome we are seeking.

It has often been said about athletic competition that the success achieved during the season is a direct result of the hard work and effort put in during the “off season” when there are no fans cheering and there is just the quiet of practice.

In pursuit of any academic endeavor, there is excitement at the start of the program and on graduation day, but in between is filled with the long, slow grind of the learning process.

Many close relationships have the excitement and “fireworks” at the start of the connection only to be replaced with the often unspectacular day to day plugging along of building a life together.

In the raising of children, parents work to do their best to build a strong foundation and prepare children to stand on their own in the world, then there is the waiting to see if they can actually do it.

The waiting period for life’s major events may seem like a long, slow grind with nothing happening, but in reality, this is the process of refinement.  Similar to the refinement process of removing impurities from the smelting of gold and silver, the waiting period is part of our own personal refinement to ensure the purity of our intent.

In the journey to build heath in a close relationship, it is the refinement of “me” not “you” that strengthens the relationship.  The refinement process removes the impurities of selfishness, stubbornness, and apathy to bring out the purity of love and sacrifice to make a close relationship work over the long term.

The preseason for an athlete is when the refinement process begins to shape and strengthen the mind and body to sustain health through the long, arduous season.

The process to achieve an advanced education takes time.  The waiting period between that exciting start and graduation day will remove the impurities of shallow motives and half-hearted effort only to reveal the purity of commitment and the quest for learning and growth.   

As we all will encounter the waiting in our journey towards the accomplishment of life’s goals, here are few thoughts to continue in the journey:

• There are no overnight successes. We do ourselves a favor by eliminating that dream and replacing it with the reality that anything worth something is going to take time and effort to achieve…even “love at first sight” takes effort over the long haul to make it last.
• Purification happens during the waiting and purification is essential to achieving a worthy goal. Time spent moving towards a goal takes effort and that effort removes a great deal of impurities to ensure what emerges is the purity of commitment and focus.
• The learning and growing that occurs in the waiting period is what will build our strength to set the bar even higher after we complete the current goal we are facing.

As we gain perspective on the value of the waiting period and even though it is still “the hardest part,” we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build great relationships and reach our full potential.

There is no denying that we live in a fast paced world.  Information about world events travels in an instant, products and companies in the marketplace are seemingly disrupted overnight by innovation from all corners of the world, and schedules in our home and communities seem jammed to capacity that planning a meal with friends takes on the complexity of planning a massive military operation.

In this busy world of ours, many times we do need to figure out how to keep pace just as a matter of survival.  Ask someone in the taxi business how their life has changed since UBER came to town. Ask someone in the music business how their life has changed since the days of NAPSTER, YOUTUBE and streaming music.  Just mention Amazon.com and most traditional businesses (not just bookstores), start to get anxious.

These events are not just “business” events.  These massive, rapid shifts in the marketplace impact homes, families and communities.  It is important that we all figure out how to keep pace with our rapidly changing world just to ensure we can provide the basics for those closest to us.

However, even in our fast pace world, there is the need for pause and reflection.  As a matter of fact, our intentional effort towards making time to reflect on the things that matter most, is even more critical in a fast paced world.  As we continue to build and strengthen our character, the power of reflection will provide opportunity to more effectively navigate a world that is moving at light-speed.

“The unexamined life is not worth living” Socrates

Whether we describe it as prayer, meditation, quite time, or whatever, the need to make time to consistently reflect on our lives, the relationships we are building, the choices we are making and the direction we are headed is critical to reaching our full potential.

In the busyness of this world, without reflection, we run the risk of heading full steam over the proverbial cliff, climbing the wrong mountain, or unknowingly dismissing those close relationships that we will most certainly regret at some critical moment in the future.

Here are a few thoughts on leveraging the power of reflection to reach our full potential:

1. Be intentional and make a plan. Nothing worthwhile ever gets done when we just “wing it.”  Sustaining a plan for reflection takes some personal initiative.
2. Be specific and consistent on a time. Some of us are early morning people, some are night owls, and some can tune out the noise in the middle of a busy day to find some time.  Just like the research tells us that great, healthy sleep patterns are found with a consistent bedtime and wake-up time, the same is true for strengthening the power of reflection.  Find a time that works and stick with it.
3. Be focused on the big picture. In reflective moments, try to move from the day to day issues to the longer term big picture thoughts of relationships, areas of service and legacy building.  Reflecting on these items has been shown to build hope even when facing very difficult circumstances in the present.
4. Be prepared to take a few notes. Jotting down a few thoughts and ideas has been demonstrated to be an effective first step in achieving our hopes and dreams in the important areas of our lives.   

As we become intentional on finding some time to reflect away from the busy lives we all lead, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

There was a recruiting campaign that the US Army developed in the 1980s called “Be All You Can Be.”  Even though the US Army has launched several effective themes since (“Army of One” and “Army Strong”), the “Be All You Can Be” theme continues to resonate in popular culture as it speaks to reaching our individual potential.

When we genuinely care about making progress towards reaching our full potential in the important areas of life, there is always a struggle to keep moving forward.  Whether it is our own experiences, the thoughts and opinions of others, or the unfortunate “poor timing” of our last effort to make a change, we begin to question what we are doing and the probability of success in reaching our goals.

In the real and practical world, as opposed to sitting in the audience and listening to some pump-up motivational speech, there are a few unspoken questions that either become STOP signs to our progress or guardrails as we continue on our journey.  The unspoken questions are “What will they think?” and “What will I tell them?”

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we acknowledge these unspoken questions and deal with them in a way that does not impeded our progress in reaching our full potential…Not someone else’s view of our potential (fill in the blank…a boss, a spouse, a parent, a child, a key stakeholder) but our own personal view of our potential (the sky should be the limit, in case you have any doubts).

Here are a few considerations to effectively address these unspoken questions:

• Acknowledge that it is our own fear that is woven into these unspoken questions. Fear of failing, fear of what others will think, or fear of disappointing someone is often reflected in addressing these questions.  Fear is a reality that most of us face, but in the long run, it is not a healthy driver of our decisions on the journey to reach our full potential.
• Acknowledge that we do care about the answers to these unspoken questions. It is not an effective strategy to say we just don’t care about what others think. The reality is we do care.  The greatest desire after taking care of our basic necessities of life is that we all want to feel a connection with others and that we belong.  Thinking about the potential answers to these questions is interconnected to meeting our basic need to belong.
• Acknowledge that the choice is ours: STOP sign or guardrail. As opposed to letting these questions become STOP signs to making a necessary change in our life, we should leverage them to refine our thinking and clarify our intentions.  This step will help us strengthen the decision we are making and solidify our resolve to move forward with the change no matter what we face. 

One final consideration that falls into a slightly different category than the above points is for each of us to work hard at not pre-judging a potential response by someone close to us.  Just because they responded with “what, are you crazy?” the last 100 times we made a major decision to take action and change course, does not make it helpful to pre-judge their next response.  Just as we hope to learn and grow, we should give the benefit of the doubt to those closest to us that they have the potential to learn and grow to become an encourager as opposed to an impediment to our efforts to reach our full potential.

As we learn to more effectively address these unspoken questions, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and reach our hopes and dreams.

This seems to be the season of bold, confident plans and predictions.  In the current political campaigns, we certainly see confidence displayed in plans and the direction of a particular candidate.  In the global economy, we see a series of confident predictions of innovations that will change our lives and also the dire predictions of the burden of debt that will drag the economy into a recession.  We seem to be in a public environment that thrives on boldness and confidence. 

These demonstrations of bravado may work well on the TV screen to drive top ratings. However, there is a missing ingredient to this public posturing.  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, we don’t want to miss an important element that is absent in these public forums.  The missing ingredient is authenticity:  The courage to display a real and genuine sense to admit that things rarely turn out according to our well thought out plans.  There are always unexpected variables to encounter, bigger than planned obstacles, and changes in conditions we never thought would have happened.  

Living an authentic life, combined with a commitment to stay the course in pursuit of our goals, is an effective combination as we continue on our journey to reach our full potential.   

Authentic personalities are hard to find on the TV screen, in the newspapers, or on the internet.  However, authenticity is a critical element to provide the foundation for long term health in our most important personal relationships.

Here are a few suggestions on building authenticity in our relationships that matter most:

• Share not just victories, but also defeats. There is a natural bias for people to tune-out the conversation when it revolves around how great we are, but there is a natural interest to listen when we open up about times we fell short. There is a great deal of learning that can be shared when we describe the tough times of life.
• Face the reality that we are not perfect. Hint:  Others know that truth, so we should be ok with admitting it ourselves.  Perfection is an unattainable goal. 
• Demonstrate an unwavering commitment to stay the course in the direction of our purpose. This demonstrated commitment despite the ups and downs and our imperfections will be an example for others to follow. Authenticity combined with commitment is an effective combination for life.

We all play a series of roles in life.  Whether those roles are in the workplace, the home front, the community, or other areas of service, being real and genuine will help us reach our potential in the important relationships connected to these roles.      

Striving to live the authentic life with those closest to us is worth the effort and brings about a number of positive outcomes:

1. We prepare others for the reality of life. There are ups and downs and many failures along the way to reaching out goals.  Preparation for that reality helps minimize the time people may stay “down” when the tough times hit, and the tough times will hit.
2. Authenticity is contagious with those closest to us. When we display the courage to “be real” in our close relationships, we encourage others to take the same step.  Our efforts will help to minimize the amount of “masking” of pain and anxiety that is so prevalent in our world today.  The US Preventive Services Task Force recently recommended that every adult should be screened for depression as part of an annual check-up with their physician.  They did not come to this recommendation lightly, but there was an overwhelming amount of evidence that people are hurting and working hard to conceal the pain.  Being authentic with those we care about most may encourage them to open up and seek help rather than facing a struggle alone.
3. In times of trouble, people return to those they believe can relate to their situation. Being willing to share openly the pain and the joys of a full life with our relationships that matter most will help to remind others that our door is always open to help with an ear to listen and experience to relate to the struggles of life.

As we become intentional about living an authentic life combined with a steadfast commitment to keep moving forward in our journey, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

The statisticians would tell us that after three weeks into the New Year, most of us begin to see those New Year’s resolution fade away and become lost and forgotten.  It is not so much that we already reached success or failure, but we basically just stopped caring and moved on.

Measuring success or failure in any endeavor is important.  However, as we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, a real concern is to address apathy when it creeps into our family, our personal and professional growth and our community…when we just don’t care anymore and don’t get engaged, set goals or get after achieving them. 

The real concern in life is not that we fell short of our goals or faced repeated failure in our attempts to achieve.  The real concern is that we just “checked out” in the major areas of life and just stopped caring.

Apathy rears its ugly head in a number of ways and in a variety of dimensions in our lives:

• “I am just burned out” maybe the way apathy appears from a career perspective. We get tired of the bureaucracy and red tape of an organization and we just grin and bear it until retirement or something better comes along.  It can also appear in the entrepreneur world when we just grow numb to the concerns of cash flow and bankruptcy risk.
• “I am just tired of being miserable and unhappy” maybe the way apathy appears in our closest relationships. “You are now on your own to learn the hard way” maybe the way apathy appears in dealing with a rebellious child.
• “It is beyond repair” maybe the way apathy appears in the challenges we face in our communities. When the challenges become so daunting because of the complexity created by the break-down of the family, generational poverty, lack of positive role models, ineffective public and private interventions, that we just check out with the general loss of hope because of the enormity of the problem.

Throughout our journey of life, we will all face moments when apathy enters our mindset.  Here are a few considerations to address the challenge:

1. Recognize it. Be attune to our own thoughts and perceptions to when we sense ourselves slipping into “I just don’t care anymore.”
2. Place a reality check on hopes and dreams. Being on the brink of “I just don’t care anymore” forces us to ask the big questions in life like purpose, goals, and what really matters. It gives us a chance to gain perspective on our own desires, clarifies needs vs. wants, and helps prioritize what is really important that we need to commit to doing.   
3. Take small steps in the direction we need to go with the perspective that the real meaningful and important things in life are achieved on a long, slow journey. Close relationships and service to a cause greater than our own is never captured in a get rich quick scheme.  

Our character, that internal voice that guides our thoughts, decisions, and actions can be a strong defense against apathy.  As we guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions by principles like perseverance, compassion, understanding, and commitment, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to continue on the journey to reach our full potential.

 

Well, I guess we did not win the lottery last night.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans did not come together like we had hoped.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans to retire after 30 years with the company ended at year 15 with a downsizing exercise.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our dream of a quiet neighborhood ended when the neighbor’s grandson got the house.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plan for “happily ever after” is not looking so good.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans for a care-free retirement ended when the kids moved back in.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans to hand down a great family business ended when the “supercenter” came to town.  Now what do we do?

The reality of our day to day lives is that many things don’t come together according to plan.  To pull from the wisdom of Ben Franklin, it is really only death and taxes that we can count on.

Resilience is a character trait defined as the ability to bounce back after a set-back.  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, building resilience into our personal skill-set would be a most valuable endeavor to reach our full potential.

How do we handle a set-back?  Do we take our ball and go home, fold up our tents and walk away, or do we pick ourselves up, adjust our plans with the new set of information and get back after the goal?

Here are a few things to consider in helping to build and strengthen our resilience:

1. We are not the only one whose plans fell off the rails and we encountered a near term failure. Even the sharped dressed man or woman who sounds so smart, hits rock bottom every once in a while.
2. Work hard to remain humble when things seem to be going great. Humility will help soften the blow when a set-back comes our way.
3. It is ok to acknowledge the pain. We should all work to build our tolerance for pain and discomfort, but it is ok to admit a major set-back in an important area of life really hurts.
4. We set a helpful example to those we care about most when we demonstrate the ability to bounce back after a set-back. Set the example…It may be the most important life-skill we can teach those closest to us.

Our world continues to grow in complexity and uncertainty and as we continue to develop our resilience in dealing with the inevitable set-backs, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

 

 

We all like a good race.  Whether it is the 100 meter dash, the NYC Marathon, the Kentucky Derby, or a NASCAR race.  It is exciting to see the race and how participants crossed the finish line.  There is a clear start and a clear finish.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we acknowledge the truth that there is no finish line concerning the important things in life like family, work, finances, and areas of service.  Even in death, our legacy carries on to impact those left behind.  We have to be careful to avoid the illusion of a finish line to our efforts.

There is the risk that we allow ourselves to establish some phantom finish lines that will determine our mindset and our effort.  We have probably all found ourselves at one time or another saying something like:

• When I reach a certain income level, then I can get ahead of the bills and things will be ok
• When the kids get out of diapers, then we will have some time and energy and things we be ok
• When I get through this busy season, then I will have some time to re-connect with my spouse and our relationship will be ok
• When I lose these 10 pounds, then I will feel better and things will be ok
• When I reach a career milestone, then there won’t be as much stress and things will be ok
• When I get this degree completed, then I can get my life in order and things will be ok

It is healthy to establish goals/milestones along the way to assess our progress, but there is a clear difference between a milestone achievement and a finish line ending the race.

The reality is our journey through life is a lot like the business model of the software industry.  We launch with the 1.0 version.  We get out there in life, learn some things, see some new opportunities, and realize we didn’t plan for everything, so we make a few improvements and then launch the 2.0 version…then 3.0 and we know how the story continues.

The illusion is that the next version will be the lasting version and all we will need.  Life continues to present us with new opportunities to learn and grow.  On the journey to reach our full potential, there is no final version.  We will continue to build skills and grow in wisdom and perspective.

If we don’t learn and grow, we miss our opportunity to maximize our impact on those things we care about most.

As we make the choice to live fully in the moment with the humility to know we are never done learning and growing, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a positive impact on those closest to us and in service to causes bigger than ourselves.

We are all familiar with New Year’s resolutions.  As we prepare for a new year, there is a general trend of many of us to set new goals or make resolutions to achieve in the coming year.  The concept of setting goals, building a plan to achieve those goals and using the new year to help jump start the process is a healthy and often convenient one to initiate needed change in our lives.

Based on our personal experience and the data from some academics who study this kind of information, the data would reveal that the vast majority of us will abandon, or just plain forget, our goals quickly as we move into a new year.  Today’s writing is not about rallying around some collective motivation or new process to more effectively achieve our goals.  There is already plenty of information out there to help us all get a little more motivated to achieve our goals.

Today’s writing is about the importance of recognizing progress along the way in order to keep the momentum going.  The “world” (feel free to insert your own relevant term) judges or highlights the finish line.  Most often it will be us alone in the quiet of the journey that will be in a position to celebrate making progress in the right direction.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, a helpful discipline we alone can exercise is the personal “high five” we can give ourselves for making progress on the journey to reach our goals.

There will be a great deal written about the steps to achieving the common goals of losing weight, exercising, reading more or some professional career milestone.

However, the real need to celebrate making progress towards often our most challenging goals, which is rarely written or talked about, is in having a positive impact on those closet to us in our homes and families.  Acknowledging the small steps of progress we make in:

1. Breaking the cycle of a painful past to bring healing to an important relationship
2. Judging less and encouraging more
3. Experiencing the lasting joy of serving and giving instead of the short term pleasure of getting our way
4. Effectively confronting an important issue rather than avoiding it
5. Courageously acknowledging our fears and insecurities while minimizing our concern of judgement or shame

The “world” will celebrate the big achievements in business, politics, entertainment, etc.  As we choose to celebrate making progress in the home and with the ones closest to us, we will build the foundation to achieve great things in the marketplace, the community, and our world.

As we make the choice to personally celebrate the small steps of progress we make in close relationships, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to bring health into critical relationships in our home and with those closet to us.

As we continue to set goals for ourselves, do not forget that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” (Lao Tzu).  Congratulations, in advance, for the steps of progress you will make.

As our world continues to grow in complexity, uncertainty, and intensity we are often challenged with the reality that it is hard to keep pace with the changes and still make a positive impact.

One of the more efficient tools we employ to manage the complexity around us is by putting up a few filters on the things we see, read, and experience.  A current and practical example of using filters on how we deal with complexity is how we all navigate the internet.  Our smart phones, tablets, and computers are all preset to our favorite websites, we follow the people we like or agree with on social media, and we watch videos based on our own preferences.

Filtering certainly makes us more efficient.  With a world that is continually evolving, we risk taking a step back in our growth when we use too many convenient filters.  Over time, filters may become blinders as we are most often exposed to ideas and points of view that we already understand and agree with and we remove the real challenge of trying to fully understand another perspective.

Systematically and continually restricting ourselves with filters is certainly not a path to sustainable personal growth nor is it a path to understanding differences.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, expanding our perspective to see beyond our narrow filters will better equip all of us to make a positive impact in an ever-changing world around us.

Beyond the filters on our electronic devices, most likely, we hang out with people like us, we remain in our part of town, we consume points of view from the same sources on television, and we often miss the start of change around us because of our filters.

Complete unfiltered activity is not a healthy path either, so here are a few considerations to enhance our growth and expand our ability to understand:

1. Make an effort to listen to another generation. Listen with a genuine intent to understand, not change a person’s thinking.  Generational experience is foundational to our personal point of view.  Just take a quick review of someone who was a teenager and young adult in the 60s versus the 80s versus the 2000s to see some drastically different perspectives.
2. Occasionally gather information on current events from a different website or channel on television. This step does not mean we have to agree, it just means we are putting forth our own personal effort to understand. In a world that has become so polarized and filtered to the extremes, we risk expanding the wedge of difference rather than strengthening our efforts around things we hold in common.
3. Visit a different place beyond our routine. Whether it is a different coffee shop, restaurant, place of worship, part of town, or a different shopping mall. The experience will help us expand our perspective and understanding of our world that is not “just like us.”
4. During this holiday season, many of us will be visiting with family. As we enjoy the interactions, the food, and some good sporting events, intentionally reach out and listen to a family member that we may have previously “tuned out” because of a past difference. Our families will grow stronger with more understanding rather than more judgment.

We take a step towards personal growth when we intentionally remove a few filters in our life.  As we continue to grow our understanding instead of judgment, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a positive impact on those around us.