There seems to be no shortage of talkers in our world.  Traditional media, our school systems and our workplaces are all wired to recognize and reward the talkers.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character in a world that highlights the loud and proud, we don’t want to miss the power of listening to build healthy relationships, open dialogue with those who are hurting and establish the foundation to reach our hopes and dreams.

We all cherish the moment when we are truly being listened to and understood.

In his seminal book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie described listening skills as one of the key attributes to a life of positive impact.  There are plenty of “experts” who would described the importance of listening to others as a key ingredient to understand another person and through understanding, we can begin to build better relationships.  In addition, I am sure we have all experienced the occasional “aha” moment when we finally shut-up long enough to listen and gained some real insight into understanding another person and why they have a certain point of view or why they took a certain action.

Just recently, some exciting new research has been released that demonstrates the power of our brains to relate to one another when we truly listen.  Research out of Princeton being led by neuroscientist Uri Hasson went beyond traditional techniques of simply mapping activity in particular regions of the brain.  Dr. Hasson’s research used complex mathematical analyses to map patterns of activity in the brain.  The research added the dimension of measuring the relationship between the pattern in one person’s brain and the pattern in another’s.

The research team recorded the brain activity of one person’s brain while they told a story and another person’s brain who was listening.  The two brain patterns showed a remarkable degree of correlation. The storyteller had literally gotten in to the listener’s brain and altered it not only on the logic-reasoning parts of the brain, but most importantly, on the emotional part of the brain.  By focusing on listening, the listener was able to match the brain of the storyteller.  The listener felt the emotions of the storyteller.

The research demonstrated over and over that when you listen to and understand another person, you experience the exact same brain pattern as that person.  It is as if you have experienced their experience.  The research demonstrated that our brains know little difference between our own experience and one we shared by listening to another. Our brains are impacted the same way.  Listening to another person can provide real insight into another person’s journey and help us understand.

In addition to these types of research insights and the so-called “experts” in the field, here are just a few thoughts to reinforce the importance of listening to build healthy relationships:

1. Listening is the most simple and powerful way to demonstrate to someone that they matter. Our decision to listen meets a very important psychological need of all of us – to know we matter.  Listening does not take a PhD in psychology, an extremely high IQ, or some position in the corner office.  All it takes is a simple decision to be silent and give someone our attention.
2. As our world continues to grow more intense and complex, before we instinctively move to shout out our “brilliant opinion,” we should first choose to listen. As the research showed, when we listen, we actually feel the experience of the other person.  This is a relevant and practical choice for our home, our workplace, and our community.  As with many other things, the greatest challenge is often listening to those that are closest to us in our home.  We mistakenly think we know them well enough because we have lived with them for so long that we don’t need to listen.  In addition, we may have allowed the obstacles of anger, frustration, and apathy to prevent us from listening the other side of the story…and there is always another side to the story.
3. For most people, it is our painful experiences that have taught us the most and form the basis for many of the choices we make. However, we typically keep hidden those painful experiences from others.  Being a good listener can help build a trusting, non-judgmental, and shame-free atmosphere which can eventually open a door to the sharing of those painful experiences to assist in a greater understanding of one another.  Understanding is the foundation for health in our relationships.

Listening, with the intent to understand, is a well-documented and practical approach to improve relationships.  As we make the decision to listen, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build healthy and meaningful relationships.

Sooner or later, we all get the blues.  Part of the human experience is going through difficult circumstances and many times, feelings of sadness, loneliness, or grief is all part of the process.  Over time, we somehow move forward through the valley and keep moving along with our lives.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, working to build our resistance to the blues and accelerating our recovering out of our inevitable time with the blues will enhance our ability to reach our full potential and set a positive example for those around us.

We all have our weak points that can set us down the path into the blues.

• The pressure of personal finances and provision for those we care about most gets us down.
• The unmet expectations of our loved ones gets us down.
• The frustrations of feeling trapped in the workplace or an unfulfilled career path gets us down.
• The reflection on mistakes and regrets gets us down.
• The journey through an unexpected illness or health crisis gets us down.

The journey of life has an unfortunate habit of showing our weak points from time to time.

We have a unique, personal pattern of what our outward expression to the world is when we are dealing with the blues.  Some of us get moody, others get quiet, some get downright mean, and others simply withdraw completely.  If you are unsure of your personal pattern, just ask someone in your home and I am sure they will be more than willing to tell you.

There are a few practical steps that have been proven over time by our experience and by academic research that we can all take as an antidote to the blues.  These steps will help minimize the frequency and duration of our blues experience and expedite our recovery back into the bright light of opportunity that is before us each day.

1. Accept the reality that the journey of life will bring about times of personal sadness. Expecting a life without periods of sadness and disappointment is just not a realistic expectation.
2. Identify the source of our feelings. Be sure to look beyond the immediate issue like a fight with our spouse, an uninspiring job, or a recent mistake.  Many times, we have unresolved issues from our past that keep rearing their ugly head in our day to day issues.  Working to resolve these issues is an important step in dealing with the near term source of our troubles.
3. Find someone who will listen. It is getting harder and harder these days to find someone to listen.  In a world that continues to grow in complexity and intensity, the distractions of work, family schedules, “always on” social media, and binge watching a favorite TV series makes it challenging to even get those closest to us in the home to listen.  In addition, the cold hard reality is that struggles in the home are most often the source of the blues and finding someone to listen in our home may not be a realistic option.  In those cases, we should always try and be the one who is willing to put down the smart phone and listen when we can clearly tell something is wrong.  Our example will help others to do the same.
4. Look beyond ourselves to the needs of others. Getting our minds off of ourselves and onto helping others is a foundational step for preventing and recovering from the blues.  As Ben Franklin most famously said, “A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.”  Focus on serving others and our personal issues will seem insignificant in the light of helping others in need.
5. Set some small personal goals. It may very well be just to get out of bed in an efficient manner and not try to sleep away troubles with a few hits on the snooze button.  A set of small physical goals like going for a walk or exercising in some consistent way has always been shown to be a strong resistance to the blues.  Small steps of progress towards goals helps to expedite our recovery.
6. Count our blessings. Psychologists, pastors, and friends would all say that being thankful for the small blessings in life is a habit we should all embrace.  Whether it is enjoying a sunrise or a sunset along with the fact that we had one more day with those we care about most, gratefulness for the little things will help us effectively deal with the blues.

In the end, the choice is always ours to make.  Making a few decisions to implement some of the items above will help to minimize the number of times we slip into the blues and it will help expedite our recovery out of the valley when we find ourselves alone in the darkness.

As we take these steps as an antidote for the blues, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and set a positive example for those around us.

Psychologists, social researchers in academia, and our own personal experience would say that the vast majority of us avoid having the difficult conversation to address lingering frustrations that inevitably come with relationships in the home, the workplace, and the community.

Leaders in the workplace often delay having the difficult performance discussion with an employee until it is just unavoidable and the team or project has been significantly impacted.

Couples in the home often avoid the known stress points or triggers in the relationship and keep their fingers crossed that it will just go away without a fight this time.

Communities often look the other way and sweep problems under the rug until one small action ignites a firestorm of the now unavoidable reality.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, demonstrating the wisdom and courage to address the difficult and uncomfortable topics will help us prevent the cancer of delay from spreading and destroying the long term health of close relationships.

Emotion is often bound to a moment, but wisdom is always married to time.  We need wisdom to be effective in dealing with the complexity of life and that only comes with time and experience.

Here are just a few thoughts to address the avoidance strategy head on:

• Acknowledge the Truth: It is not easy to effectively have these types of discussions. Life is often sloppy and painful and addressing difficult issues does not come with paint by the numbers instructions. It is not perfect, but it needs to be experienced, not avoided.
• Begin the Dialogue: When we avoid addressing the problem, we often create more problems. Unresolved issues do not go away they just rear themselves in other ways.  We learn and grow as we address challenges, so get started.
• Intent and Understanding are the Foundation: It is important to be genuine in our intent to move the relationship forward in a healthy way to achieve the long term goals of the team, the family, or the community. Seek understanding first as we do not see the world as it is, but we see the world as we are and our experiences and attitudes bring about a host preconceived notions and biases.
• Don’t Lose Hope: We may often find ourselves in a tough spot in our homes, our close relationships, and in our community.  We will learn and grow through addressing difficult issues and even if they don’t get adequately resolved, we will be setting a great example for those closest to us that we don’t give up.

As we strive to reach our full potential in our lives and in our relationships, we will always have difficult issues to address and the avoidance strategy is just not an effective option.  We learn and grow as we work through difficult issues and the wisdom we gain will help us build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our hopes and dreams.

There is a great deal of material written about and attention given to leaders. One of the burdens of leadership is often summarized in the phrase it is “lonely at the top.”  There are many times when a leader needs to step forward and decide. The leader has gathered all the input, sorted through the data, and then at some point a decision needs to be made.  There is that moment of decision when the burden is only fully felt by the leader.  This is when a leader confronts that cold reality that it is truly “lonely at the top.”

However, today’s message is not about the “leader”, but about the often underappreciated role that most of us play…The role of serving to get the job done.  Mostly out of the spotlight, behind the scenes, and without the typical fanfare that comes with the “lonely role at the top.”  Similar to an offensive lineman blocking for a great running back or providing protection for a great quarterback to find the open receiver, the offensive line, like many of us, do our job faithfully day in and day out without being in the spotlight.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, the commitment to keep moving forward in the quiet role of service to a cause bigger than ourselves will set a positive example for others to follow.

Although many times underappreciated, there is something extremely honorable about the commitment of those who get the job done in our workplace, our communities and our homes.  A tremendous example is quietly set by those getting up on a cold, dark morning and getting the job done on a consistent basis that is worthy of appreciation, but so often goes without it.  It does not matter what role we play; whether we get up and load boxes into a truck, pack a lunch for children, sit and hold grandchildren, or plan the strategy for an organization.  The day in day out choice we make to get up and get going despite going underappreciated for not just days, but perhaps years, is worthy of praise and honor.

Truth be told, our most underappreciated examples of honorable, quiet service most often occur with those closest to us in our homes and extended family.

We may not realize it, but those around us, whether they are our children, our coworkers, or our neighbors are all impacted by our example to serve.  The press can be fleeting and inaccurate over time on those individuals in high-level positions.  However, the day to day example of those in quiet service beyond the spotlight to a cause bigger than themselves and honorably fulfilling their commitments are to be given the highest praise for their impact is positive and lasting on those around them.

All of us, at certain points in our journey across the various roles we play, will feel underappreciated for our efforts.  Whether it is an insensitive spouse, a young adult going through that “know it all” phase, a preoccupied boss, or selfish coworkers, we all will go through times of service where we just feel underappreciated.

In most cases, especially in the home, the tide does eventually turn.  The insensitive spouse or the “know it all” young adult eventually has that “light-bulb” moment when they realize the quiet service that has been delivered faithfully over the years.  However, if they do not, it is important that we do not lose our drive to deliver on our commitments to do our job and fulfill our obligations.  Continuing to move forward in quiet service is the right thing to do.

If you have felt underappreciated for a while, take this writing as a little “pat on the back” of encouragement for a job and an example well done.  In addition, we all should do some self-reflection and see if we are that insensitive spouse, “know it all” young adult, preoccupied boss, or selfish co-worker and start today to put forth some encouragement and recognition to those who are in honorable, quiet service around us.

As we keep moving forward in quiet service out of the spotlight, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a positive impact in our world and on those closest to us.

Let’s face the truth.  All of us have made mistakes, fallen short of goals, and had a few really painful disappointments in life.

There has been a great deal written about a recent trend by many academics to build resumes of their failures to demonstrate to students (and the world) that we all have failed numerous times in the pursuit of goals in order to better prepare students for the real world.

Given that we have all fallen short, the opportunity for redemption, or helping us to become more acceptable, especially in the eyes of those closest to us, is extremely relevant as we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character and reach our full potential.   The opportunity for redemption is very appealing to meet a most important human need beyond the basics, the need to know we matter and are accepted by those around us.

Like most efforts in reaching our full potential, the steps towards redemption are no different, we have some internal work to do on ourselves and we have some external effort we can offer those around us.

Internal Steps:

The inward journey towards redemption begins with a good inventory of those times we have fallen short.  The easy part is the concrete shortfalls in a career journey, academics, financial failures, etc.  The really hard part, but most meaningful inventory, are the times we have fallen short in the relationships closest to us; A lost temper, a hurtful word, or a rejection when we were needed most.  That is the list that hurts the most.

This type of inventory helps in two important ways (1) The list keeps us grounded and humble.  The Scriptures warn us that “pride comes before the fall” so we all should want to avoid that painful reality as much as possible. (2) The list helps us to be less judgmental of those around us.  We have a tendency to not be as critical when we have some self-awareness of our own shortcomings.

External Steps:

The external journey towards redemption begins with a word of encouragement to others.  Offering an encouraging word to others is many times the gateway for developing a deeper relationship with someone close to us.  We live in a world that emphasizes the negative and an encouraging word can be like oxygen to someone suffocating in an environment of negativity and pessimism.  We all carry a few heavy burdens known only to ourselves and an encouraging word is a helpful boost as we journey along.

Encouragement, especially to those closest to us, can help in a few important ways (1) Helps others feel better about themselves and begin to feel they matter (2) Creates an environment where others may become more open to share struggles without the fear of judgment and shame (3) Enables others to move forward in their own journey even if it is silently alone.

These internal and external steps are necessary on the continual journey towards redemption.  The journey towards redemption is ongoing in the real world as life is not stagnant.  We encounter new people, new experiences, new challenges, and ultimately a few more failures along the way.  Similar to the phrase, “life is a journey not a destination” so can be said of the process towards redemption with those closest to us in our homes and families.

As we continue to move forward with these steps towards redemption, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build strong and healthy relationships with those that matter most.

“There is a time for everything” so it says in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.  The word Ecclesiastes is most often translated as “the preacher.”  Preach on my friend.

For those of us preparing to sprint to the post office in the coming days to pay our taxes in the United States, it is truly a time to pay.  Although we all probably have a strong opinion about whether these tax dollars are spend efficiently or not, regardless, it is a time to pay.

However, the reality is that there is always a time to pay.  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, we will come to realize there is a need to consistently, day by day, make a payment to reach our full potential.

In the ebb and flow of our closest relationships, we usually don’t realize we have been missing a few payments until something really blows up.  We then realize there was a pattern of missed payments that could have strengthened the foundation instead of weakened it.

In our chosen profession, we usually don’t realize we have been missing a few payments towards our professional growth to remain competitive in the marketplace, until the pink slip arrives at the next downsizing. We then realize there was a pattern of missed payments that could have kept us competitively in the game longer.

In our own personal finances or while we are on the subject of taxes, in our nation’s finances, we usually don’t worry too much about the occasional use of credit to carry us through some lean times.  We then realize there was a pattern of missed payments and the remedy is painful to get our financial house in order.

Similar to the quote from Ernest Hemingway’s book, The Sun Also Rises, in which a character is asked, “How did you go bankrupt?”  He responds, “Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.”

Our payment always seems enormous when the proverbial dam breaks.  However, our real opportunity to reach our full potential in all areas of life, is to make the habit of small and manageable, daily payments.

Making daily, consistent payments to build health in our close relationships is the most effective time to pay.

Making daily, consistent payments to our personal and professional growth is the most effective time to pay.

Making daily, consistent payments in overseeing our personal finances is the most effective time to pay.

These daily payments form helpful habits that focus on prevention rather than the massive payments we will make when the problem is out of control.

As we make daily payments in the important areas of life, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to build a strong foundation for a bright future.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, I wanted to write about a principle that gets little mention in today’s “loud and proud” environment.  When we call roll for those who have delivered lasting, positive impact in our world, in our communities, and most certainly in our homes, there is a common virtue among them that is tough to find in the intensity of our world today.

The quality of gentleness, or “strength under control” as the more practical, relevant definition, continues to be an effective behavioral anchor for us in dealing with relationships in the complexity of life today.

I am confident that if I polled the readers of this blog, we could all give a few solid testimonies about when we “lost it” in a relatively intense or even seemingly routine interaction with a family member, coworker, or friend.  We occasionally blame our response on the hectic commute across the town, the stressful day at work, the loss of the big game, our finances, the weather etc.   However, we all know we fell short in demonstrating strength under control and we most likely took a big withdrawal out of the proverbial “relationship bank account” and needed to work extra hard making deposits into the future if we wanted to repair the relationship.

Maintaining gentleness in today’s world is not easy.  The real-life situations of dealing with an unruly child while hustling to get ready for work, an irate customer call just as “normal business hours” have passed and your daycare is closing, the spouse that just seems oblivious to the situation you are struggling to get through, or the aging parent who does not realize her limitations are all situations that put our gentleness to the test.  It is not easy to maintain strength under control, but it is well worth the effort.

There are several positive outcomes that we can all expect by demonstrating a greater degree of gentleness or strength under control in our interactions with others:

1. Gentleness has been shown over time, either through time-tested philosophers or academic research, to be the more effective method in strengthening relationships and sustaining positive behavioral change compared to the typical “loud, proud, and loss of control” technique we all so quickly adapt.
2. We will quickly replace the regretful thought of “oh, I should not have acted that way” with the cherished memory that we did the harder right, rather than the easier wrong, and more times than not, maintained a productive connection to continue the relationship another day.
3. Our example will be “watched” by those around us and whether we ever see it or not, others will be positively impacted by our actions.

One final note of truth from the late Leo Buscaglia, PhD.  I am not sure if you remember Leo, but he was “Dr. Love” in the 70s & 80s who was famous for his sold-out “Love 1A” class at the University of Southern California.  His PBS Specials (which are on YouTube for those interested) were an earlier and less rehearsed version of modern day TED Talks for healthy relationships.  Leo Buscaglia, in describing a relevant truth of those exhibiting the virtue of gentleness said, “Only the weak are cruel.  Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

We should all strive to be strong and model the principle of gentleness.  As a result, we will continue to make steady progress on building and strengthening our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a positive, lasting impact in our relationships.

There is no doubt that we learn and grow through experience.  “Experience is the mother of all learning,” so the saying goes.  Most psychologists would add to that statement and say that we learn the most during difficult and painful experiences.

The typical question we ask when life gets tough is “why?”  “Why is this happening to me?” “Of all possible times, why now?”  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, how we respond to the typical question “why” will make all the difference in reaching our full potential.

Some answers to the question “why” are pretty easy to figure out and relatively direct.  Why did I wreck the car? Well, I was texting and driving.  Why did I fail the test?  Well, I did not study.  Why did we not reap an abundant harvest this year?  Well, we did not spend time preparing the land, cultivating the crops during the growing season, and we were just hoping the fall would bring forth a great harvest.

Many times there is not a logical or practical response around the “why” question:

• Why am I or a loved one suffering a life threatening disease or illness?
• Why are some of my closest relationships continuing to struggle?
• After 15 years of hard work, why was I the next person called during the downsizing?
• Why can’t I just catch a break every once in a while?

The cold, hard reality in this life is that we will never know the answer to many of the difficult “whys” is our lives.

Below are a few thoughts to help walk down a more effective path when we face difficult times and want to ask why:

• It is quite typical to ask “why me” and “why now” during a struggle. We should not beat ourselves up for being human and asking the “why me” question every now and again.  It is not helpful to linger a long time with these questions, but it is ok to acknowledge we are human and the question is in the back of our minds from time to time.
• Acknowledge the reality that there probably is not an easy, logical explanation for the present struggle. Simply playing the “it is their fault” blame game on complex issues such as close relationships or work related struggles is not helpful.  There is usually enough responsibility to go all around on the complex struggles in life.
• Gain perspective and peace quickly that there is an opportunity to learn and grow in the pain and struggle. The one gift that is there for the taking in difficult times is the learning and personal growth we can receive as an outcome from the experience.  When we can develop a mindset of continually personal growth, we can ensure we are on a path to reach our full potential
• Focus on moving forward. We know there will be unavoidable difficulties and painful experiences that we will encounter. There will definitely be things we said or did that we genuinely wish we could take back and ‘do over.’  However, there are no ‘do overs’ in the life we are living.  We just need to keep moving forward in the direction of our hopes and dreams.

Life can only be lived in the present moment.  As we focus on learning and growing instead of trying to answer the “why” questions, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity® to build healthy relationships and the chance to have a positive impact on those around us.

If I were to ask you, “What are the most difficult problems you face today?’

What would you say?

Maybe you are in a real struggle with a close relationship.  Maybe you feel stuck in a job that is not satisfying.  Maybe you or a loved one have health issues that are all consuming.  Maybe you are facing a difficult financial situation. Maybe you feel flooded with commitments and obligations. Maybe you are struggling to find meaning and purpose.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, how we fill the gap between our current problems and our response to those problems can make a world of difference in bringing about the outcome desired.

Whether we look at documents of history, read psychology textbooks, or review our own personal experience, we would come to the cold, hard reality that we only bring about positive change and personal growth in our lives when we face difficult and painful situations.

Discontent and frustration over our current situation is the first step in growth.

The gap between our struggle and our response presents our opportunity for positive change.

When we stand in that gap, what do we do?

What do we do with the normal and unavoidable frustrations between a parent and a growing teenager?

What do we do with the inevitable frustrations between couples?

What do we do when faced with a teacher in school who seems unreasonable and illogical?

What do we do when a missed promotion at work seems so unfair?

When we stand in the gap between those difficult situations and our response with thoughts and decisions based on principles like courage, hope, responsibility, and understanding, we build and strengthen our character and are best positioned for growth and a positive outcome.

When we stand in the gap with thoughts, decisions, and actions guided by anger, apathy, and the death-nail of relationships, contempt, we weaken our character and most certainly bring about an undesired outcome.

The reality is that some of these issues are complicated and intense.  It all certainly sounds much easier said than done.  However, all good and worthy things start with a strong foundation.  The foundation that can best fill the gap between extremely challenging personal struggles and our response is built on principle.  Principles like courage, honesty, commitment, and hope can build a strong foundation to bring about positive change.

Building a strong foundation is a simple, daily choice we can all make.

As we build a strong foundation on principle, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to make the most effective choice when we stand in the gap between our situation and our response.

 

“Will this be on the test?”  This single question is probably the most dreaded question for any teacher to hear from a student. In a moment’s time, that question erases all aspiration for learning in the classroom, sets the foundation for a low bar in our educational experience and if we are not careful, for life itself.

When that question is asked, we expose the raw motivations of a student who just wants to get by.  If we are honest with ourselves, we all asked that question in the classroom or in our minds as the teacher began covering another topic.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, we need to be intentional about not asking that same question in other areas of life.  We face a significant risk of failing to reach our full potential when all we care about is just getting by in the near term.

Most adults will acknowledge that one of the biggest shortfalls in our academic experience was that we focused on just making it through to graduation, grades were the only benchmark, and we were not really trying to learn the material.  Doing whatever it took to just get by.

The mindset of doing just enough to get through the experience is a huge headwind against ever reaching our full potential.  A “Will this be on the test?” mindset is harmful in many areas of our lives:

• In the workplace, we fail to stretch and grow. We add minimal value to the business and the people we work with to achieve our collective objectives.  When the downsizing happens, we may find ourselves on the wrong list.
• On the home front, we risk casting a shadow on those closest to us that the minimum is just fine and we create habits that lay the foundation for a limited impact in our world.
• In our areas of service beyond home and work, well, truth be told, if all we care about is what is on the test, we probably are not venturing beyond the minimum of work and putting food on the table.

As we look to learn and grow in our life’s journey instead of just asking “Will this be on the test?”, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on our world.