If we chose to believe the statistics, either ourselves or someone close to us on our left or right struggles with feeling alone.  If we take an honest reflection of our own lives, there are probably times when we felt the sense of being out there all alone facing a particular situation:

• In the workplace, we can feel alone in dealing with a difficult boss, being a part of a project team that just doesn’t function like a team, or when we lost that “critical” account and everyone is turning their eyes on us.
• In school, when the “cool” group leaves us behind or we stayed home instead of attending the big party, we can feel a bit lonely.
• In the home, we can feel alone during times of struggle in a marriage, children whose birth order may align with certain experiences (it is more than just the middle child syndrome), or when adult children start making life choices that conflict with the hopes of parents.

We can all feel lonely from time to time.   

There were two times in my adult life when I have walked down the road with a close friend facing a terminal illness. In both experiences, they commented how wonderful it was to have family and friends around to help them in their most difficult situation.  However, both of them, from very different backgrounds and walks of life, made the same comment to me that even with all these people around, their journey down that final road is an extremely lonely one.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, embracing the bright side of loneliness will help each of us reach our full potential throughout the ups and downs of life in our home, the workplace and community.

Like most things in life, we can view challenges as a reminder of our own weaknesses or we can use challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. We make that choice every day and dealing with loneliness is no different.  We have a choice.  There was some recent published research on the best ways of coping with loneliness and of all the options like group therapy, community intervention, pharmaceutical treatments, etc., the most effective was some individual support to encourage changing our own thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.

As we view these occasions of loneliness as opportunities to grow, here are a few ways to remind us of the bright side of loneliness.

1. The first step towards self-improvement. The quiet of loneliness is a helpful place because the first step of any great movement starts with struggles in the present. In the quiet of loneliness, quite often we can see the need for change.  Whether it is in our careers to find something purposeful that excites us, or in our educational pursuits to study something that can help us to have a real positive impact, or in our homes to take steps to be a better spouse or parent.  Our desire to improve our situation starts with some dissatisfaction of the present.  In the cold quiet of loneliness, we often find the spark to ignite positive change in our lives.
2. We can make a quick turnaround. In the final assessment, making a shift in mindset is all up to us. There is empowerment and energy that comes with standing and facing our situation alone without the challenges of miscommunication, unmet expectations or half-hearted commitments that sometimes comes with large group efforts. We can move quickly in guiding our own thoughts, decisions, and actions.  As we look into the mirror, we need to ask, “What are we waiting for?”
3. A helping hand to others. Our journey through loneliness can be a helpful source of encouragement to someone who needs it most. We should be genuine and authentic in sharing our journey with someone else. As Plato once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” Someone close to us may need to hear our example of overcoming, but they may be too ashamed, embarrassed, or hurt to ask.  Sharing our journey with those we care about most should be thought of as a potential source of encouragement to them, not a needed badge of honor for ourselves.

As we chose to see the bright side of loneliness, we can increase our chances of overcoming.  We will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on others.

Let’s face the truth.  All of us have made mistakes, fallen short of goals, and had a few really painful disappointments in life.

There has been a great deal written about a recent trend by many academics to build resumes of their failures to demonstrate to students (and the world) that we all have failed numerous times in the pursuit of goals in order to better prepare students for the real world.

Given that we have all fallen short, the opportunity for redemption, or helping us to become more acceptable, especially in the eyes of those closest to us, is extremely relevant as we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character and reach our full potential.   The opportunity for redemption is very appealing to meet a most important human need beyond the basics, the need to know we matter and are accepted by those around us.

Like most efforts in reaching our full potential, the steps towards redemption are no different, we have some internal work to do on ourselves and we have some external effort we can offer those around us.

Internal Steps:

The inward journey towards redemption begins with a good inventory of those times we have fallen short.  The easy part is the concrete shortfalls in a career journey, academics, financial failures, etc.  The really hard part, but most meaningful inventory, are the times we have fallen short in the relationships closest to us; A lost temper, a hurtful word, or a rejection when we were needed most.  That is the list that hurts the most.

This type of inventory helps in two important ways (1) The list keeps us grounded and humble.  The Scriptures warn us that “pride comes before the fall” so we all should want to avoid that painful reality as much as possible. (2) The list helps us to be less judgmental of those around us.  We have a tendency to not be as critical when we have some self-awareness of our own shortcomings.

External Steps:

The external journey towards redemption begins with a word of encouragement to others.  Offering an encouraging word to others is many times the gateway for developing a deeper relationship with someone close to us.  We live in a world that emphasizes the negative and an encouraging word can be like oxygen to someone suffocating in an environment of negativity and pessimism.  We all carry a few heavy burdens known only to ourselves and an encouraging word is a helpful boost as we journey along.

Encouragement, especially to those closest to us, can help in a few important ways (1) Helps others feel better about themselves and begin to feel they matter (2) Creates an environment where others may become more open to share struggles without the fear of judgment and shame (3) Enables others to move forward in their own journey even if it is silently alone.

These internal and external steps are necessary on the continual journey towards redemption.  The journey towards redemption is ongoing in the real world as life is not stagnant.  We encounter new people, new experiences, new challenges, and ultimately a few more of our own failures along the way.  Similar to the phrase “life is a journey not a destination” so can be said of the process towards redemption with those closest to us in our homes and families.

As we continue to move forward with these steps towards redemption, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to build strong and healthy relationships with those that matter most.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, today’s theme is about a principle that gets little mention in today’s “loud and proud” environment.  When we call roll for those who have delivered lasting, positive impact in our world, in our communities, and most certainly in our homes, there is a common virtue among them that is tough to find in the intensity of our world today.

The quality of gentleness, or “strength under control” as the more practical, relevant definition, continues to be an effective behavioral anchor in dealing with relationships in the complexity of life today.

I am confident that if I polled the readers of this blog, we could all give a few solid testimonies about when we “lost it” in a relatively intense or even seemingly routine interaction with a family member, coworker, or friend.  We occasionally blame our response on the hectic commute across town, a stressful day at work, the loss of the big game, our finances, the weather etc.   However, we all know we fell short in demonstrating strength under control.  We most likely took a big withdrawal out of the proverbial “relationship bank account” and needed to work extra hard making deposits into the future if we wanted to repair the relationship.

Maintaining gentleness in today’s world is not easy.  The real-life situations of dealing with an unruly child while hustling to get ready for work, an irate customer call just as “normal business hours” have passed and your daycare is closing, the spouse that just seems oblivious to the situation you are struggling to get through, or the aging parent who does not realize her limitations are all situations that put our gentleness to the test.  It is not easy to maintain strength under control, but it is well worth the effort.

There are several positive outcomes that we can all expect by demonstrating a greater degree of gentleness or strength under control in our interactions with others:

1. Gentleness has been shown over time, either through time-tested philosophers or academic research, to be the more effective method in strengthening relationships and sustaining positive behavioral change compared to the typical “loud, proud, and loss of control” technique we all so quickly adapt.
2. We will quickly replace the regretful thought of “oh, I should not have acted that way” with the cherished memory that we did the harder right, rather than the easier wrong, and more times than not, maintained a productive connection to continue the relationship another day.
3. Our example will be “watched” by those around us and whether we ever see it or not, others will be positively impacted by our actions.

One final note of truth from the late Leo Buscaglia, PhD.  I am not sure if you remember Leo, but he was “Dr. Love” in the 70s & 80s who was famous for his sold-out “Love 1A” class at the University of Southern California.  His PBS Specials (which are on YouTube for those interested) were an earlier and less rehearsed version of modern day TED Talks for healthy relationships.  Leo Buscaglia, in describing a relevant truth of those exhibiting the virtue of gentleness said, “Only the weak are cruel.  Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

We should all strive to be strong and model the principle of gentleness.  As a result, we will continue to make steady progress on building and strengthening our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to have a positive, lasting impact in our relationships.

There seems to be no shortage of talkers in our world.  Traditional media, our school systems and our workplaces are all wired to recognize and reward the talkers.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character in a world that highlights the loud and proud, we don’t want to miss the power of being quiet and listening to build healthy relationships, open dialogue with those who are hurting and establish the foundation to reach our hopes and dreams.

We all cherish the moment when we are truly being listened to and understood.

Just recently, some exciting new research has been released that demonstrates the power of our brains to relate to one another when we truly listen.  Research out of Princeton being led by neuroscientist Uri Hasson used complex mathematical analyses to map patterns of activity in the brain.  The research added the dimension of measuring the relationship between the pattern in one person’s brain and the pattern in another’s.

The research team recorded the brain activity of one person’s brain while they told a story and another person’s brain who was listening.  The two brain patterns showed a remarkable degree of correlation. The storyteller had literally gotten in to the listener’s brain and altered it not only on the logic-reasoning parts of the brain, but most importantly, on the emotional part of the brain.  By focusing on listening, the listener was able to match the brain of the storyteller.  The listener felt the emotions of the storyteller.

The research demonstrated over and over that when you listen to and understand another person, you experience the exact same brain pattern as that person.  It is as if you have experienced their experience.  The research demonstrated that our brains know little difference between our own experience and one we shared by listening to another. Our brains are impacted the same way.  Listening to another person can provide real insight into another person’s journey and help us understand.

In addition to these types of research insights and the so-called “experts” in the field, here are just a few thoughts to reinforce the importance of listening to build healthy relationships:

1. Listening is the most simple and powerful way to demonstrate to someone that they matter. Our decision to listen meets a very important psychological need of all of us – to know we matter. Listening does not take a PhD in psychology, an extremely high IQ, or some position in the corner office.  All it takes is a simple decision to be silent and give someone our attention.
2. As our world continues to grow more intense and complex, before we instinctively move to shout out our “brilliant opinion,” we should first choose to listen. As the research showed, when we listen, we actually feel the experience of the other person. This is a relevant and practical choice for our home, our workplace, and our community.  As with many other things, the greatest challenge is often listening to those that are closest to us in our home.  We mistakenly think we know them well enough because we have lived with them for so long that we don’t need to listen.  In addition, we may have allowed the obstacles of anger, frustration, and apathy to prevent us from listening the other side of the story…and there is always another side to the story.
3. For most people, it is our painful experiences that have taught us the most and form the basis for many of the choices we make. However, we typically keep hidden those painful experiences from others. Being a good listener can help build a trusting, non-judgmental, and shame-free atmosphere which can eventually open a door to the sharing of those painful experiences to assist in a greater understanding of one another.  Understanding is the foundation for health in our relationships.

Listening, with the intent to understand, is a well-documented and practical approach to improve relationships.  As we make the decision to listen, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® to build healthy and meaningful relationships.

We all like a good race.  Whether it is the 100 meter dash, the NYC Marathon, the Kentucky Derby, or a NASCAR race.  It is exciting to see the race and how participants cross the finish line.  There is a clear start and a clear finish.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, it is important that we acknowledge the truth that there is no finish line concerning the important things in life like family, work, finances, and areas of service.  Even in death, our legacy carries on to impact those left behind.  We have to be careful to avoid the illusion of a finish line to our efforts.

There is a risk to reaching our full potential when we allow ourselves to establish some phantom finish lines that will determine our mindset and our effort.  We have probably all found ourselves at one time or another saying something like:

• When I reach a certain income level, then I can get ahead of the bills and things will be ok
• When the kids get out of diapers, then we will have some time and energy and things we be ok
• When I get through this busy season, then I will have some time to re-connect with my spouse and our relationship will be ok
• When I lose these 10 pounds, then I will feel better and things will be ok
• When I reach a certain career milestone, then there won’t be as much stress and things will be ok
• When I get this degree completed, then I can get my life in order and things will be ok

It is healthy to establish goals/milestones along the way to assess our progress, but there is a clear difference between a milestone achievement and a finish line ending the race to reach our full potential.

The reality is our journey through life is a lot like the business model of the software industry.  We launch with the 1.0 version.  We get out there in life, learn some things, see some new opportunities, and realize we didn’t plan for everything.  We then proceed to make a few improvements and then launch the 2.0 version…then 3.0 and we know how the story continues.

The illusion is that the next version will be the lasting version and all we will need.  Life continues to present us with new opportunities to learn and grow.  On the journey to reach our full potential, there is no final version.  We will continue to build skills and grow in wisdom and perspective.

If we don’t learn and grow, we miss our opportunity to maximize our impact on those things we care about most.

As we make the choice to live fully in the moment with the humility to know we are never done learning and growing, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to have a positive impact on those closest to us and in service to causes bigger than ourselves.

As we move fully into the fall season, the quiet of the morning is much more noticeable than the early rising sun and chirping birds of summer.  With the time change that will be coming soon, the dark and quiet early mornings afford all of us the opportunity to reflect on the learnings of the past and prepare for what lies ahead.

In the busyness of life, we often fail to take a moment to reflect on where we have been and briefly remind ourselves on where we desire to go in order to build our energy to continue the journey. The quiet of the morning brought on at this time of year support the chance for some meaningful reflection to help us reach our hopes and dreams.

As we continue on our personal journey to build and strengthen our character, there is an opportunity in the quiet of the morning to reflect on day to day happenings and also on the big questions about what we desire to see in the years to come.

The Book of Proverbs says, “Where there is no vision, the people will perish.”

Real world experience and academic research would reinforce the importance of determining clear goals and specific plans to achieve those goals in order to make meaningful progress on any endeavor.  In addition, psychologists would describe something called “purposeful imagination.” Basically, if we can clearly see ourselves achieving those goals, emotionally feel what we would feel like in achieving those goals, we build strength to endure the inevitable challenges we will face in achieving our goals.

We hear a great deal about “vision” and “purpose” statements for individuals, families, and organizations.  These are very powerful tools to focus effort and rally a group to a cause.  Many times, with the effort to hang a vision statement on a wall, we fail to reconnect consistently to that statement and over time, our direction drifts off course.

There is a significant opportunity to use the quiet of the morning to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, both today, and in the long journey of life.

When we take the time to look forward 5, 10, or 20 years, what do we see?

What is the state of our closest relationships?  Do we see relationships that have endured the inevitable ups and downs and continue to strengthen a mutual commitment to each other?  Do we see children that are productive members of the family, the community, and the workforce?  What is the legacy we leave behind to those that matter most?

What is the impact we are having over the years?

We all should work to develop the habit of consistently making time to reflect on the big questions of life.  Take a walk, sit outside, or just briefly look off in the distance during a slow period of a child’s practice to see what we truly desire to see in the years to come.

As we take the time to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, we will build energy to persevere on our journey and we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to not only see the future we desire, but make meaningful progress towards achieving it.

Psychologists, social researchers in academia, and our own personal experience would say that the vast majority of us avoid having the difficult conversation to address lingering frustrations that inevitably come with relationships in the home, the workplace, and the community.

Leaders in the workplace often delay having the difficult performance discussion with an employee until it is just unavoidable and the team or project has been significantly impacted.

Couples in the home often avoid the known stress points or triggers in the relationship and keep their fingers crossed that it will just go away without a fight this time.

Communities often look the other way and sweep problems under the rug until one small action ignites a firestorm of the now unavoidable reality.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, demonstrating the wisdom and courage to address the difficult and uncomfortable topics will help us prevent the cancer of delay from spreading and destroying the long-term health of close relationships.

Emotion is often bound to a moment, but wisdom is always married to time.  We need wisdom to be effective in dealing with the complexity of life and that only comes with time and experience.

Here are just a few thoughts to address the avoidance strategy head on:

1. Acknowledge the Truth: It is not easy to effectively have these types of discussions. Life is often sloppy and painful and addressing difficult issues does not come with paint by numbers instructions. It is not perfect, but it needs to be experienced, not avoided.
2. Begin the Dialogue: When we avoid addressing the problem, we often create more problems. Unresolved issues do not go away, they just rear themselves in other ways. We learn and grow as we address challenges, so get started.
3. Intent and Understanding are the Foundation: It is important to be genuine in our intent to move the relationship forward in a healthy way to achieve the long-term goals of the team, the family, or the community. Seek understanding first as we do not see the world as it is, but we see the world as we are and our experiences and attitudes bring about a host preconceived notions and biases.
4. Don’t Lose Hope: We may often find ourselves in a tough spot in our homes, our close relationships, and in our community. We will learn and grow through addressing difficult issues and even if they don’t get adequately resolved, we will be setting a great example for those closest to us that we don’t give up. Keep hope alive.

As we strive to reach our full potential in our lives and in our relationships, we will always have difficult issues to address and the avoidance strategy is just not an effective option.  We learn and grow as we work through difficult issues and the wisdom we gain will help us build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our hopes and dreams.

Our world continues to grow in complexity and intensity.  Although we may talk about big goals like improving education, addressing poverty, and eliminating the oppression of certain groups, it is often very difficult to genuinely see and “feel” progress being made in our day to day lives.  

The purpose of today’s writing is to bring a progress check much closer to home, where the potential for global change actually begins and where it matters most.

We are all familiar with the importance of setting goals, building a plan to achieve those goals and using some date on a calendar like a birthday, the new year, or the start of school to help jump start the process in a healthy and often convenient way to initiate needed change in our lives.  Unfortunately, we are probably also familiar with the reality that the vast majority of us will abandon, or just plain forget, our goals almost as quickly as we set them.

Today’s writing is not about rallying around some collective motivation or new process to more effectively achieve our goals.  There is already plenty of information out there to help us all get a little more motivated to achieve our goals.

Today’s writing is about the importance of recognizing small steps of progress along the way in order to keep the momentum going.  The “world” (feel free to insert your own relevant term) judges or highlights the finish line.  However, most often it will be us alone, in the quiet of the journey, that will be in a position to celebrate making progress in the right direction on the things that matter most.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, a helpful discipline we alone can exercise is the personal “high five” we can give ourselves for making progress on the journey to reach our hopes and dreams in matters close to home.

There will be a great deal written about the steps to achieving the common goals of losing weight, exercising or some professional career milestone.  However, the real need to celebrate making progress towards often our most challenging goals, which is rarely written or talked about, is in having a positive impact on those closest to us in our homes and families.  A helpful discipline is to acknowledge the small steps of progress we make in:

1. Judging less and encouraging more
2. Breaking the cycle of a painful past to bring healing to an important relationship
3. Experiencing the lasting joy of serving and giving instead of the short-term pleasure of getting our way
4. Opening dialogue on an important issue rather than avoiding it
5. Courageously acknowledging our fears and insecurities while minimizing our concern of judgement or shame

The “world” will celebrate the big achievements in business, politics, entertainment, etc.  As we choose to celebrate making progress in the home and with the ones closest to us, we will build the foundation to achieve great things in the marketplace, the community, and our world.

As we make the choice to personally celebrate the small steps of progress we make in our close relationships, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to bring health into relationships closest to us.

As we continue to clearly define our hopes and dreams in the home, let us not forget that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” (Lao Tzu).  Congratulations, in advance, for the steps of progress you will make with the ones closest to you.

Well, I guess we did not win the Powerball lottery last night.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans did not come together like we had hoped.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans to retire after 30 years with the company ended at year 15 with a downsizing exercise.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our dream of a quiet neighborhood ended when the neighbor’s rowdy grandson inherited the house.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plan for “happily ever after” is not looking so good.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans for a care-free retirement ended when the kids moved back in.  Now what do we do?

Well, I guess our plans to hand down a great family business ended when the “supercenter” came to town.  Now what do we do?

The reality of our day to day lives is that many things don’t come together according to plan.  To pull from the wisdom of Ben Franklin, it is really only death and taxes that we can count on.

Resilience is a character trait defined as the ability to bounce back after a set-back.  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, building resilience into our personal skill-set would be a most valuable endeavor to reach our full potential.

How do we handle a set-back?  Do we take our ball and go home, fold up our tents and walk away, or do we pick ourselves up, adjust our plans with the new set of information and get back after the goal?

Here are a few things to consider in helping to build and strengthen our resilience:

1. We are not the only one whose plans fell off the rails and we encountered a near term failure. Even the sharped dressed man or woman who sounds so smart, hits rock bottom every once in a while.
2. Work hard to remain humble when things seem to be going great. Humility will help soften the blow when a set-back comes our way…and a set-back will come our way.
3. It is ok to acknowledge the pain. We should all work to build our tolerance for pain and discomfort, but it is ok to admit a major set-back in an important area of life really hurts.
4. We set a helpful example to those we care about most when we demonstrate the ability to bounce back after a set-back. Set the example…Resilience may be the most important life-skill we can teach those we care about most.

Our world continues to grow in complexity and uncertainty, and as we continue to develop our resilience in dealing with the inevitable set-backs, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.

 

We all appreciate freedom.

The freedom to come and go as we please.  The freedom to live according to a set of beliefs.  The freedom to pursue our hopes and dreams. The list could go on and on.

One person who understood freedom very well was the late Nelson Mandela (1918-2013, former President of South Africa).

On February 11, 1990, Nelson Mandela, after 27 years in prison, walked out of a South African prison into freedom, but he was not totally free.  It was not until he made one more decision that truly set him free.  “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” Nelson Mandela

If we all reflected on the following questions, how would we respond?

1. Have we ever been misguided by a friend or family member?
2. Have we ever been treated unfairly in the workplace?
3. Have we ever put our heart and soul into a relationship that subsequently fell apart?
4. Have we ever had someone we trusted take advantage of that trust?

Chances are pretty good that we all would answer “yes” on many, if not all, of the questions above.

Given the affirmative response to many of these questions, an important reality we need to face is the level of bitterness and anger we still hold around those events and those individuals. To use Mandela’s concept, are we still in prison because of those feelings?

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, we need to ask ourselves an important question, “If I am holding on to bitterness and anger from the past, am I really free?”

This other side of freedom is different than the 4th of July kind of freedom we experience.  This other side of freedom is a result of the individual choice we make to leave bitterness behind and move on.

If we let bitterness and anger from the past define our future, we will not reach our full potential.

Here are just a few ideas to help us move towards the personal freedom we need to reach our full potential:

• We all make mistakes. We have probably caused some pain on others we wish we had not. Extend the same forgiveness and understanding we wish others would do for us.
• It will happen again. Life is complicated and people react in different ways. We need to be careful that we don’t become disillusioned with expectations that life will be clean and nice and our closest relationships will be like the fairy tales we read as a kid. Life is messy and complicated.  There will be misunderstandings and pain along the journey.
• Bitterness and anger hold us back. Once we learn to forgive and move on, we will experience the benefits of being free from the anger of the past. We will develop the “muscle memory” to forgive quickly, remove negative emotions, and apply ourselves fully to achieve our hopes and dreams.
• We set an example for others to follow. The more we can demonstrate the ability to remove bitterness over past events, the more others will see our actions and follow…especially those closest to home that we hope can have the best foundation to reach their full potential.

As we make the choice to leave behind bitterness and anger from the unfortunate events of our past, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our full potential and have a great impact on those around us.