Immigration has always played a significant role in the history of the United States.  In recent years, the debate has intensified with mostly extreme views on both sides taking up most of the air in the room.  Given the ongoing and important dialogue around immigration, I wanted to utilize the forum of the Character Creates Opportunity blog to provide a personal moment of reflection on a principle that was taught to me by two immigrants I know very well.

The timeless, universal, and self-evident principle I learned from two immigrants was SERVICE to a cause greater than my own is the gateway to make a positive impact and reach one’s full potential.  In addition, I have seen this principle embodied in the efforts of countless numbers of immigrants I have come to know throughout my 50 years on this planet.

The two immigrants who taught me the principle of service to a cause greater than my own are my mom and dad.  My mother came to this country by herself at the age of 18 from Glasgow, Scotland.  My father is a second-generation Italian immigrant.  

Family

As my mother came to this nation by herself, it was the open door of her sister who came to America a few years earlier and provided her with an initial foothold to get started.  It was not a perfect support structure, but it enabled her to get her start on building a new life.

My father’s family made their way initially in a shared apartment with close relatives. They got their start in the fresh produce business starting off with a wagon on a street corner and eventually moved to a modest storefront offering customers access to quality produce to a growing post-WWII population.

Families made sacrifices to ensure their loved ones had a helpful hand to initially find their way. The importance of service to family above oneself has been a recurrent theme throughout the lives of my parents.  When the stresses and strains of raising a family, maintaining a marriage, and dealing with financial pressures would typically lead to the break-up of a family, my parents modeled a commitment to a greater cause than themselves and kept our family together.

Work

As my mom worked and journeyed along to make her new life, she met my father in their common place of work at a local bank in Hackensack, NJ.

Work, not as a means to build wealth, but as a means to serve others and provide the resources for a warm home to grow a family has been another recurrent theme throughout the lives of my parents.  Whether sweeping floors or working in the corner office, work was viewed as source of strength and self-worth when the barriers of different languages and cultures can sometimes drive feelings of insecurity and shame.

Community

As our family grew together there was always an element of service to our community that helped ensure we collectively lived safely and provided an opportunity for others to achieve their hopes and dreams. 

The importance of service to a community and a nation has been a recurrent theme throughout the lives of my parents.  Whether it was seeking elected office on our town’s council, teaching in a community college, volunteering in local charities and supporting youth athletics and education, my parents made it a priority to serve the community in which we lived to make it a better place for others to build a better life.

The priorities of family, work, and community based on the principle of service to a cause greater than oneself is what two immigrants taught me.

As I reflect on what I have witnessed in my own life, I have seen the principle of service to a cause greater than oneself displayed in the immigrants who were soldiers in my command in combat during the first Gulf War.  In my 25 years in the healthcare marketplace, I see immigrants displaying the same willingness to serve a cause greater than themselves as they help to build businesses, ensure a solid home-life and community for their families, and pursue noble advances in science and technology.

There are several important by-products of the principle of service to a cause greater than ourselves that immigrants have taught me:

1. Service to a cause greater than ourselves keeps us humble despite how much outward success we may achieve in the world.
2. Service to a cause greater than ourselves provides an inner-peace that is a strong barrier to feelings of depression, negativity, and contempt for life. Science now proves that aspirations like focusing on helping others rewires our brains to more positive pathways that enable us to feel better, live healthier and have a more positive impact on others.
3. Service to a cause greater than ourselves fills our hearts and minds with compassion for others and helps us be more empathic to the struggles of others. We become more compelled to help rather than judge, shame, or hurt.

Yes, it is true that there is no simple answer to the complexity of immigration in this modern era.  There are people who want to come to this country to do harm and we need to provide for the necessary protection of our citizens.  We do not have unlimited resources to fully address every need, so tough choices need to be made.  We need a principle-based, respectful, and honest debate to come to the most effective solution.

However, the foundation of this nation has been built on the principle of SERVICE to a cause greater than oneself and that principle is the dominant theme that drives most immigrants to our nation.  Unfortunately, that truth is many times lost by all of us who have never known or never taken the time to reflect on the origins of our own family tree that arrived in this land of opportunity.

What two immigrants taught me is that when service to a cause greater than oneself becomes our foundation, we become our best selves and make a positive impact on our world.  As we focus on the principle of SERVICE we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to make this world a better place.

When discussing topics around the importance of character, we often hear phrases like, “people just need to do the right thing” or “it is pretty basic, just like the things we learned as young kids in school.” In many ways, how we build and strengthen our character is pretty straight-forward.   

The vast majority of people would agree that our homes and our world would be in better shape if we lived our lives with integrity, took more personal responsibility, removed bitterness and resentment from our thoughts, focused on serving more than being served etc.  In addition, people finding a career path that truly taps into their strengths and fuels their passions is the most effective way to have a lasting, positive impact in the workplace.  Organizations, filled with people who are personally and professionally aligned with the vision and culture of the organization, tend to outperform their dysfunctional peers by a wide margin.

Given the above understanding, the key question to ask is, “why don’t we do it?”

When I reflect on some of my own choices or speak with others about choices they made, there seems to be a common theme.  When we cut through all the justification language, the well-articulated rationale, the defensiveness around a decision, etc. more times than not, we are left with some form of FEAR, often buried beneath insecurity, that is the force that holds us back from making the most effective choices in our lives.

When we need to have that difficult conversation about an important issue that is hindering the growth of our most precious relationships, we often allow the fear of a potential “bad” outcome hold us back from moving forward.  Our mind is filled with thoughts like:  

“The last 10 times I tried to have this conversation, it ended up really bad, so just forget it.”

“He / she always twists my words around and I can’t think fast enough to respond.”

“As soon as he / she rolls those eyes at me, I just lose it.”

In the workplace, when we need to have those challenging conversations with a boss, a coworker or an employee, we often allow fear to hold us back with thoughts like:

“If I raise this issue with him, I know it will be the death knell to my career with the company.”

“He gets so defensive when I talk about working as a team.  Forget it…I will just do it myself.”

“The last time I saw someone challenge the boss’ opinion, they were ‘ripped apart’ so forget about speaking up.  I will just deal with it.”

Deep down, the truth behind many of our decisions not to “do the right thing” is because of FEAR.

Fear has its place in our lives.  In some short-term situations like walking at night in a bad part of town, a little fear is good to keep us on high alert.  Having a little fear when the doctor says we need to eat better and exercise more maybe just what we need to get motivated.  Just before we make the decision to buy that new car, take that big vacation, or financially “stretch” into a larger home, a little fear is good to ensure we understand all the potential outcomes before spending the money.

However, in the context of strengthening relationships and pursuing a life of positive impact, it is not healthy to let fear be the driving force behind our thoughts, decisions, and actions.  We should put fear in its place as we anchor our decisions on timeless, universal principles like courage, discernment, and discretion to make the most effective choice and do the right thing; Have that difficult conversation, put the issue on the table at work, and pursue that career choice that would be most fulfilling.

There is one practical step we can take to help ensure fear does not have an unhealthy impact on the choices we make.  As we walk through the decision-making process and assess the potential positive and negative outcomes of a particular decision, simply ask one additional question;

“If I was not afraid, what would I do?”

Addressing this basic question helps acknowledge the reality that somewhere in the mix of major decisions there is always a little fear and it opens the door to be brutally honest with ourselves as we work through making the decision.      

Fear has its place in our lives. As we guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions by principles such as courage, loyalty, and commitment, we build and strengthen our character and our Character Creates Opportunity to help minimize the negative impact of fear in our lives as we pursue our hopes and dreams.

At the start of the year I wrote a blog that described our greatest challenge in life is to reach our full potential.  Research would suggest that one of the main hindrances in reaching our potential is that we have a strong tendency to allow what others believe about us to influence how we see ourselves and how we grow relative to our potential.  This common hindrance to reaching our potential is especially strong in our adolescent years, but it is also very prevalent in adulthood.

There have been numerous studies over the years that corroborated the evidence documented in the foundational book, Pygmalion in the Classroom, published in 1968 by Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson.   These studies all draw a similar, very simple conclusion; teacher expectations of students play a significant role in students reaching their full academic potential.  It would be misleading to state that teacher expectations determine a student’s success, but the expectations are a huge barrier for students to overcome when they are negative and they are a huge accelerant to growth when they are positive.  Outside of the classroom, there is a similar amount of evidence in the home, the workplace, and the community that would draw similar conclusions of the impact of parents, mentors, and leaders.

As we continue on our journey of building and strengthening our character, it is important that we recognize how we can intentionally support and encourage others to reach their full potential.  As the German writer and statesman, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of being.”

In the course of our lives, we have all probably felt a negative projection, whether directly or indirectly, from a coach, a teacher, a parent, a sibling, a boss, or spouse that influenced us enough to open the door to self-doubt that perhaps we did not have what it takes to achieve a certain goal or dream.  Despite our understanding that we own our choices and we can achieve our dreams, that negative projection was an obstacle we needed to overcome.  The effort, whether small or large, that we devoted to overcoming the obstacle was effort that could have been directed at reaching our full potential.

We have a tremendous opportunity to help others by communicating clearly that we believe they can reach great heights and have a great impact.  Our positive expectations of others will help them reach their full potential.

Here are just a few suggestions on how we can all keep our expectations turned toward the positive:

1. Avoid letting our own generational experience drive a negative perception of someone attempting a new technique or proposing a new idea.

I once heard Jeffery Katzenberg, CEO and Co-Founder of Dreamworks Animation, describe the negativity that many individuals in his company had in the transition to computer generated animation because they felt the human side of hand drawn animation was the only effective way to tell a story.  The negative expectations of many of the experienced, hand-drawn illustrators slowed the transition to computer generated animation and put the company’s future at risk.  However, with the incredible success of the company’s first 100% computer generated animation film, Shrek, Dreamworks has never looked back to hand drawn animation again.

2. Avoid letting our perceptions of the ‘exterior’ override the potential of someone’s hopes and dreams.

We all have a tendency to allow the looks, the dress, the “resume”, the recent activities, etc., of someone be the driving force behind our positive or negative expectation.  We should refrain judgment on the exterior and begin with a positive expectation as we work to encourage an individual’s desire and effort which, in most cases, will overcome any obstacle to reach their hopes and dreams.

As we bring a positive, hopeful expectation to others, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to encourage others and be an enabler for them to reach their full potential.

Exercise provides a tremendous benefit to our physical and mental health.

We all have probably experienced the pattern of a rigorous workout routine or some sort of physical activity followed by sore muscles in the next day or so.  With some consistency over time, we build greater strength and endurance to take on even greater physical challenges.  Combined with good nutrition, our body has a great process for tearing down muscles with exercise and then rebuilding stronger over time.  With a stronger body, we could all live a healthier more abundant life.

The same basic concept on building physical strength can be said about the process to build and strengthen our character.   Over the last few decades there continues to be some exciting science in the field of neurobiology that describes a similar process in our minds that supports mental health and in turn, healthier relationships, and the foundation for greater personal impact.  Scientific research from some of the leading institutions around the world has consistently demonstrated that we can more effectively wire our brains to improve our own self-awareness, our empathy for others, and our collective sense as a family, a team, etc.  Mental activities such as our feelings and thoughts flow as patterns of energy within our brains.  Our brains actually change connections and those connections grow stronger in response to our thoughts and the focus of our attention.  The process is called neuroplasticity.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, the reality of neuroplasticity presents a real opportunity for us to reach our full potential and have a positive impact.

Our character is built and strengthened when our thoughts, decisions, and actions are based on principles like honesty, courage, and loyalty.  When we consistently choose to have principles guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions, we are fundamentally changing the mental maps of our brains.  We begin to hard-wire and strengthen the most effective pathways to endure the ups and downs of life while heading in a healthy direction to build strong relationships in families, the workplace, and our communities.  Over time, we create and strengthen the patterns to be honest, courageous, forgiving, and faithful, no matter what the situation, based on the physical changes taking place in our brains.

The reverse is also true.  When we focus our attention on thoughts, decisions, and actions of deception to take the easy way out, hiding the truth to avoid embarrassment, or avoiding the tough conversation, we physically change our mental map.  We build strength around those connections in our brain to make deception, avoidance, and dishonesty the well-worn pattern of our behavior and our character is weakened.  When we encounter the need for courage to have the difficult, but necessary conversation, we avoid it and take the easy way out because we have strengthened our brain to go down that path.

Just like my inconsistent workout routines over the years, I can see seasons of my life where I developed well-worn mental maps in both areas.  Perhaps you can also.  The great news is that we all have the choice to get back on the most effective path.   Just like beginning a new exercise routine, it is a little painful at first, but once we build the pattern, the strength follows, and we start feeling better.

As we anchor our thoughts, decisions, and action on principles, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to hard-wire our brains to take the most effective path to reach our full potential and maintain health in our relationships.

As we move into the new year and continue our journey to build and strengthen our character, an important topic to consider is how we work towards reaching our full potential in a world that tries to simply drive us towards comparisons.

There is a great deal of measurement and assessment in schools, sports, the workplace, and our homes that is necessary to establish benchmarks and standards to provide a sense of order and alignment.  Many times, these important assessments drive the unintended consequence that our “relative ranking” to others also becomes a measure of our own self-worth.

Healthy competition and the assessment of that competition is a good thing to help us reach our full potential.  However, we need to be intentional about maintaining our own personal interpretation of the measurement to ensure that it remains a simple assessment of fact, and not a definition of our true self-worth.  In addition, in our roles as parents and mentors, we need to be especially proactive in ensuring our children don’t fall into the trap of identifying their self-worth by their class rank, their time in the 100 meter dash, or the colleges they do or do not get into.

The “keeping up with the Jones” mindset is the adult manifestation of finding our self-worth in a measurement of what I have relative to others.  Spending a great deal of energy thinking about how our bank account, salary, career progress, accomplishments of our kids, state of our marriage, etc. stack-up to others can all be the adult manifestation of finding our self-worth relative to others.

In terms of determining our self-worth, John Wooden provides an important point in his definition of success: “Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”  The legendary basketball player and coach was trying to drive home the point that you find peace when you give it all you have to reach your full potential, regardless of what those around you achieve or don’t achieve.

Our greatest challenge in life is to reach our full potential.  It is not winning a certain championship, reaching the corner office, solving some major problem in the world, or getting our kids prepared for life. Our greatest challenge in life is to reach our potential in a world that keeps pressuring us to compare ourselves to others.

In striving to reach our potential, here are a few points to consider:

1. Reaching our potential has nothing to do with our relative ranking vs others. Our relative ranking may help us get motivated, but reaching our potential has to do with us doing our very best to becoming the best that we can be.
2. Understanding our potential in all areas of our lives requires a great deal of self-reflection, honest assessment by ourselves and others who genuinely care for us, and wisdom that comes over time.
3. We will find a sense of peace, like Coach Wooden described, if we can consistently give our best effort along our journey of trying to reach our potential.

When we spend time and effort on determining our true potential, I am reminded of my old high school pole vaulting coach who used to say to me before I would jump, “Espo, the sky is the limit!”

It has been my experience in working with individuals, teams and families over the years that we all have a great deal more potential in our roles than any of us thinks we do.  If each of us can “raise the bar” on our thinking about our true potential, we will make steady progress on building and strengthening our character and Character Creates Opportunity for us to reach our potential.

In part I of this message last week, we highlighted that beyond the basics for survival, we all have a strong need to belong and be accepted.  In addition, we all face the reality that today’s “connected world” can foster isolation instead of genuine connection in the home, the workplace, and the community.

As we continue on this journey to build and strengthen our character, in Part II of this message, we will touch on two essential steps we can take to further strengthen the gift of connection and be more effective in trying to meet the need of others to feel they belong and are accepted into something bigger than themselves.

In most relationships there is usually some healthy tension (at least we all hope it remains healthy) in discussions about important decisions that need to be made.  It is quite rare for complex, important decisions to be so clear cut that we can stand firmly in the “yes” or “no” camp.  The real important decisions are usually complex and have a number of factors that need to be addressed.

Below are just a few examples of important decisions that need to be made:

• Money decisions: How much to spend now versus saving for later. Buy cheap now and replace or buy quality now and keep for longer.
• Career decisions: Deciding to take a risk on a new job versus the risk of staying with something you know well that provides for your needs today, but may become obsolete in a few years.
• Parenting decisions: Deciding when to transition from protection to preparation and then preparation into freedom and full release into the world.  Deciding if that timeline changes based on the uniqueness of each child.
• Lifestyle: Decisions to move away for new experiences and opportunities or remain close to the familiar community of friends and family.

Complex decisions are not easy to make.

The Power of Trust

There are few more effective ways we can cement an individual’s sense of belonging and feeling accepted than when we trust him/her to make a decision.  After all the debate and discussion has been conducted and the decision is still daunting, we say, “I trust you to make the decision.” As a spouse, when we come to appreciate each other’s strengths and we communicate (with words, tone, and body language) that we trust him/her with a decision, we communicate belonging and acceptance.  As a parent, when we communicate to a child that we trust him/her with a decision, we communicate belonging and acceptance.  As a leader, when we communicate to an individual that we trust him/her with making the decision on a new product line, a change in strategy, or a hiring decision, we communicate belonging and acceptance.

Communicating trust to an individual through empowering him/her to make a decision is an essential step toward meeting the critical need to feel belonging and acceptance.

We have probably all had the experience of trusting and then disaster struck.  We trusted our spouse and he/she made a mess of things.  I wish the “mess” was just some spilled paint on the carpet, but the reality is that the “mess” many times is much worse and much more painful.  We trusted an adult child for the weekend and then came home to find Animal House – Part II just became a reality show at our home while we were gone.  We trusted a business associate and they destroyed the reputation and finances of the business we poured our heart and soul into.

The reality is that trust can sometimes bring about a great deal of pain.  We can remain bitter.  Unfortunately, bitterness has been proven to result in greater pain and problems for all involved.  In addition, the one who holds onto bitterness usually suffers the most compared to the one who first stumbled and fell short.

The Power of Redemption

On the back side of that painful experience, there is one of the most effective ways that we can rise above and many times, permanently solidify someone’s sense of belonging and acceptance.   We can take an action they may never forget.  The additional way to ensure an individual feels a sense of belonging and acceptance is to show redemption towards the individual who squandered our trust.  We build and strengthen our character in a major way when we demonstrate grace through communicating redemption towards the individual and open the door to trust him/her again.

The act of “clearing” one’s debt or “saving” someone from the continual pain of a poor choice and communicating our willingness to trust again is probably the greatest challenge we will face in terms of building strong and healthy relationships over the long-term.

How do we respond when those closest to us fall short and break the bond of trust?

Providing redemption from past mistakes, as opposed to remaining bitter, has been shown time and again to build a sense of belonging, connection, and community with those around us.

As we become more intentional on providing the gift of connection during this holiday season, today’s blog was meant as a reminder of the two essential steps we can take through trust and redemption to ensure we meet a clear need of those closest to us.

As we make the effort to build stronger connections with those closest to us, we will build and strengthen our character, and Character Creates Opportunity to support the emotional health and well-bring of those we care about most.

One additional note:  Given the pressures and challenges in our world, we all struggle with extending trust and redemption from time to time.  When I have found myself in that spot, it has been helpful to reflect back on the experiences and individuals who have extended trust to me and demonstrated a redemptive spirit when I certainly did not deserve it.  This reflection often helps motivate me to move towards trust and redemption to others.  I am pretty confident that if each of us inventoried our lives, we would find others who trusted us and then redeemed us after we fell short.

Psychologists would tell us that our greatest need beyond the basics for survival is our need to belong and be accepted.

We can all relate to the positive emotional sense we feel when we know we are part of a team on the athletic field, the workplace, the community, and certainly the home.  When we join efforts with others to support a cause bigger than ourselves, we feel most alive.  Whether that cause is building a strong family, a winning basketball team, a competitive business, a community project, or the defense of a nation, the sense of belonging meets a real personal need. Knowing we are an accepted part of something bigger than ourselves is critical to our emotional health and stability.

When we become disconnected or feel rejected from a group, we struggle.  In the absence of a sense of connection to others and a cause greater than our own, we all can become susceptible to loneliness, anxiety, and depression. 

As our world gets more connected with technology like the internet, smart phones, and social media, research would show that we are at risk for minimizing the benefits of genuine connection. In addition, today’s technology enables the instant personalization of getting what we want, when we want it, and many times that fosters isolation instead of connection during our “free time” beyond school, work, and the essentials of running a home.  We don’t need a PhD in psychology to see the reality around us.  All we need to do is look around a lunchroom at work, an evening at home, or the ‘waiting period’ for a practice to end, a bus to arrive, or even a “date night” out on the town.

Social scientists would say that our technology dependent connections impact the depth of our relationships mostly because we lose empathy.  Sure, emojis help with emotional connection, but it is not optimal.  I am sure we have all seen a picture of a beautiful sandy beach and I hope most of us have felt the warm touch of beach sand between our toes.  There is a difference in the connection.

As important as feeling a sense of belonging and being connected are to our health, I would recommend that we add a few last minute gifts to our list this holiday season.  We should all add the gift of connection to those closest to us.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, an important challenge for all of us would be to not just think about the seemingly peaceful relationships in our lives, but we should act with courage and add those to the list where perhaps the stress and strain of this year has put the relationship in a difficult spot.

Here are a few thoughts to help make the gift of connection this holiday season be more meaningful and engaging:

1. Acknowledge the reality that there is pain, discomfort, and challenge in any relationship. The ups and downs in relationships are a sign of LIFE, not death.  Flat-lining by way of not caring is a sign of death in relationships.
2. Admit that “I am not perfect.” Hopefully, they will acknowledge their own imperfect reality, but don’t sweat it if they don’t.
3. Act with the desire to grow and reach the full potential of the relationship versus being anchored to past mistakes.
4. Accept them. When possible, tell them face to face that they belong to the family, the team, or the project.  Tell them that they are a needed part of the group and the group would not be the same without their contribution.

It takes an intentional effort to give the gift of connection to those around us.  Especially those where we know there is tension in the relationship.  The gift of connection will take more than the swipe of a credit card.  However, as we make the effort to build stronger connections with those closest to us, we will build and strengthen our character, and Character Creates Opportunity to contribute to the emotional health and well-bring of those we care about most.

“someday never comes” – John Fogerty, lead singer for Creedence Clearwater Revival

For many reading this blog, the rhythm from that song and the music of CCR brings back a few memories (others maybe saying, “Who in the world is John Fogerty and CCR?”).  As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, an important topic to address is the need to take action today, rather than putting things off.

Let’s face it, we all know the basics of things we should do to strengthen important relationships, improve our health, expand our thinking, or be better positioned to grow in our career.  Many times, our excuse for not doing these things is that it is just not the “right time” to take action.

“I will go back to school once the kids get a little older”

“I will forgive once the sting of the betrayal subsides a little more”

“I will reach out to that family member once I get through this busy time at work”

”I will get back to exercising in the springtime”

As we have all experienced, many times that “right time” never comes about or when it does, we have a host of other obstacles and “someday never comes.” In the worst of scenarios, that individual or opportunity is gone forever and we missed the opportunity completely.

An important aspect of building and strengthening our character is the simple act of taking action to continue moving forward in what we know in our heart is the right direction.  This message is not about dropping everything and pursuing that big bold idea that has been weighing on your soul (if that fits you, great-go for it, but that is not the intent of this message).  Today’s message is more about taking a few small steps forward on what we know is needed.

I know I should reach out to a friend who is on my mind…just start with a quick text or email.

I know I should take the first step to mend a troubled family relationship…just pick up the phone and say hello without an agenda. 

I know I should start to exercise…don’t buy expensive equipment or a new gym membership, just start walking around the block and literally take it one step at a time.

Some of our biggest opportunities to build and strengthen our character involve taking action in our relationships with others.  We all have a tendency to avoid the difficult conversations, especially in troubled relationships.  It is never easy and the emotional pain from prior struggles remains with us and makes it even harder to re-engage.  The reality is that relationships with others will always be intertwined with every endeavor of life.  Relationships are worth the effort and it is our character that will create opportunity to improve even the most troubled relationship.

For one relatively straight-forward way to reconnect with a struggling relationship, try writing a letter.  Yes, an old fashioned hand-written letter.  Nobody gets these anymore and I can almost guarantee that an individual in a very troubled relationship will still open a letter and read it in the quiet of his/her own time.  Keep it short with a focus on care and concern versus justifying or blaming.  Let the letter be a first step to softening defenses and perhaps open a door to reconnect and a path to restoration.  If nothing else, you can be at peace knowing you took some action to ensure “someday” finally came.

If we are very honest with ourselves, we could take it one step further and much closer to home.  Many times the letter does not even need a stamp as the relationship we need to restore is within our own home.

Taking action, when we know it is needed, is an important aspect of building and strengthening character and our Character Creates Opportunity to build strong relationships that can have a positive impact in our world.

Technology continues to expand our ability to get “connected.” As a result, we have more opportunities to stay connected or get reconnected with friends, family, coworkers, and the larger world beyond our neighborhoods.  Staying connected with others helps to meet a strong human need to feel we “belong” in a relationship with others.

Ironically, as today’s world gets more connected, we are also battling greater levels of isolation which runs in a vicious cycle with addiction.

If you speak with someone who leads a Twelve Step program for addicts or a counselor dealing with similar issues in people who have not yet admitted their addiction, they all will tell you about a common theme in the cycle of addiction, it starts with isolation.  When we experience a period of loneliness or we make certain choices that drive us into isolation, we often reach for a soothing remedy that, if we are not careful, breeds an addiction and the cycle continues.  Our remedy may change, but the cycle continues.

As we continue our journey to build and strengthen our character, having the strength to maintain connection and avoid isolation will be a strong defense against the risk of addiction.

We are all familiar with the addictions that grab the headlines like drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, greed etc.  There are many other addictions that don’t make great headlines, but we will save them for another writing. The process of addiction is pretty much the same; we run into some kind of struggle like a broken or troubled relationship, poor self-esteem, stress when a once sought-after dream becomes a nightmare, and we move into isolation.  With isolation comes our search for a remedy and when we find it, often it becomes an addiction to help us to avoid the root cause of the struggle.

Addictions fill the void of our need for human connection when we become isolated.  Addictions replace the healthy human bonding that results from face to face, authentic connections where tone of voice, body language, the spoken word, and touch bring warmth, caring, and concern.

Below are two points to of caution to help minimize the risk that our “connected” world can give rise to isolation and addiction:

1. Technology will not replace the human need for the healthy bonding that results from face to face connections. Technology can help bridge the gap that comes with time and distance, but it cannot replace our basic need for the touch and feel of a face to face connection.  We must not let the ease of technology enabled connections lull us into thinking that is all we need.  Ask any grandparent about SKYPE.  It is a great tool to bridge the gap, but it will never replace the hug of a grandchild.  Ask any business traveler or their family at home about FACETIME.  It is a great tool to stay connected from some dark, cold hotel room, but it will never replace the feeling of spending an evening at home.  If we go too long without a face to face connection, the health of our relationships can be at risk.
2. We need to be careful that the same technology that enables our world to be connected, does not become an enabler of “quick and easy” isolation which then opens the door to addiction. The greatest risk of technology becoming an enabler of “quick and easy” isolation is in the home. The technology and tools present in today’s homes enable isolation more than ever.  With multiple smart phones, tablets, computers, and on-demand TV programing, most family members can easily retreat to their own “corner” in the house.  Despite how busy we all seem to find ourselves, academic research and our own honest assessment of time in our homes would highlight that we still manage to spend a great deal of time with our technology of choice.  It is important to remember during those times we let technology serve our individual desires, we are most likely missing out on improving a connection with a child, a spouse, or a parent.  When times are tough in our homes and relationships are in a real tailspin, the isolation that can come with technology is an easy, comfortable addiction to avoid the hard work of repairing a struggling relationship.

In today’s vernacular, my kids would say, YOLO (You Only Live Once) in addressing the complexities of our connected world.  From some experienced Twelve Step folks, I am sure they would recommend YANA (You Are Not Alone) to help us address the complexities of our connected world.  YANA is a strong reminder to help us minimize our periods of isolation that open the door to addiction.

When we put effort into maintaining healthy and needed connections, we build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to stay connected with others and we build huge barriers to the risk of isolation and addiction.

Many of us are returning home this week.

Whether we are returning to the home where we were raised, having others come back home, or visiting the home of close family or friends, there is something special about coming home.

Home represents a permanent mark on our identity.  In addition, as we grow older and hopefully wiser, home brings about the reminder of one of our most critical responsibilities to society; to build and sustain a strong family. Success in the workplace will come and go, our “15 minutes of fame” will come and go, and for most of us, an enduring impact on the global stage of history will be unattainable, but the effort we put forth in the home will always be a part of our legacy.

Home is also the place where we live through the full spectrum of our emotional experience from our greatest highs to our greatest lows. In between those extremes, we can dwell in that most unfortunate place called apathy, where we just “check-out” as the furnace of conflict and disappointment presents an appealing choice to just quietly endure while we emotionally move on to some other source of comfort and acceptance.

Throughout our lives, there will always be moments in time when we return home in some physical or emotional sense.  As an adult, we remember our childhood experiences in the home of our upbringing. As an empty-nester parent, we remember what the home was like when it was filled with kids.  As a frazzled parent with growing children in the home, we have little time for reflection as we continue to be pounded on the anvil of schedules, to do lists, and the expectations of others. In addition, as a family struggles with the loss of a loved one, we remember the times of togetherness we shared before tragedy struck.

As we continue on our important journey to build and strengthen our character, there are moments like the holiday season where it is helpful to return home with a sense of thankfulness.

Making the choice to be thankful when we return home, physically and/or emotionally, is an important step to build and strengthen our character for a few simple reasons:

1. Thankfulness consistently returns numerous positive benefits. Volumes of research in academia and real-life experience demonstrate that people who are thankful are healthier, both physically and emotionally, have stronger relationships, and inoculate themselves from the negative effects of thinking about what we don’t have or harboring resentment or envy tied to what others possess.  Thankfulness keeps us grounded.
2. Thankfulness helps overcome the struggles of life. There is no “perfect” home.  We all have and we all will continue to experience significant family conflict in our homes.  Just like the pain and discomfort associated with a new workout routine will eventually make our bodies stronger, with a sense of thankfulness, we will build our emotional strength to overcome the inevitable next family conflict.  Thankfulness softens the heart and opens a desire to understand instead of judge during conflict in the home.
3. Thankfulness helps us reach our full potential and helps those around us reach their full potential. Do you enjoy hanging around people who gripe and complain?  Being thankful builds encouragement for ourselves and others.  Thankfulness builds the foundation for all of us to reach our full potential.  Rather than getting sucked into the dark sea of negativity and complaint, being thankful puts our footing on solid ground to build a positive legacy in our home.

We are consistently drawn to come back home not because of where it is, but because of what it represents.  As we remain thankful in our home, not just during the holidays, but throughout the year, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity to reach our full potential and have a positive impact on those around us.