Throughout history, our time and attention are drawn towards those who are out in front making the headlines, giving the speeches, and closing the big deal.  Many times, those exalted as innovators, brilliant, effective leaders, or the ones making things happen, are often seen as being larger than life compared to the rest of us.

Most of us are not in the spotlight, on the stage, being interviewed by the reporter, or standing in the ribbon cutting line.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, today’s note is about the important role most of us play, the role of assisting others to reach their full potential.

The history books may leave the “assistants” out of the biographies.  However, the reality is that the lives of those who have public impact are most often filled with others assisting them in their efforts.

We all know well the inventions and legacy of Thomas Edison.  However, we probably don’t know William Hammer who was Edison’s chief engineer responsible for most of the work at the Edison Lamp Company or Frank Sprague who was the mathematician behind critical steps in the electric lighting system.  These assistants helped Edison reach his full potential.

We can probably name the head coach of our favorite football team, but I bet we struggle to name the offensive line coach who is often responsible for building the group of linemen who clear the path for the running back to get on the cover of a sports magazine.

Behind every well performing executive or leader in business, there is always an assistant who makes sure things get done.  Behind every customer facing role in an organization, there is usually a team of assistants making sure expectations are met.  They most often do not take the stage at the million dollar round table banquet, but without them, top performance is not possible.

Truth be told, our most underappreciated examples of honorable, quiet assistants occur with those closest to us in our homes and extended family.  It is these assistants that form the backbone of health and safety in our communities and our nation.  The service of one spouse to another, of a parent to a child, siblings to each other, and the service of children reversing roles to assist elderly parents.

If it weren’t for the honorable and principled assistants, we would all be in a difficult position.  The history books may leave them out, but they are a critical element to purpose and accomplishment.

An important reality to accept, sooner rather than later, is that a passionate, purposeful life is not about personal achievement, rather it is about helping others reach their full potential.

Our efforts to faithfully play our role, which most likely will not make the headlines, will help to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to assist others in helping them reach their full potential.

We make trade-off decisions every day.  One of the more consistent and obvious trade-offs we make is the decision of quality vs quantity.  Whether it is a bottle of wine, a business suit, an evening meal, or a piece of furniture, there is a decision being made around whether we prefer quality vs quantity.

We mentally perform the Ben Franklin decision making process of seeing high quality as being more expensive, taking more time, and usually more enjoyable as compared to high quantity which usually means, lower cost, faster service, and a little less satisfying.  We weigh both sides of the ledger and then make the choice.

Our hope is that we can maximize the benefits of both quality and quantity.  Today’s free market is the most effective system to help us achieve both high quality items made at sufficient quantity to keep costs low.

One of the trade-offs we make very often today is around communication.  The technological advances over the last decade or so have made the choice for quantity almost too appealing and easy to see any other choice.

An important area on how we can continue to build and strengthen our character is in the critical choice we make around how we communicate.

Communication experts would tell us that most of what we communicate is not what we say, but the tone and body language in our delivery.  We see that truth every day in families hustling through a busy schedule, in the expression of the waitress in the coffee shop, and the greeting towards a potential customer in the marketplace.  We can all say “Hello” and “It is nice to see you,” but our tone and body language carry the weight of impact in that simple message.

When it comes to having meaningful and lasting impact on another individual, there is no substitute for face to face communication.  The outcomes that stem from a quality vs quantity choice could not be more striking than in our communications to have meaningful and lasting impact:

• Difficult conversation in the workplace are not handled well on an email or voicemail. We make enormous progress on trust and reconciliation when we have the courage to communicate face to face.
• Strained relationships within families rarely find health in a text message.  We bring healing to pain and anger within families when we demonstrate mercy and grace to gather around a table and communicate face to face.
• Frustration in our communities does not move toward a deeper understanding through a social media post.  We grow in understanding and health when we take the time to meet and communicate face to face.

Quality, face to face communications take time and a great deal of courage and effort.  They afford us the most effective opportunity to have a meaningful and lasting impact.

When it comes to individuals and causes we believe are most important, we face a critical choice around how we communicate during difficult situations.

As we take the time and effort to communicate face to face with those we care about most, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to make meaningful and lasting impact especially in our homes, our communities, and the businesses we are building.

We have all felt overwhelmed from time to time.  Feeling “flooded” is a nice, polite way psychologists will described our situation when we are feeling like we have reached a final breaking point in relationships, careers, and other endeavors.

There is no denying that our experiences in the home, school, workplace, and community continue to grow more complex and create new challenges for all of us to reach our hopes and dreams.

As our situations continue to get more challenging, the principles we rely on to keep moving forward in our journey do not change.  As we guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions based on principles such as courage, perseverance, loyalty, and faith, we will figure out the most effective choices to address the complex reality we are all facing.  Techniques may change, but principles are timeless and universal to support our cause.

Throughout the generations, as the challenges seemed to grow greater, the principle based actions of individuals most certainly rose to the occasion to continue to move forward.  I am sure we can all look back through generations of our own story to find times where we faced seemingly insurmountable challenges, but managed to overcome.

However, there has always be one clear warning sign that if not addressed, will turn a near term derailment into a permanent loss in the pursuit of our goals. This warning sign is a more formidable obstacle in achieving our goals than the actual challenge we face.  This clear warning sign is when our thoughts, decisions, and actions are guided by the phrase, “I just don’t care anymore.”

Apathy is the real enemy in the long journey to pursue our hopes and dreams.

When we come to the point of not caring about the important issues within our families, the challenges of our chosen profession, the pursuit of education throughout our lives, or service in our communities, then the battle is over.  Sun Tzu said, “Every battle is won or lost before it’s ever fought.”

We continue to build and strengthen our character when we keep caring about the things that matter most, even in the face of extreme difficulty and struggle.

Here a few thoughts to identify and address this clear warning sign:

(1)    Self-Assessment:  No one knows our inner thoughts, but us.  It is critical that we “look in the mirror” and continue to assess the genesis of our own thoughts that drive our decisions and actions.  An honest self-assessment is our best tool to identify apathy in our mindset.

(2)    Choices:  We can only effectively give our energy to a few causes.  The world is too challenging to give 50% effort and expect to make a difference.  We need the discipline to clearly choose whether to go “all in” or don’t go at all.  In today’s vernacular, my kids would say, “Go big or go home.”  We should determine what we care about most and act accordingly.

(3)    Long-term:  There is no cause worth pursuing that will have an “overnight success.” There will be a series of short term ups and downs.  It is important we don’t get too elated or too down in the short run, but focus on staying the course and caring throughout the long journey to reach our hopes and dreams.

(4)    Observation and Action:  Be on the lookout for this clear warning sign in others. Apathy can metastasize like a cancer within families, the workplace, and our communities.   We all need some courage to have the difficult conversation when we see apathy in others and share an encouraging word about the importance of addressing it and overcoming for the good of the family, the team or community.

At times, we can all struggle with making choices on what is really important.  I wanted to share a story that was recently passed on to me by a friend as a helpful guide to our choices.  A father, his three sons and two daughters stood around the hospital bed of his wife and their mother as she peacefully shared her last thoughts with them and simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.”

Especially as it concerns our home and family, we need to keep up the fight against our greatest enemy, apathy. 

As we continue to guide our thoughts, decisions, and actions by principles such as love, loyalty, commitment, and grace, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to keep apathy out of our homes and build a strong family foundation that is critical to effectively addressing the challenges we all face outside of our homes.

Today, we have more choices in basic education, on-the-job skills training, and in traditional life skills like marriage, parenting, and household finance that are taught in community centers, churches, and libraries.  In addition, via the internet, we have a global education system at our fingertips for any subject of interest.

The unlimited opportunity to gain direct access to training for any school subject, work skill, or critical life skill highlights two important realities:

(1)    From a practical standpoint, we can teach people the best techniques to be functional at coding in C++, setting a family budget, playing guitar, driving a delivery truck, cooking a good steak, and even improving communication with our spouse 🙂

(2)    The vast majority of people can learn to be really great at something, if we make the choice. When we choose to make the effort, work through the disappointments, short-term failures, and the inevitable grind in the journey, we will develop the functional skill.

Making a choice to commit is a necessary skill for any endeavor in life.

As we continue moving forward to build and strengthen our character, we need to be reminded of a necessary skill that is not routinely taught in the classroom, the workplace, and on the home front: Commitment.

Psychologists and academics would have a few fancy terms to describe the reality that most of us don’t commit to something until we have discovered that we can be good at it.  If the technique or skill being taught seems interesting and we show some initial, marginal success at doing it, then maybe we will commit.

However, for most things in life, there is always the “honeymoon” period.  Where the initial excitement of something new and different energizes us for some time and then the subject gets difficult.  We spend one too many all-nighters studying for exams and still do not pass.  We work hard and give it our best in the workplace and the promotion seems to never come our way.  In the home, the strain of bills, schedules, and bad habits marches us into that valley of loneliness even while we share the same bed with our spouse.

During the difficult times, when the energy surrounding new and different fades away, the necessary skill of commitment is exposed.  It is the skill of commitment that carries us through the journey to learn a new language, to develop a new skill at work, and to build empathy and understanding with those in our family.

We could all benefit from an honest, self-assessment every once in a while on the necessary skill of commitment. Unlike some classes in school, this assessment is not graded on a curve by comparing our commitment to that seen in others.  We stand on our own with this grade.

When we set the bar high on our own level of commitment, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to learn new skills and reach our potential in the key areas of life.

What do we achieve when we “have to” do something?

When we “have to” do something, we come to realize that we have the capacity to do more than we ever imagined.

In today’s world, we very rarely hear the phrases “I have to” or “I must do” something.  We pride ourselves on self-expression and for keeping our options open as we feel a sense of confinement with obligations and commitments.

Many times, our self-expression manifests itself in phrases like, “I just felt like doing something different” or “I just felt like it was time for a change.”  These choices often come about when the going gets tough and the outcome we desired is not so certain.

As we continue on our own personal journey to build and strengthen our character, we need to be careful that our desire for self-expression and keeping our options open does not side-step responsibility or consistently enable a way out when times get tough.

The risk to reaching our full potential is greatest when our desire to keep our options open becomes a convenient escape hatch to avoid responsibility. 

When we come to that point in life when we “have to do” something, we soon realize we have virtually unlimited potential.

Many times, the common expression shared after a significant accomplishment is, “I had to do it…I had no other option, but to continue.”

Ask any young parent, “How do you stay up night after night with a young baby with colic or just a troubled sleep pattern and still manage to function and be productive throughout the day?”  Most often you will hear, “It is just what I have to do.  There is no other option.”

Ask any immigrant family, who came to this country and overcame tremendous language and cultural barriers to survive and provide, “How did you do it?”  Most often they will respond with comments like, “We had to make it work.  Returning to our homeland was not an option.”

A detailed review of the great breakthroughs in scientific discovery would reveal a sense of “I must” or “I have to” find answers to these great questions.

Madame Curie became the first and only woman to win the Nobel Prize twice and her work to isolate uranium opened the door to so many discoveries in the field of medicine.  She spent most of her life in financial hardship, endured the tragic death of her husband early in their marriage, and conducted most of her greatest research in a leaky, rusted out shed.  Friends and associates would recall her passion to find the answers to some of science’s most complex questions. With frostbitten toes and working in that shed on an empty stomach, she saw her work as having no other option, but finding the answers.

Ask any great athlete how they can continue to push through intense training programs and overcome injuries and pain to continue to reach for their goals, we will find a sense of focus with no other option but continuing to move forward.

Ask any combat veteran how they overcame the horrors of warfare, we will hear expressions like, “You do what you have to do to survive. There is no other option.”

When we have no other option and we “have to” do something, we are often amazed at what we can accomplish.

Are there areas in our lives where we have conveniently created options to avoid the commitment of saying, “I have to”?

• Is there a troubled relationship with a family member that could be repaired with a “have to” commitment?
• Is there a child or adolescent who would benefit from seeing a parent with a “have to” attitude around the important things in life?
• Is there a struggling business that could continue with a “have to” decision to succeed?
• Is there a student struggling in the classroom that could overcome with a “have to” choice to learn and grow?

What do we “have to” do to reach our full potential?

When we do what we “have to” do, we build and strengthen our character, and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to reach our full potential.

“If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it” is a pretty common phrase in the basics of running an organization and leading a team to achieve.  Setting effective performance measures that individuals and teams can understand and clearly see how those measures align with achieving an organization’s goals is a critical element in building an organization for growth.

There are a large number of management books, consultant fees, and leadership team discussions around developing the most effective “scorecard” for organizations, teams, and individuals to ensure they are all best positioned to achieve their goals.

When organizations report on progress towards achieving goals, there is a very familiar review of the status of their performance against these important measures.

As we continue on our own personal journey to build and strengthen our character, one important question we need to ask ourselves is, “What am I measuring on the “scorecard” of my life?”

As we see ourselves in the big roles in life such as a student, parent, sibling, son or daughter, friend, helper, and coworker, a fundamental question we need to answer is how are we measuring ourselves along the journey in those important roles?

Now that we are beginning to enter into another presidential election season, someone will ask that familiar question, “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?”

As we intentionally put effort towards building and strengthening our character, we don’t need a politician to remind us every four years of the importance of assessing our progress in the big areas of our life.

Many times, the “four year” question from politicians refers to some financial measure.  Somewhere on the “scorecard” of life, money, as it is the currency for provision of food, clothing, and shelter, has its place.  However, I have never been to a funeral where someone said, “Bob was a nice guy and he died with a back pocket full of money.”

It would be beneficial for all of us if the vast majority of our scorecard showed how we brought health to important relationships and how we had a positive impact on those around us.  In the end, we would all be grateful to hear, “Bob was a nice guy and he simply took care of people.”

One fact is clear, when a politician asks that familiar question, the cold, hard truth is that we now have four years less on the journey to deliver on the life we are trying to achieve.

As we become more intentional on delivering top performance on the “scorecard” of our lives, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to have a meaningful impact on those around us.

The concept of having a “sunset moment” every so often to pick our heads up and reconnect with the long term view of the life we are trying to build seemed to resonate with many based on the feedback and comments received from last week’s topic.

As a reminder from last week, there is a fairly sizeable body of evidence in both academic circles and practical experience to indicate that we build strength to persevere towards our goals when we can see clearly what we are trying to achieve.

As we continue on our own personal journey to build and strengthen our character, there is a common near term adversary that we all face in trying to reach our goals and make meaningful progress toward that “sunset moment.”

The common, near term adversary that comes against each one of us at various points in our journey has numerous descriptions, but it can be summarized as fear, anxiety, and worry.   This near term adversary has the potential to drain that precious energy we need to keep moving forward towards our goals and many times, this adversary can be forceful enough to get us off track and switch our long term view entirely.

 

We all have various coping mechanisms to deal with fear, anxiety, and worry.  Some of us are nail-bitters, some toss and turn through a sleepless night, some repeat simple, routine tasks, some take pills, some overeat, some don’t eat, and some drink alcohol a little more often during the rough times in the journey.  Regardless of our coping mechanism, the reality is that we still have that near term adversary attempting to sabotage our efforts to reach our goals.

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, below are a few ideas to deal effectively with our common, near term adversary:

(1)    Acknowledge the Reality.  We all face fear, anxiety, and worry.  We should possess the courage to call them out directly and not deny their existence.  No matter what phase of life we are in and no matter what level of worldly accomplishment or “validation” event we have passed through, we will still face fear, anxiety, and worry as we transition into the next turn in life.

(2)    Take Action.  The best known antidote to fear, anxiety, and worry is action.  When we take action toward goals, the adversary loses its grip.  Just like the ‘butterflies’ before a big game, after the first play, they are gone and we are focused on the task at hand.  The biggest risk we face in dealing with fear, anxiety, and worry is that we don’t get out of bed and get in the game.

(3)    Keep the Faith.  The very fact that we are still standing is testament to the fact that we have already passed through some difficult challenges in the past.  Whether they were in school, in the home, in the workplace or in some other endeavor, we faced this adversary before and we overcame.  Whether we describe our faith in terms of a relationship with God who knows the whole story or we have faith in the truth found in principles like perseverance and courage, we should rally our faith to keep moving forward against the near term adversary.

We will continue to face struggles as we journey towards achieving our goals.  When we possess the courage to stand up and face the near term adversary of fear, worry, and anxiety, we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to make meaningful progress towards achieving our goals and motivating those around us to overcome their own challenges.

As we approach spring each year so much of our nation emerges from a long, cold winter.  With the time change that accompanies the move into spring, the longer evenings afford all of us the opportunity to observe a later sunset and quietly reflect on the challenges of the day.

In the busyness of life, we often fail to take a moment to reflect on where we have been and briefly remind ourselves on where we desire to go in order to build our energy to continue the journey. The longer evenings brought on at this time of year support the chance for some meaningful reflection during those sunset moments.

As we continue on our personal journey to build and strengthen our character, there is an opportunity with longer evenings and those upcoming sunset moments to reflect on day to day happenings and also on the big questions about what we desire to see in the years to come.

The Book of Proverbs says, “Where there is no vision, the people will perish.”

Real world experience and academic research would reinforce the importance of determining clear goals and specific plans to achieve those goals in order to make meaningful progress on any endeavor.  In addition, psychologists would describe something called “purposeful imagination.” Basically, if we can clearly see ourselves achieving those goals, emotionally feel what we would feel like in achieving those goals, we build strength to endure the inevitable challenges we will face in achieving our goals.

We hear a great deal about “vision” and “purpose” statements for individuals, families, and organizations.  These are very powerful tools to focus effort and rally a group to a cause.  Many times, with the effort to hang a vision statement on a wall, we fail to reconnect consistently to that statement and over time, our direction drifts off course.

There is a significant opportunity to use the long, slow quiet of a sunset to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, both tomorrow, and in the long journey of life.

When we take the time to look forward 5, 10, or 20 years, what do we see?

What is the state of our closest relationships?  Do we see relationships that have endured the inevitable ups and downs and continue to strengthen a mutual commitment to each other?  Do we see children that are productive members of the family, the community, and the workforce?  What is the legacy we leave behind to those that matter most?

What is the impact we are having over the years?

We all should work to develop the habit of making time in the quite of a sunset moment to reflect on the big questions.  Take a walk in the park, sit outside, or just briefly look off in the distance during a slow period of a child’s practice to see what we truly desire to see in the years to come.

As we take the time to reflect on where we have been and where we desire to go, we will build energy to persevere on our journey and we will continue to build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to not only see the future we desire, but make meaningful progress towards achieving it.

There has been a steady amount of academic support, business experience, and personal testimony to the concept that when we view our role as serving others, we form a strong foundation to create value.  Whether we are serving our customers, the teams we work on, members of our family, or people in our community, the idea of serving others helps solidify our efforts to accomplish great things.

After the basics of survival are met, psychologists would tell us that our next greatest need is to know we matter to someone or some cause greater than our own.  The two primary ways we find opportunity in meeting this critical need is in our personal relationships and through our chosen career.

As we continue to build and strengthen our character, there is an important paradox in the role of serving others that we need to understand as we genuinely work to meeting this important personal need of knowing that we matter.

Long-term, personal relationships:

We have all heard the saying, “opposites attract.”  It is definitely true in the scientific world and it also seems very common in the human condition with finding a mate.

We see the real-life examples of this all around us when we see the “organizer” who is paired with the bumbling slob.  The “stable and secure” with the chaotic and risky.  The “provider” being able to help the one in need.  The “afflicted and struggling” being supported and encouraged to change by the martyr.

We all bring certain strengths to a relationship and we use those strengths in an honest, genuine attempt to serve and help our mate.  Most healthy relationships are grounded in serving one another.  This heart-felt commitment to serve and support our mate provides the foundation for meeting this need to know we matter to someone.

We feel secure in using our strengths to fill the gaps of our mate because it is a known skill for us and we are confident in our ability to deliver the service and meet the need.

We genuinely feel that by serving our mate in meeting these needs, we will satisfy our own need of being wanted, needed, and appreciated.  Our mate will recognize our service and respond with acknowledgement that will confirm we matter.

Because of differences in how we show love and appreciation and in our personalities and communication styles, the paradox comes into play in two ways:  Many times our mate will (1) Not “see” our intent to serve and will view our efforts as belittling or demeaning and (2) If they do “see” our intent to serve, they will respond in a manner that does not resonate positively with us.  The eventual outcome is that we don’t feel appreciated and we fall short of meeting the need to know we mattered to someone else despite all of our genuine efforts to serve.

Overtime, with this disconnect, frustration sets in.  We start to resent those qualities in our mate that we originally intended to use our strengths to serve and help.  We quit serving, contempt sets in soon after, and we start talking about “irreconcilable differences” as grounds for a break-up.

The cycle continues as we find another mate with the same gaps as our first and we faithful try again to serve and lovingly fill those gaps with a known strength of our own.

Roles in the workplace:

We can find ample opportunity to meet the need to know we matter to a cause above ourselves in our chosen career field.  The relatively consistent feedback loop of setting goals, measuring goals, and receiving recognition for achieving those goals seems to be a well-proven process of finding a place to serve and be recognized and appreciated for that service.  In terms of meeting that strong emotional need to matter, we seem to find a good fit in our chosen career.

The challenge for leaders with a workforce and a marketplace that continues to grow more complex, the desired needs of people in our organizations vary a great deal and the traditional means of simple financial tools to recognize great effort seem to be losing their effectiveness.  With a growing workforce that is being accustomed to “point and click” to get exactly what they want, when they want it, leaders have to be prepared to respond to these trends.

Despite the changes in workforce demographics, employees still possess a strong need to know they are making an impact and they matter to a cause bigger than themselves.   When leaders fail to recognize the efforts of employees in a manner that resonates with them, their engagement weakens and high rates of turnover soon follow.  Leaders have an increasingly important role to develop feedback mechanisms and reward systems that are flexible and dynamic to meet the needs of today’s diverse workforce.

The Balance:

As we all try to balance the effort between work and family, the Servant’s Paradox™ has a tendency to shift the balance over to work instead of relationships in the home when the need to know we matter is felt greater in the workplace than on the home front.

Ideas to Keep Us Moving Forward:

As we continue on our journey to build and strengthen our character, below are a few action steps to take as we face the reality of the Servant’s Paradox™:

(1)   Recognize the truth that we all have a need to know we matter to someone or a cause bigger than ourselves.

(2)   Acknowledge that the vast majority of us genuinely focus on serving with our strengths to meet the needs of others in relationships and in organizations.

(3)   Work to understand the different ways we feel appreciated in the home front and in the workplace.  From the standpoint of a mate, understand the manner in which our mate feels loved and how they see that love communicated.  From a leader-employee relationship, understand the most desired method of recognizing effort and accomplishment.

(4)   Leverage the understanding of these differences and act on that knowledge to deliver in a manner that resonates in our personal relationships and in our roles in the workplace.

(5)   Keep serving.  It is the timeless, universal principle that will not disappoint in the long run.  The long run is all that matters.

As we put effort into understanding differences and acting on that knowledge, we will build and strengthen our character and Character Creates Opportunity® for us to sustain our efforts to serve others, for us to meet an important need to know we matter, and we will take a healthy step towards addressing the balance of needs being met in the workplace and on the home front.